Learning to heal, Larry's journey

[sanmagic7]

larry,  i think you are doing a good job.  from what i've learned along the way, using alcohol can be a crutch to get us thru a hard time, or can be a coping mechanism for getting us thru layers of hard times.  may i encourage you to keep at it, keep at your recovery.  eventually, i have no doubt, you'll recover yourself to the point where the alcohol will simply no longer be needed.  i'm glad you found an ice cube to be an effective grounding device.  way to make lemonade out of a lemon.  well done.   in the meantime, do what you can when you can.  your pace. i'm on your side with this.   love and hugs

[Pippi]

Just want to chime in with my support, too, Larry.  I am also trying to drink less, and it's NOT easy - lots of emotions emerging that used to be covered by numbing out with drink (and food, too).  I so admire your courage to walk this path.  I think most people would choose the easier (less alive, less aware) path.  But I think that is more like sleep-walking than living a full life.  My belief is that this harder path is going to lead to a far richer one.  I am sorry to hear about your nightmares.  For me, facing my demons has meant an extremely intense dream-life, with bizarre and vivid dreams emerging since I started digging deeper into my recovery.  My therapist said that there is a lot of processing going on while we dream, and she advised that I try to listen to my dreaming self, to learn what it was trying to tell me.  So I'm trying to do that.  My hope is that my dreaming self is working through some things that I can't do while awake.  And I hope this is true for you, too.  Sending you tons of support from someone who is on a similar journey....

[Larry]

thank you sanmagic and pipi,  i really appreciate everyone here
Last night... i told my wife in a text message to look up cptsd,  her response?  "are you kidding me "  she really thought i was yelling at her in my sleep.  so she decided she would yell at me all day yesterday,  yelling the things i say in my sleep.  that really didn't help.  this morning she mentioned therapy,  she doesn't know i started a few weeks ago.  she want's to talk about it,  that is the last thing i want to do
i stayed out late and got really drunk,  took a cab home.  i don't want to drink so much,   i just don't know how to handle everything

[Armee]

I'm sorry Larry that she is taking your night terrors personally. It sounds like you both are very hurt and frustrated and scared.

I hope that one day you can turn to your wife for support, if she is trustworthy and kind.

I think that it can also be hard to find the right stuff on CPTSD so perhaps you could suggest a couple articles that seem to capture its essence for you and share it with her.

I like this one and maybe find one about addiction and CPTSD and insomnia and nightmares.  https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-complex-ptsd-2797491

[Larry]

thank you armee,   she needs to know,  but i feel like things are going to get harder ,  i just want it to go away

[dollyvee]

I'm sorry Larry, that's really hard. I hope she comes to see what you're going through.

She might be thinking that you're trying to cover up drinking and with time will come to understand that you are dealing with what's behind the drinking.

Lots of support and sun,

dolly 

[Larry]

had a good day,  work was good,  went to the bar,  drank a little more than i wanted but did not get drunk.  my wife wants to talk about my cptsd,  i really am not ready for that,  it is nice she knows now,  she read a little about it.  i really want to get some sleep.  i know my wife doesn't like when i cuss, scream punch and kick in my sleep.  i don't know how i can stop that.   

[Armee]

This is really positive to hear, Larry. I hope she can be on your side as she learns more about cptsd. You don't need to tell her your traumas for her to understand the symptoms. I don't tell my spouse about specifics when stuff comes up. I just hug him tight and when he asks what's wrong I tell him it's not something I want to talk about i just want a hug.

[Snowdrop]

Your wife learning and reading about cptsd sounds positive, Larry. It will help her understand, which I hope will help you too.

[rainydiary]

Larry, I am glad to read your update.  It can be supportive to have understanding of CPTSD of those closest to us and I hope that applies in your situation. 

[Larry]

thank you everyone !    I hope you all have a great day !

[Larry]

I have been doing good,  only had 2 drinks yesterday,  i don't know why,  but i feel depressed today.  i just want to lay in bed all day. 

[rainydiary]

Larry, I find it so challenging to have ups and downs in life.  I hope that you find some condor and ease today. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, larry,

is there a chance you could have your wife come to a session with you?  my thought is it may be easier for her to understand c-ptsd if she hears it from a professional, and also that it might be easier for you to talk to her about it if your therapist is there with you.  just a thought - if it doesn't feel good, please ignore, ok?

i do believe that as you continue in your your healing, the nighttime stuff will eventually leave.  hang tough, larry.  we're here for you.  love and hugs

[Larry]

My wife doens't know i started therapy,  i don't think i am ready to tell her,  next session is friday.   just feeeling bored lonely and depressed.  i don't know what to do today.  i am so hungry,  but just can't eat right now.