Learning to heal, Larry's journey

[sanmagic7]

 

[Larry]

today...  started slow,  a little depressed.  i did get to the gym.   that seems to help.  I had 2 drinks at the bar,  having one at home now.   I really need to find a new job.  Just feeloing so confused right now.  My 3rd session is friday,  coming so fast.  my T wants to start trama work,  I really don't think i am ready for that.  i know i need to do this. 
Last night i was at the bar,  karaoke night,  it was loud,  so many people.  i have been doing good at managing things.  i couldn't do it last night.  i was so scared,  might have been having a flashback.  i had to leave ,   a few of the bartenders know i have issues.  i don't think they really understand.  they probably think i am crazy

[Armee]

We know you aren't crazy, Larry. Had the same conversation with my T yesterday. OK so what if you look weird, kind of thing.

Sometimes these things just come up out of the blue and we are jumpy and hypervigilant, or shutdown. It just...is. even as you heal this stuff will still surprise you sometimes but it'll get easier.

Starting trauma work starts with developing coping skills way before you start processing any trauma.  Starting trauma work does not mean and should not mean talking about or even thinking about what happened. And YOU and ONLY YOU control the pace. There is no rush. Rushing backfires.

[Larry]

thank you armee!.  i just don't like the sound of "trama work"  i know i am not ready.   i feel like i may never be ready.  i am so scared of everything right now. 

[Armee]

I get that! I mean jeez my body just manufactured a major freakout yesterday to avoid trauma work! It takes time! I've been in therapy 3 years already. Huge improvements all along but still so much to deal with.

[Larry]

I am so glad you are here,  i was so lost a few months ago.  i now feel like i have some support.  thank you !

[Blueberry]

My wife doens't know i started therapy,  i don't think i am ready to tell her,  next session is friday.   

ime it's really, really important to go at your own pace when in healing. So, if you don't feel ready to tell your wife, then it's likely you're not ready to do so or some part of you (e.g. an Inner Child you don't even know) is not yet ready to do so.

[Blueberry]

i just don't like the sound of "trama work"  i know i am not ready.   i feel like i may never be ready.  i am so scared of everything right now.

Maybe you would feel better if Armee's "trauma work" was called "preparatory trauma work" or something?

I really believe that for you just coming on this forum and writing what you think and what you feel is your trauma work. You are taking the steps you are presently capable of taking and you are moving forwards with them. You are preparing the ground work for going a little bit deeper sometime, when you feel ready. You have also begun therapy. Another big step. You are ready for the steps you are currently taking!

Here are some recovery/healing sayings just for cptsd: "The slower you go, the faster you get there." (As Armee wrote, 'rushing backfires'. My own experience again and again.)
Another one: "Stabilisation, stabilisation, stabilisation. Take a little peak at something. Stabilisation, stabilisation, stabilisation."
Often found on here: "Baby steps count."

I am glad you are on the forum, showing yourself as you are including your questions and your fears and worries, but also your empathy for other mbrs. I believe that that also is groundwork, preparation work for looking at harder, deeper stuff later.   

[sanmagic7]

hey, larry,

i think the phrase 'trauma work' can be intimidating all by itself.  it can put a reality to what you're dealing with, and sometimes those realities are uncomfortable, distressing, or just plain scary.  this might be something to tell your therapist so they can make adjustments in how they present ongoing therapy for you. 

i agree with the others about going at your own pace.  know that you have the power to speed up or slow down your therapy.  the therapist is meant to be a guide, but you are the driver.

and, no, you're not crazy, larry.  wounded, hurt, scared, unsure - all those things and maybe more, yeah, but that does not equal crazy.  you've gone thru a lot, it's taken its toll, and now you're in the process of healing.  you've already begun trauma work, for lack of a better term.  being here, sharing your story, feeling cared about, supporting others - you're doing the work already. 

keep taking care of you the best you can.  sending love and a hug filled with comfort and care.

[rainydiary]

Larry, I appreciate all that you are sharing here.  There is no one way and I appreciate that you are finding what works for you. 

[Larry]

all of you are amazing and so much appreciated.  your input really helps,  i feel a little better today.   trying not to think about tomorrow. 

[Not Alone]

Would it be helpful to ask your T, "What is trauma work? What does that look like?" Your concerns, questions, and fears are important. If you are able and willing, it might be helpful to share those with your T.

[Larry]

i will ask tomorrow,  maybe i am making a bigger deal out of it than it is.  i am just scared to go tomorrow.  i know it will help,  it is just so painful.  i have only had 2 drinks today,  might have 1 more,   i hope i can sleep tonight

[Armee]

Good luck getting through everything until your appointment. Here are some phrases to consider or practice in your head:
"not yet"
"this is too fast"
"I need to slow down"
"I need your help establishing trust first"
"I'm afraid if we go too fast I will cope by drinking more. Can you help me develop safer coping skills before we start talking about trauma?"

You have the right to ask for what you need. She works for you.

[dollyvee]

Hey Larry,

Hope the session with T goes well today. Sending you some support.

dolly