how do i become normal?

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Larry

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how do i become normal?
« on: September 16, 2021, 02:21:49 AM »
I have been struggling since age 6,  things were bad until 18,  i really thought i would grow out of this,  my fatether,  : abuser" might be dead.  i really wanted to confront him,  but have not seen him since i was 7.  i really wanted to get some closure, maybe talk to him,  let him know how bad things have been.  he remarried and had 2 more kids,  I have never net the kids or new wife,   now i hear he might have died,  how do i get closure ?  how do i deal with this?  he abandoned me and had a new fanily.  deprived me of so many things.  i do not think i will ever heal
« Last Edit: September 16, 2021, 02:23:01 PM by Kizzie »

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Armee

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Re: how do i become normal?
« Reply #1 on: September 16, 2021, 05:18:03 AM »
It's hard when there is no closure.

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote here. I don't normally write things out because my brain gets too confused but when I found out a particularly painful detail about 6 months ago...one that had the potential to affect my current life and my kids,  I ended up writing my dead father a letter. And then I locked myself in the car and recorded myself reading it outloud. Then I listened to it a few times. I heard where my voice broke in anger. I heard it like I was listening to what happened to someone else.

You're not going to get closure. You have to take it for yourself. You'll heal. You can.

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Dante

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Re: how do i become normal?
« Reply #2 on: September 16, 2021, 05:24:12 AM »
Even for some of us where those that hurt us are still alive but there is no chance of confrontation or reconciliation, there can be no closure except what we take for ourselves.  You have a right to do whatever you need to (so long as it doesnít harm yourself or others) to gain that closure, but you deserve it.  Itís the only way to heal.

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Larry

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Re: how do i become normal?
« Reply #3 on: September 16, 2021, 12:21:37 PM »
thank you Dante

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Blueberry

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Re: how do i become normal?
« Reply #4 on: September 16, 2021, 04:04:21 PM »
Larry, I have confronted FOO members before and it was not especially helpful. I ended up retraumatised because needless to say there are very very few abusers/long-term neglecters who want to know what they had a hand in or what they did solely. Otherwise they would have stopped doing it years ago. Mine went into absolute denial.

We have a Recovery Letter forum here https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=43.0 where you can write a letter you will never send. You will be seen here by us though. Truly, for some of us this forum has been a life-saver where we are heard and understood.

You are not alone.  :grouphug:

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Blueberry

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Re: how do i become normal?
« Reply #5 on: September 16, 2021, 04:13:51 PM »
I would also say a certain amount of closure comes with recovery, for me in therapy. I won't pretend it hasn't been rather a long and painful journey. Though for those people starting their journey now it might be somewhat easier because more is known about cptsd.

You have either started or continued your recovery by reaching out on here! :cheer:

I don't know who coined this originally but our reactions to what was done to us are normal reactions to an abnormal situation. Those normal reactions become problematic eventually, but it doesn't mean that you're not normal. Also cptsd is not a mental illness, it is an injury.

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Larry

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Re: how do i become normal?
« Reply #6 on: September 17, 2021, 01:14:13 AM »
you guys and everyone on this forum have been extremly helpful,  thank you,  i know i am not the only person with issues,  and sometimes i feel guilty focusing on myself,  i try to respond to other posts , it feels good to get so much feedback from others,  i would like to help someone else feel that. 

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Dante

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Re: how do i become normal?
« Reply #7 on: September 17, 2021, 03:05:42 PM »
TW for the analogy below, hopefully not, but just in case.

I often feel the same way.  I want to help and respond to everyone partly because I do care and partly because I know that it's a way to self abandon (if I'm honest).  But I also know I have limited time, and so I have to accept that I contribute where I can and appreciate those that contribute back to me.

Yesterday I was thinking exactly about this, and I think it's like the instructions on the airplane - make sure your own mask is on before helping others.  That's not selfish, that's smart - you can't help someone if you're sucking wind.  I know I feel like I'm being narcissist if I'm doing anything for myself at all, but the narcissist wouldn't help someone else put their mask on.  They'd just gaslight and tell you that you didn't need a mask, then laugh at you while you asphyxiated.

