New here!

[Laura666]

I am aware that diagnosis is a no-no here. But I have been talking to my therapist about the way my mother's verifiable mental illness has affected me and my siblings and I feel that I have the symptoms of CPSTD and am uncertain about whether any of my experience could at least parallel the symptoms or if I'm just being hyperbolic. I'll try to keep the story short.

Growing up my mothers most pronounced disorder was hoarding. It's increased exponentially over my lifetime but started when I was around eight. (It coincided with her miscarriage and postpartum depression, as well as the diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia of one of my brothers and my own diagnosis of type 1 diabetes. Her lack of support at that time was fully muted by her belief that these "tragedies" only affected her.

It was impossible to be comfortable in my own home and by the time I was in college it had reached third-world squalor. At this point my much younger siblings were my main concern. They mostly stayed with me and my older siblings. My dad became terminally ill when my youngest sister was only five. He was in hospice in the squalor until he died.

She spent the next year bedridden with grief and and often manufactured illness, offering absolutely no support for her children who had just lost their father.

My sister who was a teenager at the time endured an ongoing physical and sexual assault, was devastated and authorities were involved. I called her with concern that if she didn't let me clean her house CPS would take my siblings and I would never see them again. I was absolutely panicking and her response was that it was inappropriate for me to call her at night when her boyfriend would overhear.

Working 80 hours a week, I spend the hours usually observed for sleeping desperately trying to throw the floor to ceiling trash away, scrub away various molds on the kitchen, remove the offensive odors, etc. I remember cutting my leg with a broken piece of glass at the bottom of a trash pile, having to sop up the blood  with a dirty towel, all of the trash closed on on me and and fwas eeling absolutely helpless thinking at any moment my family would be completely removed from my life. Btw, she had flown to Spain for a vacation that week.

I think about that feeling of having no control over anything, a crisis created by someone I love who was showing zero insight into the gravity of the situation, or remorse.

I bring it up because my boyfriend has undeniably subjected me to prolonged cruel, and seemingly unnecessary pain. I have nightmares intrusive thoughts and panic attacks about his past descrepencies. I worry that this is actually a trauma response that I unfairly connect to the helplessness and panic about losing my family, because those parallels exist. Again, not looking for a diagnosis but I'm curious about if anyone can relate to this sort of relationship dynamic as an adult? 

[Larry]

Hi Laura, welcome to the forum,  i am so sorry you have had to deal with so many things,  maybe this forum wil help you as much as it has helped me.   

[Papa Coco]

Hi Laura666,

Welcome to the forum. I've only been a member here for about a month and I've found this to be a group of very intelligent, caring people who empathize with one another, and often even share great information. It has given me the camaraderie that I was looking for. It gives us all a chance to talk about our experiences of traumas, triggers and reactions with others who don't need to have the struggle explained to them. Too much of our personal struggles are made worse by the feeling that we're alone, unheard, and invalidated. But here, we've pretty much all walked our miles in each other's shoes. We're all valid. We understand each other. So refreshing.

Naturally no one here can diagnose because we're a collection of survivors, not therapists, but to me, it sure sounds like Complex-PTSD is a strong possibility. The stories you've told about your family, the hoarding, the abusive relationships, are exactly the types of traumas that drive Complex-PTSD in many people. 

If you haven't read it yet, I think every person in the world should read the book Complex-PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. If you don't yet have a therapist who knows how to help with Complex-PTSD, at least take a look at this book. My copy is almost half in yellow because I highlighted every ah-ha moment I had while reading. LOL. The first half of it explains how we became traumatized and how it has affected us. It's eye-opening. I predict you'll find yourself in one of his scenarios, and you'll see that qualified help is available in many forms. Once you've read this book (If you haven't already), you will most likely have a sense as to where you want to go with your own healing plan from there.

[Laura666]

Hi Laura, welcome to the forum,  i am so sorry you have had to deal with so many things,  maybe this forum wil help you as much as it has helped me.

Thank you so much for the welcome, your endorsement is making me feel very hopeful.

[Laura666]

Hi Laura666,

Welcome to the forum. I've only been a member here for about a month and I've found this to be a group of very intelligent, caring people who empathize with one another, and often even share great information. It has given me the camaraderie that I was looking for. It gives us all a chance to talk about our experiences of traumas, triggers and reactions with others who don't need to have the struggle explained to them. Too much of our personal struggles are made worse by the feeling that we're alone, unheard, and invalidated. But here, we've pretty much all walked our miles in each other's shoes. We're all valid. We understand each other. So refreshing.

Naturally no one here can diagnose because we're a collection of survivors, not therapists, but to me, it sure sounds like Complex-PTSD is a strong possibility. The stories you've told about your family, the hoarding, the abusive relationships, are exactly the types of traumas that drive Complex-PTSD in many people. 

If you haven't read it yet, I think every person in the world should read the book Complex-PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. If you don't yet have a therapist who knows how to help with Complex-PTSD, at least take a look at this book. My copy is almost half in yellow because I highlighted every ah-ha moment I had while reading. LOL. The first half of it explains how we became traumatized and how it has affected us. It's eye-opening. I predict you'll find yourself in one of his scenarios, and you'll see that qualified help is available in many forms. Once you've read this book (If you haven't already), you will most likely have a sense as to where you want to go with your own healing plan from there.

Thank you for the recommendation, I will definitely order that!

[Armee]

 

That's a lot and those conditions could certainly be fertile ground for developing cPTSD. I felt panicky and claustrophobic and worried just reading your description of what you and your siblings have endured.

Welcome to the forum here. It's a great place.

[bluepalm]

A warm welcome to you Laura666. What you describe sounds like relentless trauma over a long period to me, and my heart goes out to you. I hope you find the kindred souls and comfort that I have found in this caring community.

[BeeKeeper]

Laura666,

Welcome to the forum, we definitely talk about and explore diagnoses, not sure how you got the idea that it's a no-no, but to me, it's a yes-yes.

Thank you for writing your post. I understand the hoarding part, which is horrific in itself, because I've attempted to intervene, just as you have. It wears you down.

I'm really sorry to read you don't have a safe place and that your boyfriend is cruel. It's really important to find a way to protect yourself, wherever and however you can. Being in therapy and discussing your lack of support as well as your role as care-giver to your siblings is empowering. Hopefully, you can find ways to find more peace, this is a good place to do it.