Learning to heal, Larry's journey

[Larry]

I had no idea how messed up i am.  i thought it was normal.  i thought everyone had anxiety, depression, hypervigilance,  trust issues,  emotional flashbacks, dissociation, addiction.   It helps knowing i am not alone,  but also knowing this is not normal.  things should not be this way.  i am just now learning about recovery.  first therapy session is this friday.   it is what i am hoping to be the first step in recovery. 

[Bach]

I remember when I thought it was normal.  Finding out it wasn't was a bit of a shock but it gave me a way forward.  Therapy is hard work but it really can help.  Congratulations on the steps you're taking to heal, Larry, and very best of luck with starting your therapy.

[Armee]

  I'm glad you've started a journal Larry!

You aren't alone in not seeing the extent of your injuries and their impact on your life and health. You are seeing it before you even start therapy so I think you have a head start! Rest assured as you go through therapy for awhile you'll see more of it. You'll go through denial and being hard on yourself. Eventually you'll accept it all and start to heal.

I'm at the stage of finally having my eyes fully open to the extent to the impacts things have had on me and my life and accepting it instead of fighting against it with persistent thoughts that "I shouldn't be like this" "it wasn't that bad" "I should be better by now" and "I'm not good enough." The healing has been happening since I stepped foot in my therapist's office but I think it's about to take off because I can finally accept and be kind to myself.

I can't wait to read about your discoveries and healing. You've been very vulnerable and open and it's a great trait and helps many people.

[woodsgnome]

Hi Larry, it's good to see you're staying focused on wanting to move beyond just wallowing along, and finding new resolve to create a new way forward -- YOUR way.

That sounds bold and easy -- on the bold side, for sure; but none of this is ever easy. What is easy is the temptation to give up when things seem too scary or hazardous to want to go further.

Here's hoping you can develop a good relationship with the therapist you mentioned. It's also important, I think, to remember that the driver of your therapy is always you. After all, therapy appointments are by nature a small portion of overall time. It seems like you have already attained a grasp on that and are indeed ready to wade in further.

Journaling also bodes well -- by posting things here -- even though it's mostly personal -- you'll find people willing to help where they can, and who might also relate to what you're going through.

Best to you on this new territory you're entering.

[Larry]

thank you all for the support !  I am scared and excited,  I really want to just be happy and have fun.  I feel like i don't know how to do that.  I will post something Friday after my session ! 

[Larry]

I did it !  and I feel so relieved !  The T was really understanding,  I felt comfortable even with the anxiety.   She recommended Lexapro,  not sure I can do that. 

[Armee]

Yay!!!

Good job Larry! I'm so excited for this positive step forward for you. You deserve that!

I don't have experience with medication but I'm sure your T would talk through the pros and cons with you of using medication vs other healthy and unhealthy coping strategies. You're in charge.

[Larry]

thank you Armee !!

[Bach]

Congratulations, Larry!  I'm so glad that the T was understand and that you felt comfortable.  That's good stuff.

A word about medication:  It does certainly help some people, but not so much others.  If I may make a suggestion, do some research into both the medication itself and people's personal experiences with it.  I think it's a good idea to keep your mind open to the possibility, but as Armee said, you're in charge.  There's nothing wrong with trying it if after informing yourself and discussing it with your therapist you feel that it might help, but there is no reason to believe that you must take it if you feel uncomfortable with it for any reason. 

[Larry]

Thank you Bach,  I have always been afraid of any meds,  especially anti deppressants,   I really feel so luckky to have so much support !

[Papa Coco]

Hey Larry!

Thank you for sharing your relief with us about your first visit. I can feel the relief myself now too.  Now that visit #1 is done with, the world must feel a bit brighter than it did yesterday.

As for Lexapro: That's my favorite. My doctor prescribes the lowest possible dose for me only when I need it. I usually only take it for a month or so here and there (Maybe once every one to two years when my anxiety becomes round the clock and too much for me to handle). It presents me with fewer side effects than any other med I've ever taken, and since she prescribes the lowest dose, I am able to get on and off of it with very little effort. I always consult her first before I start it or stop it, but it's always pretty easy for me to do. These meds aren't like aspirin that we take as needed. We go on it for a period of time and then go off it when it's safe to do so. I always keep my doctor in the loop.

I'm all for you making that choice for yourself. The Lexapro just sort of takes the edge off if my anxiety becomes 24x7 for any extended period of time. Otherwise, like you, I prefer to be non-medicated also. And I no longer drink, so I don't know if alcohol causes any issues with the Lexapro. You might look into that if you choose to try it.

I'm real happy today that you had this visit and that you're feeling good about it. This is a day to celebrate!

[Dante]

I'm so proud of you Larry!  You're on the path to road now.  There will be potholes, but the scenery is amazing, so take time to take it in.

I've taken Lexapro and a lot of other stuff.  I've found it will help initially (maybe even just a placebo effect) but it wears off.  If you try it and find it's not helping anymore, don't be afraid to tell your T about that.  But I found Lexapro to be one of the better ones.  I'm not on any meds now, but if something new that might help me came along, I'd try it.  Also, you don't have to be on it forever.  It can just help smooth things out while you deal with the hurt.

[Larry]

Thank you both  !!     I would like to find a way to celebrate without drinking,  I've never done that before !  maybe  It's time to try new things, 

[Armee]

Thatd be a great way to celebrate and to have the courage to take that step to find new ways to celebrate would probably give you a lot of confidence.

[woodsgnome]

  Good day, Larry. I can sense a more peaceful flow to your words today. And you also answered your own wonder about how things might go.

You had understandable hints of anxiety before. Then today you wrote this : "I really want to just be happy and have fun. Yet I don't know how to do that yet." That sounds like a welcome sigh of relief, and that's your happy/fun moment -- you did well  .

You may not have known 'how' to celebrate, and you just did so, almost without noticing, as you've had little experience of it before. My best times in processing and celebrating weren't grandiose either, but would usually catch me unawares when the thought hit -- "hey, I suddenly feel better about this."

From what you say, Larry, I think that's what's happened for you -- you feel better, didn't really know what to expect, and yet here you are; still aware there may be challenges ahead but now equipped with a sure sign of hope. Having poked its head into your process of turning the corner, hope will be happy to join you as you progress further in building your own road to 'healing'.

For now, it's more than enough to just know that you've now taken a couple huge steps on the once hopelessly elusive path to 'healing'. Well done.