Ronja's Collection of Self-Esteem Issues

[Ronja]

Hello to anyone listening in on my dysfunctional ramblings,

I'm Ronja and this morning I've been busy anxiously ruminating. My current partner (let's call him Jay) is an incredibly smart person - he gets good grades consistently, and he's able to memorize random facts with ease. Yesterday he told me that back in our equivalent of high school, he graduated at the top of his class, and that definitely hit a sore spot somewhere in my head because now I can't help obsessing over the thought that he's far too smart to be with somebody like me.
The thing is, I firmly believe that doing well in your formal education is not the only sign of intelligence. And I know that I've done an exceptionally good job at navigating school, considering that back then, I've had to deal with largely unacknowledged c-ptsd and depression. Now I'm at university and I'm close to graduating, but it still feels like I don't deserve to be here (hello imposter syndrome?). I feel like I've been "faking" my intelligence, mostly because my parents never understood my depression, and blamed me for not performing well in school. My mother literally told be that I was too stupid to attend university, that I'm good for nothing, and I still have a hard time letting go of that belief. I also know that when I'm with other people, I have a hard time thinking clearly because I become hypervigilant or I dissociate, so when somebody asks me a question it takes me a long time to answer. I think other people believe me to be a slow thinker, when really my thoughts are constantly racing from one topic to the next.
And now I'm realizing that this is a topic that I could go on and on about. But even if I don't have a solution to my self-esteem issues, writing it down does make me feel a bit better.

Other than that... I know that I should be working on my bachelor's thesis right now, but I've been doing so much internal work that I have a hard time getting myself to start. The whole process also fills me with anxiety - fear of failure I suppose. On the other hand, I feel like I'm finally starting to come out of my phase of isolation. I'm starting to enjoy time with friends again, and I feel like this period of introspection has given me a healthier perspective on relationships. I'm also happy that my university is finally beginning to liven up again - and next Monday I'll be helping with organizing a social event to bring new students together. It'll be the first "party" I'll be attending since the pandemic started, so I'm excited, although also slightly anxious.

[rainydiary]

Ronja, I appreciate you sharing here.  It sounds like you have been working hard on many levels.  I hope that you find your next step with your thesis as well as continue to find ways to make connection with others that feels right for you. 

[sanmagic7]

 

welcome, ronja and hi .  glad you're here.

[Ronja]

First of all, thanks for the kind replies! It's always nice to feel seen.

But onto my next journal entry. Today is the social event I've been talking about last time, and as always, I feel much less enthusiastic now. It seems exhausting, and my brain is telling me that I won't be able to hold a conversation, that I'll embarrass myself, that people are going to hate me. Rationally, I know that's ridiculous. My friends will be there, other acquaintances will be there, and my boyfriend is going to join us later in the evening. Still... that irrational anxiety persists. I know by now that this feeling is a toxic coping mechanism from a different time, and that once I'm at the event, I'll be enjoying myself. It also helps to remember that even if I do end up not having fun, I can always leave.
I've noticed that meditating in the morning really helps with my emotional regulation, as well as staying grounded. I really want to prioritize it and make it an nonnegotiable part of my routine, because the difference it makes is astounding. And walks! Going on a long walk and listening to a motivating audio book often gives me a huge energy boost. Today, it actually made me sit down to work on my CV, a task which always makes me incredibly anxious because I've been raised to believe that I'm helpless and useless. Movement just really makes me feel like I can change something about my life, like I'm a person with agency. That's a wonderful thing. I really want to become completely financially independent from my foo to at least have the option of going no-contact with them. That alone would give me so much peace of mind.

[Armee]

Hi! I'm so impressed that you helped organize this event! I hope it goes well and you feel comfortable. It's a really good reminder to me too to remember you can always leave.

Self esteem issues have been really hard for me too, and I hope by looking at this early and doing such a great job seeing this as a relic from the past that you will heal from this soon. And the fact you are putting yourself into a social situation even though it makes you anxious shows you are putting in the work to heal. Good job!

[Papa Coco]

Hey Ronja,

It's fun to read your posts. You have so much good knowledge about your trauma responses. Understanding the difference between a trauma response and a real threat is one of the first hurdles to jump through to begin healing. Knowing why you feel like avoiding social events, and then choosing to take on the trauma response so you can attend the event anyway shows strong emotional intelligence.  It's inspiring to see you work through your trauma responses so you can still participate in life. As most of us know, courage is not the absence of fear, but the act of pushing through the fear as you are doing.