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Larry

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Re: how do i become normal?
« Reply #8 on: September 19, 2021, 12:29:16 AM »
you are an amazing person Dante,  i really like you perspective on things. 

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Dante

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Re: how do i become normal?
« Reply #9 on: September 19, 2021, 11:47:15 AM »
Aw shucks, thank you Larry.  I donít take compliments well, but Iíll try to accept yours.  :)

Everyone on here, Iíve found, is amazing.  And that includes you too. 

Iíve realized one thing over the years, and thatís that Iím actually lucky.  There are so many walking wounded people, but at least I know whatís wrong with me.  Or Iím learning.  And youíre motivated enough to learn too - and thatís what makes you amazing!   :)

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Kizzie

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Re: how do i become normal?
« Reply #10 on: September 19, 2021, 03:53:09 PM »
Quote
Yesterday I was thinking exactly about this, and I think it's like the instructions on the airplane - make sure your own mask is on before helping others.  That's not selfish, that's smart - you can't help someone if you're sucking wind.  I know I feel like I'm being narcissist if I'm doing anything for myself at all, but the narcissist wouldn't help someone else put their mask on.  They'd just gaslight and tell you that you didn't need a mask, then laugh at you while you asphyxiated.

Well said Dante  :applause:

Larry, most of us who have been here a while understand that new members need to focus on getting that mask on at first so no worries. As time goes by you will likely find yourself reaching out to help others more, not out of obligation but because you understand what it feels like to grapple with CPTSD and may have a suggestion, encouragement or comfort to offer.

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Larry

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Re: how do i become normal?
« Reply #11 on: September 20, 2021, 02:57:08 AM »
than you kizzie,  i am having such a hard time,  i thought i was doing so good,   i thought i had an EF 3 or 4 weeks ago,  maybe i am mislabeling it,  it really messed me up.  I have been really having a hard time,  i have been struggling with alcohol,  i don't feel like i am addicted,  but i really need it to cope with things.   I really appreciate all of you.  I am so lost right now.

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Armee

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Re: how do i become normal?
« Reply #12 on: September 20, 2021, 03:25:37 AM »
It's ok.  We all fall in and out of feeling lost. Just keep being as kind to yourself and as accepting of what is happening as is possible. You're going to get through this flashback or triggering or whatever it is. This happens to all of us and knocks us on our butts and all feels dark and hopeless. And then...slowly or quickly it lifts and passes.

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Larry

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Re: how do i become normal?
« Reply #13 on: September 20, 2021, 02:51:28 PM »
Thank you Armee,  every morning i try to tell myself it is a new day.  hoping for the best.

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Papa Coco

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Re: how do i become normal?
« Reply #14 on: September 20, 2021, 08:44:13 PM »
Hey Larry,

I wish I could track my path of healing from one day to the next, but I can't. I can, however, track it from one year to the next. As I continue to pursue healing wherever I can find it, in books, blogs, forums, and therapy, I can easily see that I'm a little farther along today than I was a year ago.

Everyone hates to hear "Time will help" but it's true, as long as we use that time to continue pursuing help, as you are doing. You are on the right path, my friend, and as you stay on this path, and keep connecting with these awesome people on this forum, your life really will improve slowly but surely.

Remember, I quit drinking becuase I never quit quitting. Also, there came a day when I had to stop saying I didn't consider myself to be an alcoholic. I finally just accepted that anyone who can't quit drinking is addicted. The word for someone who couldn't stop drinking was "alcoholic."  As soon as I fully accepted I was one, I was able to accept the tools that were available to me to get help. I quit drinking because I accepted the tools. I went into rehab. I joined AA. I started admitting to my friends and coworkers that I'm a recovering alcoholic. And I haven't had a drink now in 7 years.

But each time I quit, I learned a little bit more for the next time. One day I just finally got past that finish line and realized I was going to make it stick because I could finally feel the benefits of not drinking finally outweighed the desire to keep drinking.

I'm still pulling for you!!!!!