Intro

[Marigold]

Hi everyone. I have written and deleted a few intros before posting. This is more difficult than I thought it would be.

I found this site trying to find help for my kids. I thought they were showing signs of autism, but now I'm not sure. I think my husband is a bully. He is old school with discipline, and believes that we should all abide by his wishes, no questions. He blames me for the problems the kids are having because I am too permissive and has accused me of manufacturing the problems. I have told him that I will contact my doctor and get help in that case, but he prevents me from doing so by telling me that children's aid will take our kids away if I report any issues.

Only a few people have seen his bullying. He is verbally and emotionally abusive in private, but most people think he is a wonderful husband and father. He can be, but most of the time we walk on eggshells around him.

But what if it is all me? Because of my childhood and upbringing, I don't know what normal is. As difficult as this situation is, it's a step up from what I grew up with. But I want something better for my kids. This forum is great, and has great resources, but I am afraid to reach out to people close by.

Sorry for the long intro. Still afraid to post this, but here I go.

[Blueberry]

Hello Marigold A warm welcome to the forum!

Congrats on being brave enough to leave your post up!

I'm really sorry that you and your children are experiencing bullying from your H. I'm sorry, I feel numb and blank when I try and write more. I wanted to let you know that your post has been read.

It's just terrible that your H would put you under pressure like children's aid would take the kids if you talk to a doctor. I really doubt that a doctor or children's aid would act that fast, without trying to work out a solution. One place that might also be helpful to look is our sister website OutOfTheFog ostensibly for people dealing with a person with a Personality Disorder, whether diagnosed or not. https://outofthefog.website/links  or  https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro 

There's also a forum there where you'll be able to read about other women (and sometimes men) who have been bullied this kind of way by a partner. Sometimes OOTF posts are a little brusque so if that puts you off, you might prefer to spend more time here! You wouldn'T be the only one. But there are many more mbrs on OOTF than on here and therefore sometimes simply more information, more life experiences on interactions with e.g. a bully. Or on how a doctor may or may not react - or what a doctor must or must not report. (That will depend on what country you're in).

Those problems are definitely not all on you! Even if your childhood left you feeling you don't know what normal is, there's still no reason for your H to take advantage of that and bully you. 

I hope I'm not giving you too much advice here. If any doesn't apply, just ignore it.

May I send you a little  and some protection to keep off bad things 

[Marigold]

Hi Blueberry,

Thank you so much for your reply and the info on OOTF. I appreciate any advice and guidance, and will definitely check out the link.

It's hard to describe how it feels to have someone just accept what I am feeling without having to justify it or apologize. I am so grateful

[Blueberry]

It's hard to describe how it feels to have someone just accept what I am feeling without having to justify it or apologize. I am so grateful

You're very welcome. I know that feeling well myself. I also know how it feels when I seem to be having to justify and justify and justify. Not good, putting it mildly. You'll find others on here have experience with both of those feelings too.

I hope to see you more around the forum and will be interested in your story and experiences if and when you feel ready to post a little about them. There is no hurry though! No obligation here - ever - to divulge more than you feel comfortable with. 

[Kizzie]

Hi and a very warm welcome Marigold   

It definitely sounds like your children and you are suffering ongoing emotional abuse by your H. Feeling trapped (e.g., telling you your children will be taken away if you speak to your doctor) and powerless is characteristic of what's referred to as coercive control .  What he's telling you and how he behaves is all about exerting power and control over you and the children. As you're finding, that takes quite a toll on mental and physical health as does any form of ongoing relational trauma .

BB's advice to check out Out of the FOG is  as bullies often suffer from narcissistic personality disorder and OOTF has great resources to learn more it.  You may also want to google both narcissistic abuse and coercive control . There's loads of info about both now because people are waking up to the fact there's tons of it happening sadly. If there's an upside it's that we're finding one another and aren't alone with our trauma as much as we each were not so very long ago.

 

[Marigold]

Kizzie, Blueberry, thank you from the bottom of my heart❤.

The self doubt is paralyzing, and the worst part is failing my kids because of it. I've tried to get help for some issues they have been going through, but it didn't sink in until recently that cPTSD is probably a big contributor. Also we were not allowed to talk to therapists about what happens at home.

Growing up, my father physically abused my mother. Verbal and emotional abuse were routine. My husband had me convinced that his behaviour is normal and blamed my upbringing for all of our problems.

Now, I will keep reading and learning from everyone here. Crying a lot, but I think it's a good sign.

[bluepalm]

'Crying a lot, but I think it's a good sign' - oh Marigold I know that feeling. Welcome to this caring community. I'm so glad you had the courage to post your introduction. There's a wealth of experience here that has helped me enormously - all shared generously, as Kizzie and Blueberry have done right here for you. I look forward to hearing more of your journey and sharing and learning together.

[Marigold]

Hi Bluepalm. Thank you for your supportive words. Every time I hear my H tell me that I'm imagining things or that he's right and my thinking is all wrong, I reread the replies to my post. It helps to calm the self doubt, and I am able to keep reading the other posts and suggested information.

Coercive control sums up my marriage, but I get so confused when I talk to him. He also tells me that everyone he talks to agrees with him.

I think I am supposed to discuss this under a heading. I'm sorry for going on when this is supposed to be an intro. I really just wanted to express my gratitude again. It is so nice to connect with people that really understand and are non-judgemental.

[Kizzie]

Coercive control sums up my marriage, but I get so confused when I talk to him. He also tells me that everyone he talks to agrees with him.

He means for you to feel that way Marigold and the more you read, understand and accept that, the more you'll be able to undo the confusion.

Support such as a family counselor would be helpful. I know that can be really hard to get sorted with him controlling you and the kids, so it may helpful to see if you can find a local domestic abuse agency that can help. (I'm not suggesting you leave, just that you look for some knowledgeable support to help you deal with the situation.)

[Blueberry]

Coercive control sums up my marriage, but I get so confused when I talk to him. He also tells me that everyone he talks to agrees with him.

I agree with Kizzie that he wants you to feel confused and he also wants to keep you feeling confused. When I was in my teens my elder brother who abused me verbally, emotionally and physically used to tell me 'all his friends' said how difficult and bad I was and also that he didn't have problems with anybody else, so it was obviously my fault we 'didn't get on'. Your H probably doesn't talk to anybody who would disagree with him but that doesn't mean there won't be people who see through him. Some people may not dare to disagree and others may not see the importance in doing so.

We're on your side here, we understand and we care. 

Don't worry about continuing the discussion here on your intro post. When you have enough free space in your head or feelings or somewhere, you'll know where it would make sense to continue this. In the meantime you have more important stuff going on, imo.

[Dante]

Hi Marigold, I understand the "feeling confused" when you talk to him.  Google gaslighting - it's a classic narcissist strategy.   They take the truth to start but then squat and distort it until you don't know what's true or not anymore.

You aren't alone!   

[Not Alone]

Marigold, a warm welcome to OOTS.