how do i become normal?

[bluepalm]

Larry i am sitting here anguishing with you when you say "I am so lost right now".

I've had so many moments of feeling exactly that, and sometimes I've felt it was as a reaction to days of feeling I was getting somewhere.

The image that has just come to me is that of my struggle to literally float in the water. I was unable to float in the water until I was in my mid thirties. I did not trust the water to hold me and I'd thrash around and inevitably sink.

My wish for you, and an insight for me right now , is that you are able to somehow cease the thrashing around long enough to 'float' through this feeling of being lost.

I've also experienced what others describe here - feeling lost and then recovering, then falling again and then recovering. And the need to accept that, in time, my perspective will change, hopefully for the better. But I still do struggle to accept what I've learnt when I'm in the midst of turmoil and feeling lost.

The insight your words have given me is that my current turbulence this morning, my wish to shut my front door and never let another human being enter my home, will pass and I need to somehow trust this and 'float' through this morning's distress. 

We on this forum have been injured by other humans and we're left trying to manage the effects of the injuries through whatever means we can. It is such an injustice that has been done to us. I am grateful for this community, where those confronting this injustice and its consequences can support each other.

I hope my words are helpful. And thank you Larry, for helping me, by being here and giving voice to your struggles.

[Larry]

i really appreciate all of you.  i'm not sure what i need to do to feel ok,  but i am taking it one day at a time,   I had 1 drink today,  really, just 1.  Had a good day at work,  hoping tomorrow will be good to me. 

[Armee]

  just one is amazing! Good job!

[Larry]

Thank you Armee !

[Kizzie]

  and   

[Dante]

Hooray and congrats!!!

[Larry]

I am off work today and it worries me,  i don't like having so much free time to think about things.  I really wanted to try to do something fun today,  it is already 2 pm,  and i haven't left the house.  it is 86 degrees and sunny,  why am in inside all day ? 

[Dante]

Quiet time is my worst time.  If you haven't read Pete Walker's book, I highly recommend it (Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving".  He describes the 4F types; when my brain is idle, it flees into obsessive thinking.  Sounds like that might be where you are at.

It also sounds like you need some down time, so maybe try to do something for yourself.  Watch a movie you've been wanting to see, or read a book.  Or find a coloring book (crayons are still awesome).  You don't have to leave the house if you're off of work, but you won't enjoy not leaving the house if you get stuck obsessing about leaving the house.

[Larry]

I need to get that book,  i made myself take one of my dogs to the beach today,  it was nice to get some sun and go for a walk.  i didn't really do it for me,  but i really enjoyed it. 

[Kizzie]

    

[Papa Coco]

Larry,

You got me to thinking: I haven't left the house in weeks except to run errands. If I can't do anything nice for myself, then maybe I need to find someone to do something nice for. Something that also pleases me too. You took your dog to the beach for your dog--but it got you out on the beach! I don't have a dog, but maybe I can find someone who needs my help with something...maybe then I'll go to the beach for them, if not for myself.

I'm on a mission: Rather than calling my Fawn-type personality "a problem", I need to just look at it as: Well...this is what I have to work with. I have a me-shaped hole in my chest because I was raised to disrespect (hate) myself as much as my family did. Okay. So it is what it is. What am I going to do with that? I haven't found a way to erase the past, so I need to take what I'm given and work with it. Your comment, that you didn't do it for yourself, but at least you did it, makes me think I should maybe find someone who needs what I need and do it for / with them.

I'm no closer to knowing what that is yet, or who needs it, but I'm going to call this new idea a seed that I'll think on, and post on, for a few days until something starts to come to mind.

It's like when my boys were young. They started getting bullied at middleschool, so I enrolled them into Tai Kwon Do classes, and to support them I enrolled myself also. I ended up learning a little TKD because I was fawning over my boys. But guess what! I learned it! I would have never taken those classes if I hadn't done it for someone else.

There might be a strategy here. If not for me, then for someone else...and I'll tag along for the ride.

[Larry]

seems so hard to do something for ourselves.   my dogs have been a life savor.  they love me without judging,  even if i'm drunk. sad, depressed.  doesn;t matter.  I want to do things for myself.  but it makes me feel guilty and selfish.  i hope you can find something to get you out of the house.  even if it is for someone other than yourself. 

[Papa Coco]

It's good that you have your dogs.

I saw a documentary on a dog that they can prove knows a thousand words. They make a HUGE pile of toys in the room and they tell the dog to get "the pink bunny." The dog digs around until it comes back with the pink bunny. They do it again and again with all different toys and the dog always retrieves the exact toy they told it to. They also found that this little stinker was willing to sit perfectly still in an MRI machine. or a PET scan, or one of those big brain watching machines (I forget which one). What made that experiment so heartwarming was that they noticed the dog got excited every time someone came into the room but got extra excited when his master came in. Then they noticed that when the dog was looking directly into the eyes of his master, the part of the brain that is associated with "hugging" in us, lit up bright red. They finished the documentary with "So when your dog is staring at you, he's litterally hugging you with his eyes."

I LOVE dogs.  I'm glad you have some there for you right now.

[Larry]

1 of my dogs,  a cocker spaniel,  knows at least 20 toys.  everytime he gets a new toy,  it gets a name.  you can ask him to find a toy by name,  even  if it is an old toy,  he will find it.  they truly are amazing animals,   and there love is non judgemental. we need more dogs and less people !

[BeeKeeper]

When you do something for your pets, indirectly, you do something for you. Congrats on just that one drink, not more.

I like the thought of the "eye hug"

"So when your dog is staring at you, he's litterally hugging you with his eyes."

Your spaniel knows the score. What breed is your other dog?