Learning to heal, Larry's journey

[Larry]

  thank you armee !

[dollyvee]

Hi Larry,

I'm sorry things are tough in your relationship right now. I think when we go through emotional changes it often changes our relationships too because we are changing and sometimes people have a difficult time adjusting to what's going on, or maybe both have expectations about what they want/need that aren't being met and they have to reorient. That person that they knew and were used to maybe isn't there anymore and they don't understand why. Not that that is your fault, you should be able to grow and change, but perhaps it takes understanding on both sides and to talk it out about what you need/can and can't do. Sometimes when one partner is starting to change the other might resist it as well because they were quite happy with how things were and it forces them to look at their own areas they need to grow in which maybe they also have a hard time with.

dolly

[Larry]

today has been good,  but last night,  i drank way too much.  i don't know why,  but i go into a really dark place when i over drink.  i feel lost, hopeless , broken,  sometimes i start crying,  i need help.   i know i need to stop,  i am afraid to try.   i think i am afraid of what might happen if i try to stop.   i know it doesn't make sense.   
i did not drink today.   i really hope tomorrow is a good day.   

[Armee]

It makes absolute sense to any of us and to any trauma therapist, Larry. Drinking, self harm, drugs, risk taking they all play a role in keeping us safe until we are ready to heal and cope in other ways.

[dollyvee]

Hi Larry,

I agree too that it does make sense that you're afraid of what might happen if you try to stop. Before we start processing trauma, a part of us is still looking at the world the way we did as a child when those things happened and our brains still imagine that we have the resources we did as a child, and had to manage with those, which often weren't sufficient.  But they were the best way we knew how. If we can bring our minds to see that we are adults and look at the ways in which we actually are resourceful, we can create a bit of distance and see that those things actually don't affect us in the same way. Not that what happened isn't relevant and our feelings aren't relevant but that we are now different people.

I don't know if it's helpful for you but I watched this today. I'm learning that there's a lot of addiction in my family on both sides with some being more socially acceptable than others - alcohol, prescription meds, work, sugar, eating. I do feel like I have my own problems with sugar and am looking into managing my dopamine.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQ40hNdZmfQ

edit: I do know that this video is essentially selling an app. It's more explanation of the mechanism of reward and to try and shift the attention while you are doing the thing and maybe what it actually feels like now that I think is interesting. 

Hang in there, you're doing good work. Sending you support, dolly

[Larry]

thank you armee and dolly     it is really nice to have input from someone that understands...   

[sanmagic7]

i agree with them, larry.  we cope the way we know how just to survive till the next day.  when those coping mechanisms stop working is when we find a different way.  one thing i learned a long time ago is that when we go thru the fear, what we find on the other side is a stronger version of ourselves.  keep going, ok?  love and hugs

[Larry]

  thank you sanmagic,   
today was good,  worked all day.  just relaxing at home.  i had 4 rinks today,  i am happy with that.  maybe tomorrow....

[rainydiary]

 

[Larry]

The last few days have been good,  i have been drinking much less.   I still haven't found a replacement,  probably never will.   It is scary when things go well.  I hope it can stay this way.   I really don't like the dark days.    I'm sure nobody does.   I feel bad for not supporting others that are dealing with their own issues.   I really want to make an effort to do better.   

[rainydiary]

Hi Larry, my perspective is that you being here and being part of our group is a wonderful thing. 

[Armee]

I agree with Rainy. And I also firmly believe without a doubt that you will come to a point when you do not need alcohol to cope and numb, as long as you keep going.

[Larry]

i had a good but dull kind of day.    did some things around the house.   I get lonely,  but i don't always know how to act around people.   Not sure what to do tomorrow,  it has been windy,  i will not be working for another 3 or 4 days.    i really like working and staying busy.   

[sanmagic7]

staying busy can be a wonderful distraction, larry.  i'm hoping you're also finding some time and energy for healing and self-care.  love and hugs

[dollyvee]

Hi Larry,

Glad you're doing good. It sounds like you have some time to spend with yourself and find out what you like doing. I remember my second T telling me that a lot of life is mundane and not the thrill ride I guess I was expecting or had learned. Growing up in my family was never mundane and there was so much dysfunction and emotional disregulation and I think it took me some time to get used to life not having to be like that. That peace and quiet can feel good, and that I have a right to have my life like that.

I love the wind! Hope work goes well. 

dolly