really struggling to understand why

[Larry]

why did my dad abuse me,  why did he abandon me.  he remarried,  had 2 more kids,  i haven't seen him since i was 7.  why did he forget about me?  i am sure he was a good dad to his new kids,  why not me?  what did i do?  how do i get beyond this?  i really wanted to talk to him recently,  i found out he night have died,  how do i get closure?  i don't want an appology.  just want to know why ?   why did he not love me?  what did i do wrong ?

[Blueberry]

Larry it isn't and it wasn't on you. 

[Dante]

I understand where you are at.   The search for why has driven me my entire adult life.  Why did what happen happen to me?  Why did I turn out like I did?  Through a great deal of work, I've reached a place where I have answers I can live with.  But it didn't solve the problem the way I thought it would.  I thought it would magically fix my self-destructive methods for self-soothing, and for a few days it did.  But those behaviors have a life of their own, even if I never managed to have a life of my own outwardly.  It's going to take more hard and painful work to tackle those.

You didn't do anything wrong to be treated the way you are.  NO 6 or 7 year old could do something so heinous as to deserve what happened to you.   That's on the people who did it to you.  You're not going to find an answer why they did it to you (I didn't either - I just managed to finally figure out why what was done to me made me turn out the way I did).  Your responses - even your drinking - were NORMAL reactions to an abnormal situation.  So it's not your fault you have a drinking problem. 

But it is your responsibility to recognize it's a problem and fix it.  Same as me.  It's a raw deal, I know.  But it's what we've got.   

[Larry]

thak you both,  i know i will never know why.  i know deep down i didn't do anything wrong.  i just have a hard time accepting it i guess.  I need to find a way to cope with things.  i really need to get passed this and try to move on.  i am really tired ,  it is exhausting. 

[Dante]

Hi Larry, if I implied you should "just get past it", I apologize.  In no way is that what I was trying to say.  As survivors, we feel a lot of pressure from our families, from others, from our society, to just get past it.  "So your mommy and daddy were mean to you, get over it."  It's so denigrating to the experiences we had, as if it's all in our head.  It's NOT.  It's everywhere in our bodies.  The body keeps score, as they say.  So - I'm not saying just get past it.  I am saying - as much for me as for you - that we have to learn to accept it, integrate and live with it, because we can't change the past.  But that doesn't mean "just get past it" in a way that doesn't respect your experiences or mine.

Pete Walker has a chapter on not forgiving prematurely.  When I first saw the chapter title, I thought it was on forgiving yourself (I have a lot to do).  But it wasn't, it was about not feeling pressure to forgive your abusers without taking your absolute right to grieve those abuses.

[Larry]

thank you dante,  i know i need to accept what happened,  i just have not been able too.  it really makes me angry and confused, 

[Dante]

It's really hard figuring out where to start, I know.  I really recommend you get a copy of Pete Walker's book and just start looking at it.  One of the things I really like about the book is it's not proscriptive.  It's organized into chapters, but he tells you right up front to tackle them in an order that makes sense for you.  There are portions of the book I still haven't read, but just working out the order that I was going to tackle those chapters helped me to figure out my priority in terms of my healing.  CPTSD is too big and too consuming to do all at once, so just your visceral reaction to which chapters you want to read first and which ones you aren't ready for yet will help you get started.

[Larry]

going to get that book ,  thank you for your advice,  i hope you had a great day !