I just wanted to respond to your comment about how you hope to become financially independent from your FOO so you can walk away if you need to. YES! I am a living example that walking away from my abusive FOO was the best thing I ever did for myself. I have this goofy thing I say all the time: "You can't start healing the victims of a train crash until after the train stops crashing."  If the train is still tumbling down the hillside, all you can do is try to protect yourself from more injury. You don't pull out the first aid kit and start setting bones and stitching cuts until the threat of more injury is gone.

I was 50 when I finally walked away from my FOO. Before then, I would get partially away from them and start to feel better, but because I was still connected, someone would pull me back into their narcissistic drama and BAM! I'd go right back into my trauma shell. My wife would always know when I'd gotten a call either from or about my narci-sister by how I'd suddenly go dark and be lost in my head. And it got worse with age, not better. The h*ll they would put me through got more and more difficult to deal with the older I got.

Anytime there's a narcissist in a family, the entire family becomes dysfunctional. Like one single snake in a cage filled with mice. Every mouse is in trauma response while that snake is there. With one vicious narcissist in the family, everyone's life is in turmoil. Leaving the entire family is often the only way to get away from the snake and all the trauma-drama they create for the whole clan. My sister is definitely a snake.

Once I finally broke all ties with my FOO, it still took about a year for their voices of ridicule and shame to leave my head. But after that year, wow. Life has been so much better knowing they can't reach me with their toxic drama anymore. My healing finally got traction after my FOO was completely gone from my life.

I think it's a good plan to become disconnected from them while you're still young. I had to have a near fatal suicide attempt at 50 years of age before I finally realized that my life depended on breaking away from them all for good. That's when I finally decided that to die for one's family can be noble, but to die because of one's family is just a needless tragedy that didn't have to happen.

[Ronja]

Once again, thank you for all the replies!
We actually talked about emotionally disconnecting from our toxic FOO in our last self-help group session, and I've gotten a lot of encouragement to finally break free. I've also had a bit of an emotional breakdown with my boyfriend yesterday, mainly about financial dependence and how horrible it makes me feel to still have this tie to my family. He had a similar experience with his biological father, so talking to him was really helpful. I promised him that I'd finish the first draft of my CV come Friday, and that he'd take a look at it then. That's such a huge relief - it gives me accountability, as well as the security that I won't mess it up completely. But I still feel really guilty for "dumping" my problems onto him. It always makes me feel like a very difficult person to be with - and even though he assured me that me expressing my emotions isn't being difficult, I still worry that this might become a problem in the future. What if I end up leaning on him too much? What if he starts thinking that I'm too tiring, too much of a burden? I don't want this to become a therapist-patient relationship, but I also don't want to suppress my emotions. It's a difficult balance to strike.
Other than that, my week was more or less calm. I had a great time on Monday, although I stayed up a bit too late and felt groggy the next day. I had a yoga class yesterday morning, and my body is still aching from that. I had to cancel some outdoor events today because I know that I have to rest my muscles, and the weather is horrible anyway, so I don't feel all that guilty about it. I'm just hoping that the weather won't mess up the plans I have with my friends. After all the difficult emotions yesterday, I really need to get out of my head for a bit.

[dollyvee]

Hi Ronja,

Financial dependence was a big issue for me and keeping me tied to my family. It was a thread throughout my early life too and I was basically conditioned to have a fear of what will happen, and when coupled with their big expectations, it was an intense mix. I didn't realize how persistent the feeling was in the back of my mind for ages, so congrats on working on this and recognizing it. I think it also opened me up to bad behaviour at work, thinking that certain things were acceptable because I needed the money.

dolly

[Hope67]

Movement just really makes me feel like I can change something about my life, like I'm a person with agency. That's a wonderful thing.

Hi Ronja,
I found this very motivating and positive, and I love the enthusiasm you speak with in saying this. 

I hope you are feeling better after your yoga session, as I know you were aching afterwards. 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

 

[Ronja]

Hello! It's been a while, but I'm back now. It's been a hectic couple of weeks, and I've been slacking on journal writing because of it. Alas, there's nothing to do but get back into it as soon as possible.

I was offered a small job at my university, which I took. Getting all of the necessary documents together was incredibly anxiety inducing, especially since I've had to contact my father to do so. I realized that I can't really do these things alone - adult stuff always triggers an anxiety attack, since I've never had an adult by my side who would take the time to explain it to me - so I asked a friend to sit with me while I did it, and that helped enormously. And now that I know what documents will be expected of me in future jobs, earning my own money feels a little less intimidating. That's one of the first steps to true independence. Next up, I want to start managing my finances better - I know very little about my bank, since my father set it up a long time ago. I have a little bit of money saved, and I want to learn how to manage it properly. Especially since I want to keep living in the city I'm currently studying in, and I can't stay in my cheap dorm flat forever. I'd love to move in with my partner, have a nice and save and cozy flat with him. But that'll definitely be more expensive, so I have to start setting the foundations for an independent life right now.

