Learning to heal, Larry's journey

[Larry]

I feel so lucky to have all of you here with me !  I did not drink at all yesterday.  Not sure what will happen today.  Not working today.  really trying to staay positive

[dollyvee]

Hi Larry,

Just wanted to stop by and say I hope you're doing ok today.

dolly

[Larry]

Hi Dolly,  thank you !  I am good today,  yesterday....  i really over drank,  did a bunch of shots,  the bartender cut me off,  which i really appreciate.  I usually am a very happy drunk,  apparently not last night.  I gave the bartender my keys before i got too drunk,  so i didn't drive,  i don't know why,  but i left really angry,  i wouldn't accept a ride home.  i walked 2.5 miles,  drunk as could be.  cursing at every car that drove by.  only slept 4 hours,  had to work today.  I really want to stop over drinking.  i don't know why i am doing this to myself. 

[dollyvee]

Hi Larry,

I'm glad you got home safe and making good decisions. I had a period of what I think of as destructive partying just to not feel what was happening inside me.

I don't know if you're familiar with IFS but essentially we're all made up of different parts that were formed as a result of the things that happened growing up, good and bad. Behind every part is the Self, which we all have, and simply is the compassionate, caring, curious, (there are 7 c's) part that is always there once we step away from our other parts. So, if something bad happens, we usually lock that part away and the feelings associated with it as an exile. Then we have protectors in place to make sure those feelings don't come out. One of the ways we do that is to have firefighters active when the feelings start to surface such as drinking, overeating, risky behaviour etc. and they keep the feelings at bay. So, IFS is the process of connecting to Self, or being in Self, and then letting the firefighters know that you're there and listening. Sometimes once they are heard they will begin to let those feelings come through in a way that's less disruptive to you. It's not for everyone, but I had some very positive responses to IFS and I know some of the other members on here did as well if you're interested in checking it out.

Thanks for sharing and hope it's better today.

dolly

[Larry]

thank oyu,  I am going to read about IFS, 

[Larry]

I had a good day at work,  had a few drinks on the way home,  4 drinks,  having another now.  I have been less depressed lately,  but i don't like counting drinks everyday.  or actively trying not to drink so much.  I just want to be able to have a few,  or not,  and not worry about it.  Monday is session number 2.  starting to feel some anxiety.  I was so hopeful about therapy,  but i really have just begun,  i know i need to give it a chance. 

[dollyvee]

HI Larry,

Hope you're doing ok and sending you some support. I understand that this way of doing things feels good and safe. It is really anxiety inducing to talk about some of this stuff with other people and wanted to say that you are in control with your T. You don't have to share  anything that you don't want to and that they're there to listen when you feel ready. It's up to you. Also, sometimes Ts aren't a good fit. That can choose the best T for you ie someone that specializes in trauma and alcohol etc. I was seeing a therapist before who kept forgetting that my dad committed suicide and I realized that this wasn't the T for me. I didn't know for a good while that I could interview people and I had a right to  choose.

Hope it goes well with the T 

dolly

[dollyvee]

Hi Larry,

Just wanted to stop by and say I hope you're well and ok with whatever happened with the T and whatever you decided to do.

dolly

[Larry]

Thank you Dolly,  I have a session tomorrow.  typing this is causing so much anxiety.  I know it is going to be tough and painful before it gets better.  But i also know things will be even worse if i don't go.  Last few days have been ok,  Last night i drank so much,  just couldn't stop.  I walked home,  fell in some bushes and lost my sandals.  Just got home from work,  hopefully no drinking today. 

[dollyvee]

I get that and you can wholly do it    To me the tough part was letting go of all the illusions I had about my life and family and the unknown of what's on the other side, but in that is the potential to create your life in the way that you want to see it.

Hope it goes well 

I also wanted to say that I didn't see your other posts and what you were feeling before I mentioned about my father.

dolly

[Larry]

I really appreciate the support !  I didn't drink at all yesterday,  session in 3 hours.  I don't really know what to expect.  kind of just want it to be over. 

[Armee]

Thinking of you Larry. Just keep showing up. The rest will unfold.

[dollyvee]

I get that and you're being there for yourself and your younger self by going. It's not easy and can be messy, at least for me. I remember when I was in therapy about 15 years ago that I didn't really get it. I think I was just scared that there was something wrong with me and had so much fear (from years of conditioning by my family) that I didn't know any better or what was going to happen. It wasn't until 5 years ago that it finally clicked what he said about narcissism and my family  and I began really learning about it. Someone recommended the cptsd/Pete Walker book and slowly it started to make sense. I think it takes time. It's great that you're giving yourself that chance.

[rainydiary]

Larry, I appreciate your updates.  I hope you keep finding your way one step at a time. 

[Larry]

session was reschduled for this friday.  not sure what to do today,  i need to get outside !