next stage and emdr

[jamesG.1]

So...

Well, I'm struggling to be honest. The dreary smudge at the end of lockdown, the political pantomimes and the economic sludge collide merrily with the coming of winter and my mood has fallen off the table. Kept at bay a bit with meds but it's time to fight back.

Went to the docs and talked it through, initially without much joy, but then later with some real progress. Maybe I had it wrong, I do have a tendency to assume a negative response to me, but I had a call back that showed they completely understood what was happening and we're giving it some proper thought.

So... EMDR.

Will be in Jan/Feb most likely. I don't care what it costs, it needs doing. I'm just fighting too many negatives both internal and external and I can feel my emotional handbrake failing. Just knowing it's on the way is making a huge difference.

20 months of lockdown, I mean come on... it's a lot for us all. And it's not just the restrictions, but the lack of distraction, the momentum sapping niggles, the downbeat mood of those around us. It would be a trial for anyone, it has been, but with C-PTSD it's a real mind melter.

I've been really fighting bad temper and depression, struggling to relate to my partner and anything but my battle with C-PTSD and the processing of the past. But I've not been winning. The aim is to beat the thing, not churn it like butter for the rest of my life. It has to go. I think it's the sheer frustration of swatting it away all the time in company. At home, it's constant interaction and I just can't spend the time I need pointing my fire hose at the smouldering embers. You have to keep jumping on moods to keep them from escalating, and yes... you can do it, but it takes so much out of you and is a huge drain on your relationships.

It's exhausting.

Everything I'm seeing about EMDR, despite its strange method, seems to be glowing. Assault victims, abuse survivors, it really does seem to rewire the brain. Whether it can affect more varied trauma types is the question. In my case the trauma, though at its worse as an adult, had childhood origins, but there are few major moments, more a long drawn out series of slow-motion declines under the oppression and madness of others.

Can EMDR budge that? We shall see.

[Larry]

Hi James, sorry to hear you have been having a hard time.  i'm sure being locked down for so long makes things worse.   i hope emdr works for you.  i am seeing a T this friday that does emdr.  i have not tried it yet ,but have heard good things. 

[Kizzie]

Really sorry to hear you're struggling right now James. 

Went to the docs and talked it through, initially without much joy, but then later with some real progress. Maybe I had it wrong, I do have a tendency to assume a negative response to me, but I had a call back that showed they completely understood what was happening and we're giving it some proper thought.

That's such a win!  It suggests to me maybe more professionals are beginning to get trauma and our need for effective treatment, not to mention validation and compassion.  Having them in your corner is or can be a game changer.

Re EMDR I had a bit of a bad go the first two times I tried it and later figured out it was because the T was new and didn't do any grounding work with me.  It was also at the beginning of learning about and beginning to deal with my CPTSD so it was too much at that stage.

The next time I tried it a few years later I found it did really help me to shift me away from the constant rumination or butter churning (love it  ). A lot of what I was dealing with seemed to integrate and I had more resources, more of me at my disposal rather than it being a constant focus if that makes sense. 

You're far enough along in recovery I suspect/hope it will be quite helpful for you. 

PS - One thing I did to help myself with the oppression and madness of others, seemingly everywhere the past few years is to buy a book by Steven Pinker called "Enlightenment Now" in which he pulls on facts and figures to show the progress we're making as humans.  A bit of a read but it nicely counterbalances the ranting and doomsday screaming of news/social media. Quite uplifting I've found.