Learning to heal, Larry's journey

[dollyvee]

Hi Larry,

I'm glad you're feeling in a better place. My own thoughts about your t (and just my opinion) is that given your s****** attempt and thoughts, they were probably very concerned about what might happen if you didn't get all the help you could. Perhaps the feelings of being put down and lesser than are coming from another time/ person/situation earlier in life?

It's great progress that you've managed to cut back to two drinks - or just cut back if you want to.

Sending you support,
dolly

[sanmagic7]

i agree with rainy - our minds and bodies have been storage vats for trauma and all things related.  it can be truly difficult to be able to pick and choose what the trigger is related to.  i think that's where working on ourselves, whatever form that takes, can be helpful.  the more we get to know ourselves, the more we're able to recognize what's going on with us.  best with this, larry.  love and hugs

[Larry]

thank you san, dolly and rainy,   i am so glad to have all of you here,   

[Larry]

i don't know why,  but i feel a little depressed today.  it is so confusing,  i feel like i need to make some changes,  but i have no idea what to change. 

[Armee]

That's an important voice to start to listen to. You don't need to figure it all out yet, just listen and observe it. This whole process of feeling better after a life of ignoring and suppressing takes a long time. Just noticing things...like noticing you feel depressed right now or feel like you need to make a change...that's big progress that leads eventually to bigger progress.

[Larry]

i think i have been dissociating a lot the last few days,   not sure what i have been doing,  just feel a little out of touch.    i really just want to get some sleep. 

[dollyvee]

Hi Larry,

Congrats! This sounds like a big step in recognizing what's going on internally and identifying the emotions that are coming up which maybe you hadn't looked at before. Maybe other things will come up too and you might begin to see what you need in order to feel safe and secure ie: more space, more support etc.

dolly

[rainydiary]

Larry, I am learning how we don't have to manage and deal with everything on our own.  We have the hard job of learning to care and love ourselves in ways we didn't get before.  As we show ourselves more love and care and understanding, we can begin to see ways others may help us even just by being there when we are at low points.  I value you very much and appreciate that you are in my community. 

[Larry]

 

[sanmagic7]

hey, larry,

that's the thing about recovery - it doesn't always go in a straight line.  we can go along feeling pretty good, then a big dip.  know that those low points will pass.  i think you're doing really well.  love and hugs

[Larry]

all of you really make me feel better.     i am not going to give up.   yesterday i couldn't say that.   everyone here is so supportive and inspiring.    i love all of you !

[Larry]

sunday night....    feeling lost and confused,  but doing ok.     i have been drinking a little more than i would like.    i just don't know how to replace what alcohol does for me.    i haven't had a session in 4  or 5 weeks.     i think i should try again.    it was hard and painful,  but i think it helped.    i just don't know what to do.      i want to just leave everything behind me and move on,  but it doesn't seem to work like that.

[Armee]

I'm glad to hear from you...I've been worried about you, a little.

Can I ask...

You keep saying maybe you will try therapy again but then you don't contact your T....what do you think stops you from taking that step...of actually scheduling an appointment? There's lots of good reasons to not want to do that, I'm just curious what your reason is right now?

Once when I was in running away mode...I was going to therapy but avoiding the trauma parts, just trying to find ways to beat myself into trying to keep helping my mom despite everything. I was doing everything to avoid facing the traumas. Finally T texted me saying I could keep running, I could keep staying busy cleaning the house and working and doing everything else, keep playing piano until I'd crash at 2am, but eventually...I was going to get tired and I was going to need to stop running away. I was still pretending like I didn't know what he was talking about, I wasn't running away or avoiding, there was no trauma. He said that probably about 2 years ago. I finally have stopped running. I'm standing still. It took me 43 years and I'm just too exhausted to keep avoiding it. I tried to sweep it all under the rug, pretend everything was OK, move on, deal with it on my own, etc. I cannot anymore. 

You, too, you will get tired.

My biggest regret in life is that I waited so long to get help. I had no idea I could feel so good and be so peaceful and happy. I can't believe I wasted so many decades being not ok. Makes me sad.

But therapy is scary and threatening too. There has to be some part of you that wants to keep fighting to get better for it to work, to keep showing up no matter how hard, scary, and uncomfortable it is. No one else can make you want to go. 

[dollyvee]

Hi Armee & Larry,

I don't want to hijack Larry's journal but wanted to say that this is a good question, not an easy one, and something I struggled with too. For me, I was already in therapy, but looking back, was so gaslit and/or afraid of being without them that I didn't know how to really help myself. It took 10 years before I began to look at the fact that my past t had mentioned that my m was a narcissist, and it was another couple years before it sunk in that what happened was actually abuse. Somewhere inside I always believed I was the bad one or doing something wrong, and I think that's a big impediment to getting better.

Anyways, I too am glad you're still on the forum and getting help Larry. It's not an easy path and it's also never a straight line.

dolly 

[Larry]

thank you both,  i really don't know what is stopping me from making that appointment.    i feel stuck right now and i don't know what i want or need.