Intro Post - Hi, everyone

[cynicalchicky]

Hi, my name is Jackie and I'm 33. I'm what you would call an "adult child of an alcoholic" (ACoA) and I'm struggling badly with CPTSD in my adult life, although on the surface my life looks quite happy and functional. I cannot help but blame myself for the despair and loneliness I feel despite my successes. A familiar refrain in my head is, "why can't you just be happy and let go of the past?"

I spent most of my life trying to intellectualize and compartmentalize my problems and reached my latest breaking point last year; during the pandemic I resorted to workaholic behaviors (to try and distract myself from, well, me) and got scarily close to a full nervous breakdown. I finally found a trauma therapist and have started my healing journey. I'm in this for the long haul and feel as though it would be best to talk to other people with similar experiences. I am currently struggling most with a lack of self worth and communicating my boundaries to others.

Regarding my traumatic experiences, my mother is a textbook narcissist who took out her rage on everyone around her, sober or drunk/high. I believe myself to be fortunate that she never put her hands on me, however, she took care to always remind me that I was the biggest mistake of her life and that everything was my fault. She used to taunt me and say that I could call my biological father (who ran out on us when I was 2) to take me if I ever tried to complain or emote, laughing that he didn't want me either. We got evicted so often I can't remember how many schools I've been in. She ran away a lot a lot too, leaving my stepfather to take me from bar to bar to try and find her. When we would find her, she would sometimes leave me alone with strange men a lot and I wonder at times if I was SA'd, but then I try not to think of that too much. Same as most ACoAs, I also took on a parental role and believed myself to be responsible for her health, safety, and well-being. This tore me apart as a little kid because I just worried about her constantly.

There's more, but honestly I don't want to subject anyone to a full novel. For anyone who did read through all of that, thank you so much. I'm really glad to be here and hope everyone out there is holding up as well as they possibly can.

[Papa Coco]

Hi Jackie,

(I like your name: Cynicalchicky).

Welcome, welcome, welcome!  I'm very glad to see you found this forum. I found it myself about two months ago. I have been in trauma therapy for decades. But Trauma therapy is only just now becoming more effective than ever before. More therapists understand true trauma now than they did only a decade ago, and more resources are emerging. This forum is my latest new resource to add to my healing journey. It's working for me, and I hope it will be a positive resource for you too.

I can't begin to tell you how insightful it is to be allowed to air my inner dialogue with people who already know why I feel how I feel. I have an amazing wife, kids and grandkids who love me, but they don't struggle with the inner demons I struggle with, so they really don't have the insights to help me work through them all. Here, I haven't stumped anyone yet. LOL. We all fully grasp each other's struggles and successes without any need to explain.

There are some really amazing people on this forum. I hope you'll find this to be a safe place to openly be yourself no matter your mood of the day. We dump here, we celebrate here, we share here. We all understand each other.

So, again, Welcome! Glad you are here.

[cynicalchicky]

Thanks, Papa Coco! I'm already in awe of how much resonates with me on the forum and am so glad to be in good company for the first time in my life.

I completely understand how you feel, too - I have a wonderful boyfriend of 13 years and a few really great friends, but they can't quite understand the turmoil in my head sometimes (understandably).

Thanks again for commiserating and for just being here 

[Armee]

Jackie,

Your mom's words and actions are so painful to read it just breaks my heart for you.

I was in a similar place as you...high functioning and on the verge of breakdown. But honestly I'm not sure I didn't enter that territory. Good job recognizing what was happening and getting help before that happened.

It's nice to meet you. Agree 100% with Papa Coco. It's a great place with people who 100% get you. I think even my therapist doesn't really understand me but everyone here does.

[Dante]

Welcome!  Like Papa Coco, I've only been on about 2 months, but have found amazing support and healing that I didn't even realize I was missing.  I could literally take your story, and replace it with my name almost word for word, so your not alone.  Biggest mistake.  Good luck getting someone to take care of you.  SA's that I can only vaguely remember around the edges.  Constant worrying about parents who never worried about me.  Check check check.

You're not alone!

[Pippi]

Thanks for your intro post, cynicalchicky.  (I like your name, by the way!)  My heart aches reading what you went through, but it (ironically) also helps me to read your story, because I know that I'm not alone.  The details of my story are different, but the pain and isolation of abuse by our families of origin feels the same.  I'm pretty new here, too, and everyone has been so incredibly kind and generous.  I look forward to hearing more from you.

[Not Alone]

Jackie, a warm welcome to OOTS.

[Kizzie]

Hi Chicky and a warm welcome to OOTS    Glad you found your way here and I hope you find the info and support you're looking for.  It really does help to have fellow survivors who just get it and can share their experiences and strategies for recovering/healing or on some days just weathering the storm.

I'm so sorry to hear about all that you went through. My M was a covert or stealth N and my F an alcoholic (I went to ACOA too), so I get the whole being the parent thing. It's what we had to do among other things to survive. Learning to shed that caretaker role is a work in progress for me. Learning to shed that 'responsible for everything bad' and 'I don't matter' message was harder but think I'm getting there and I hope the same holds true for you.