Avoiding Strong Emotions

[Dante]

I've known for a long time that things like hope and happiness are very triggering for me.  In fact, those are some of the things that cause my most self-destructive behaviours.  I realized this morning that it's because I'm afraid of feeling any strong emotions, because I was punished for that as a child (passively - I was ostracized, ignored until I got myself under control - and I hate that I've told my own kids to get themselves under control, but I'm working to fix it with hugs to soothe them).  I'm also afraid of feeling any authentic feelings, because those are dangerous.  Only careful created and managed feelings that are socially acceptable are safe enough for me to "feel" (and I'm not really feeling them because they aren't authentic).

This feels revelatory to me.  I've known for awhile that I need to learn to just sit with feelings of anxiety, discontent or stronger feelings that result from an EF.  It hadn't occurred to me that I need to equally learn to sit with feelings of peace, hope and happiness.

[Armee]

I missed this when you first posted it, Dante.

First I wanted to comment on how warm it makes me feel that you saw the cycle with your own kids and inserted hugs to break it. Makes me smile so big.

Second I'm glad younpsoted about these positive emotions being triggering as with the help of my T I've noticed the same is true for me. Especially feeling connected and safe with my husband. As soon as that happens, without a second thought...just a thought of feeling safe and happy and content and connected...wham! Sucked into major dissociation. Or if I finally stand up for myself in therapy...latest was a couple weeks ago when I came to the emotional realization that I shouldn't have been responsible for my mom, it wasn't my job...wham. slumped down in shame and collapse.

So, thank you for opening this discussion. I feel less alone. I don't want others to think I don't want to be happy. I do!!!!

[Dante]

Thank you, Armee!   I'm so glad I'm not the only one.  Makes me feel a little less like a freak show! 

[rainydiary]

Dante, I experience this too.  I often catch myself holding my body completely rigid when I am "relaxing" and generally struggle with feeling any emotion that is too "big" (even if it is joy) because of years and years of that getting punished.  At any sign of feeling relaxed or calm or good, my brain has a knack for cranking up the drama to keep me at some messed up, out of whack, hypervigilant baseline. 

Awareness does seem to help some.  Even if I have an enjoyable moment or time that is immediately followed by an EF and my inner critic being loud, I try to notice that moment.  I hope those moments can string together more and more. 

I have found it helpful to make myself a "feel good menu" which includes things that make me feel good.  The challenge is practicing self acceptance about what makes me feel good and being ok that someone else's feel good menu would look very different and that is ok. 

[Larry]

HI Dante,  I hope you have a great day tomorrow,  I always want to say somehting helpful,  I just don't really know how.  But i am thinking of you,  and wish you the best.