how do i become normal?

[Dante]

Larry, be gentle with yourself.  You've been suffering alone and in silence for a long time.  The root cause that's making you drink is something you've not even started to address - but you will soon with therapy.  In my experience, when you're hurting at your core, trying to abstain from your drug of choice (alcohol, food, actual drugs whatever) is like holding your breath.  You can only hold it so long before you have to breathe.

I'm not saying go out and go get drunk.  I'm saying give yourself the same love that you'd give a hurt and scared child.  Because it's your hurt and scared inner child that needs love.  Just a little more to go and the best thing about 12 steps I learned is "one day at a time".

Maybe try to find some things to do - back to the beach, play with your dog, drink some coffee while the sun rises (or sets).  Hang in there, you'll get there.  I know you will, because I see the same desire and urgent need to heal and heal from your addiction that I've felt for decades.  You haven't given up yet, and that's all that matters.

[Larry]

thank you dante !  not sure where i would be without the help from everyone here.  i have been reading and trying to learn as much as i can to help myself.  i am tired of being alone in the dark.  6 days until i start therapy.  the T is trained in EMDR ,  not sure if that is what i need, 

[Larry]

my local pub aceepted me back,  i wanteed to be goood,    not sure how i got home,  i an=m reaally trying to be good,  be normal,  why is it sio hard !!!   i have a therapy session this friday,     my first session, i really hope i can do it,  i am scared,  so much anxiety 

[Dante]

Hi Larry, one more day.  Hang in there.  You can do it!

[Larry]

thank you dante !  i want to find a way to reduce anxiety without drining,  i don't want to drink before my session. i want to be sober for that.   i know my anxiety will be out of control. 

[Armee]

Hey Larry. If you can, just embrace the anxiety. Go in a shaking ball of terrified nerves. If you can't say anything at all, that's ok. Just let the therapist see the real you. I hid the real me from mine for 2 years. That didn't help me get better fast. 🙂

[Larry]

i will try ,  i feel like i need this.  i don't want to blow it.   i know after the session i will probably feel so relieved.  i just have to make myself do it.

[Larry]

anyone around?  i need a friend right now

[Larry]

anyone here tonight?

[Larry]

i am trying not to drink anymore tonight,  but i don't know what else to do

[Armee]

I'm sorry you are struggling tonight. You have been working really hard and staying more sober than usual. No matter what happens tonight with drinking please be proud of yourself for all the hard work you've been putting in to get better.

Instead of drinking, my unwanted coping includes dissociation. Problem is, when I am triggered into dissociating, I can't remember any of the tools for getting out. I'm just sunk into it, and my brain is disconnected and not functioning. That means that when I most need to know what exactly to do to get back from or to keep from dissociation...I literally cannot figure it out on my own because my brain has turned off key critical thinking faculties. I bet something similar happens when you are feeling like you need to drink, and don't want to, but don't know what else to do.

I needed help in those moments knowing what to do. What I ended up having to do, knowing my brain wouldn't function during an episode, was to write it down before hand and keep it on my phone. It was like this:

YOU HAVE TO FIGHT TO STAY PRESENT

- pet the dog
- throw a ball
- laugh
- jump
- go fo a walk or run
- tell [spouse] you are dissociating
- slam a rock or make another loud noise
- say something anything just form some words outloud.

I wonder if making a list here of what you can do when you feel like drinking but don't want to might help if you can come back and find it again, add to it, and make note of what works and doesn't work?

[Larry]

thank you so much armee,  i need all the coping tools i can get right now.   i did have more drinks,  i didn't know what else to do.  i reallly want to get better.  my T is off this week.  i really need to get some help right now.  i don't want to drink,  but it is the only thing that works

[Armee]

Aw Larry my heart is breaking for you. There are other things that work but they aren't quick and easy. But on the other side of working through the feelings instead of drowning them out is relief finally. Long lasting relief. The holidays are hard and therapists are taking time off. Hang on. We're rooting for you.

[Larry]

i feel pretty good today,  trying not to beat myself up,  i didn't get too drunk,  i feel ok with how my drinking has been going.  i wish i could make myself dissociate,  it happens only when it wants to, 
i really appreciat you armee,   i am going to try to find a replacement.  i like the idea of having a list of things to try.