Learning to heal, Larry's journey

[Larry]

i am feeling muvh better this morning.   thank you dolly and armee for being here

[Armee]

Excellent! So glad to hear it! Now would be a great time to do something healthy for yourself.

[Larry]

sounds like a great idea,   i think i will go to the gym,  i usually feel good after a gym session.   

[dollyvee]

Hi Larry,

I just wanted to say that I remember when you first talked about wanting to join a gym and now not only have you done it, but found something that is healthy and makes you feel good. Sounds like good progress to me 

dolly

[Larry]

   i really enjoy going to the gym,  i missed a cross fit class this morning,   i really wanted to go today,  but i drank too much last night.   going to go on thursday.   might try to go to a yoga class tomorrow morning.  i realy need to go a few days without drinking.  i always feel better when i don't drink.   maybe i can get through this day without any alcohol. 

[Armee]

 

We are here rooting for you! Ready to celebrate or comfort.

[Larry]

i don't know why,  but i push people away when they get close.  my wife is getting tired of me.  i love her,  but i don't show it very well.   we spend a lot of time apart.   she doesn't like it when i come home drunk,  and we sleep in different rooms because i  kick and scream in my sleep,  when i sleep.   i don't know how to change ,   i just want to be normal.   i know that will never happen,  thanks dad

[rainydiary]

Hello Larry, I am sorry to hear about the painful thoughts, feelings, and questions coming up. 

[Larry]

seems like theese things always come up when i am drinking.  i really need to slow down.  i  had 6 drinks yesterday,  going to try not to drink at all today. 

[sanmagic7]

good luck with not drinking for a day.  i feel similar to you in that i feel better since i quit drinking.  it's a tough one.  alcohol is a great painkiller.  hopefully as you continue to recover, you won't need it.  sending love and a hug filled with a bushel of doing what makes you feel better.

[Larry]

i made it to cross fit class today,  great way to staart the day.  i only had 3 drinks yesterday.   not sure what to do with the rest of the day,  but i feel pretty good right now. 

[Armee]

That's really awesome Larry! Keep it up with taking care of yourself when you can.

[Larry]

Last night....  not sure why i let it happen again,  got blackout drunk,  stayed until closing time.  started walking home,  about 2.5 miles.   almost made it there when police stopped me.  they were really nice and gave me a ride home.   i am trying not to be hard on myself,  i have been drinking more than i would like,  but i really over drank last night.   today was a little better,  i had 4 drinks after work.  i am home now.  i need to stay here and not drink anymore.   it is hard ,  but i am trying.   i really want to start therapy again.   just when i think i can do it on my own,  i have a night like last night.   
still kicking and yelling,  sometimes crying in my sleep.   i really don't know what that is about,  but my wife doesn't like it at all.    how do i even begin to stop doing that?   

[Armee]

The only way out Larry is to get help. It can't be done alone, IMO. You have to want to get better so much so that you are willing to get help, from your T, from a support group of some sort, maybe from your wife, maybe not.

Will power is no match for trauma because it isn't an issue of will power in the first place. It's an injury that is too deep to heal without help.

I don't know what your personal motivation is, mine was strong enough to keep me going to therapy even when it absolutely sucked. I didn't want to be like my mom and I wanted to be the best mom possible for my kids. Now I'm recovered enough that I can be my own motivation...wanting to get better for myself.

I'm glad the police helped you out last night.

[Larry]

i know you are right,   i am going to call my T on monday,   i really don't like the way things are going.    I was numb to emotions for so long.  now i just can't control them.    i really would like to find a support group.   there is nothing where i live,  maybe i could try something online.