My emotions have been all over the place, too. I've been much more anxious that usual, and I've had some depressive bouts which were incredibly unpleasant. I've been feeling incredibly broken on a few occasions, like I'm too much for anyone to handle, like I'm not made for this world. I've just finished reading a book called "Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine", whose protagonist woman who has been traumatized in her childhood. I could relate to her a lot, feeling like you don't belong, like the best you can hope for is being tolerated by the people around you, enduring life rather than living it. It seems so easy for all the people around me to make friends, to be liked. They get contacted all the time because they're fundamentally likable, whereas I'm lucky if I get one message a day. Sometimes I wonder if it's because I may seem a little bit aloof at first - but I don't understand why that would be, since I always try to be as kind as possible. Maybe I'm just not a good conversationalist. It's hard for me to talk about myself, and I think that people notice that and assume that I don't want to be close to them. At least it feels that way, but I know that my perception of such things is skewed. Right now, I'm having a bit of late autumn blues (maybe a mild form of SAD?), mainly because it's too dark and cold to spend much time outside and enjoy it. I've been exercising much less, as well, and that definitely made my moods less stable. I'm taking some vitamins now, and I'm hoping they'll help. I've also been forcing myself to go for a short jog at least every other day. I've been thinking of getting one of these light therapy thingies, but I don't know if I want yet another electronic device cluttering my space.

Anyway, this is the gist of what has happened in the past few weeks. I'll try to write more regularly from now on - journal entries really help with organizing my thoughts, and the kind replies always put a smile on my face. Thanks for reading everyone - I hope you have a nice rest of the week!

[Armee]

Just a gentle offer for a hug of support if you'd like?

I can relate to what you write about perfectionism and feeling different. It's awesome you are taking steps toward independence and more awesome that you asked for a friend to sit with you. 

You don't have to do it alone and you don't have to be perfect.  You are loveable for who you are underneath the perfection.

[sanmagic7]

whew - sounds like you're contemplating quite a few big changes, ronja.  change can certainly be distressing, and cause our emotions to take rides on a roller coaster. 

it also sounds as if you're setting some healthy, independent goals for yourself.  i'm glad for you.  love and hugs

[Ronja]

Good morning everyone!

First of all, thank you again for the supportive comments - I really appreciate it, and it made me feel a little bit better on this dark and gloomy morning.
Tonight, I had a bit of a nightmare, which tied in to another nightmare I had a few weeks ago. Both were about my fear of abandonment, being left my my loved ones out of nowhere, unable to talk to them about it or change their minds in any way. I don't usually get nightmares, which is a relief, and even those two have been rather tame - I didn't wake up screaming or anything, but I did wake up feeling horrible about myself, and it always takes a while for me to connect my poor emotional state to the nightmare. It can ruin my day if I don't notice it early enough. Today I did, and I had a bit of a cry, and listened to some music which always makes me feel a little bit less broken. I feel a little bit better now, though still shaken. It seems that abandonment is a much bigger fear of mine than I've realized, and I think that it's subconsciously influencing my relationships. When somebody gets too close to me, I tend to make up reasons why they can't possibly like me. I tell myself that I'm too stupid for them, or that I'm not good enough of a friend, or that I'm toxic, or that they're toxic. And then I just quietly remove myself from the relationship, stop attempting to contact them, give up, basically... I'd like to say that I've gotten better at not pushing people away, but the negative thoughts are still in my head and they are hard to ignore. It's self-sabotage, and it's incredibly distressing. At least my nightmare helped me realize that. I wonder if it would be beneficial for me to write a dream journal, since my dreams really do influence my moods.

I would like to address such things with my friends and partner, but I never know how to start those kinds of conversation. I'm not really good at doing it casually, but I'm also far too good at masking my emotions, so it's rare that anyone realizes that something's wrong and asks me about it. And I hate how I always end up in tears in conversations like that. It makes me feel like such a burden, even though I know that it's perfectly okay and healthy to cry sometimes. I just can't get rid of the belief that if I'm not nice, and pleasant, and good enough, the people I love will eventually leave me. (small update on that: while writing, I decided to message my partner to tell him that I had a nightmare, and ask him to remind me to talk about it... that way, my mind can't make up excuses on why I should deal with this alone, since he now knows that something's up, and I don't have to feel guilty because he can decide when and where we can talk about more serious stuff. this is actually genius!)

Anyway, that's all for today - as always, I feel much better now that I've put everything into words. Thanks for reading, and have a nice day! 

[Hope67]

Hi Ronja,
I'm glad you feel a bit better after your experience at night, although I know you still felt shaken.  Sending you a supportive hug, if that helps 
Hope