Learning to heal, Larry's journey

[Larry]

i appreciate all of you,  i was with my wife and some of her theater friends,  I had to leave early,  I really could not stand being around people today.  It is so wierd how i can go from happy to extremly irritated.  I just got home,  i did have 5 drinks today.  i might have a few more.  I don't know what i'm feeling,  but i don't like it.  just angry and agitated for no reason. 

[Armee]

This dance is very natural and normal Larry. But over time you'll notice some slow changes and some big major ones. Just be kind to yourself. It's ok.

[Not Alone]

Larry, I'm glad that your first appointment with your T went well and that you felt understood.

This dance is very natural and normal Larry. But over time you'll notice some slow changes and some big major ones. Just be kind to yourself. It's ok.

[dollyvee]

Hi Larry,

It sounds really positive that you're open to talking about this stuff and it's a big step congrats. Thanks for sharing with us. I think it's also a big step to recognize that feelings are coming up that you don't feel comfortable with. They're not always easy to deal with when they do come up but this is a good resource here in understanding what might be going on 

I learned recently that I had bad gut bacteria which can exacerbate anxiety (posted a thread in health channel) and depression. Not always the answer for everyone but I think starting to deal with it has helped me feel more settled.

dolly

[Larry]

thank you for being here Dolly, 

[Hope67]

Hi Larry,
I'm glad that your therapy session went ok.   Just wanted to pop into your journal today to wish you well.
Hope 

[Larry]

thank you Hope !

[Larry]

Monday.....  somehow i made it to work this morning.  Stayed up all night ,  drinking and watching music videos.  My wife is really upset with me. I need to get some sleep.   I have not had any alcohol today.  I need to slow down.  sometimes i just don't want too.  I think I am trying to hurt or punish myself by over drinking.  I have another session a week from today.  I promised my T that i would not drink and drive.  i want to keep that promisse,  but when i drink,  i don't always make good decisions

[Armee]

Maybe you can make the decisions before you drink? Like only walking or taking public transport to the bars or drink at home?

I hope sometime soon you are able to confide in your wife a little when the is right. In your wife's shoes I'd feel really relieved to know you were getting help.  And probably a bit more patient.

But one step at a time right? You're doing great, Larry.

[Larry]

Thank you Armee,  My T suggested that as well,  taking a cab to the bar,  they are cheap where i live,  7 dollars,  no reason not too.   I don't know how to even begin telling my wife,  I told her before that i was abused,  and have ptsd,  but i don't think she knows how that has affected me.  I don't usually like to share many things.  I feel comfortable here,  sharing with so many nice people. Next session is a week from today.  seems like it is so far away,  i feel like it wil be harder than the first session.  i don't want to feel emotional,  but i know it is going to happen.  for years i was able to hide and bury emotions.  I had a EF a few months ago,  since then i have been all over the place with emotions.  I want to bury them again,  even though i know that isn't the best way to handle them.

[Armee]

If it makes you feel better I have been quite successful in burying my emotions even while in therapy. Haven't needed a tissue once much to both me and my therapist's chagrin. 

When you're ready your T will help you figure out how to talk to your wife about how much and why this is a struggle.

[rainydiary]

Larry, I can relate to having a spouse that might not understand the impact of trauma, abuse, and PTSD.  I personally have found that what I really want my husband to know is what I need...and sometimes what I need is something I didn't get as a child and that isn't something he can really provide.  For me the hurt of the past is what it lacked and moving forward for me has been about figuring out what I need and nurturing that.  I will be thinking of you as you navigate this time. 

[Larry]

Thank you both so much.  the support i have received here has been so helpful.  I try to return that support,  it feels good to do that,  i'm just not really good at knowing what to say.  what an eye opener,  i never even thought about what i "need",  i have just been stuck in surviving. 

[rainydiary]

Larry, I appreciate what you say.  I think that when you begin to find what works for you, you may find ways to offer to others.  I also think it's ok if you don't do that and aren't always sure what to say.  It is ok to receive. 

I also appreciate the feeling of survival.  I have been thinking about how I used to tell people "I am a trauma survivor."  I don't really know if I like that language anymore.  I don't want to be known or exist simply as a "survivor."  I want to feel agency and joy and fullness in my life. 

It is difficult to identify what one's needs are when you haven't learned that growing up.  I hope you find ways to identify that - for I started noticing the voice in me that had an opinion that I kept quiet.  At first it often started with honestly telling my husband what I wanted to eat if we were getting take out and not just leaving it up to him. 

[dollyvee]

... i never even thought about what i "need",  i have just been stuck in surviving.

Hi Larry,

Thanks for being here too. Your journal sounds very open and positive that you're willing to approach these things. Being stuck in survival is very familiar. There were some really good podcasts that someone recommended before called Beyond Bitchy about setting boundaries that were a good eye opener for me. Also, Pete Walker's CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving is also a good starting point.

I'm 42 and am still becoming aware of how much patterning I have from the way I grew up. We learn to behave in these ways from very young children and it's how we made the world safe in a very unsafe environment.

dolly