Learning to heal, Larry's journey

[owl25]

Trying not to feel is understandable, when it all feels like it's too much. Good for you on having started therapy. I hope it goes well for you on Friday. 

[Larry]

thank you !  My T wants me to take lexapro,  i don't think i can do that,  but i do need to limit the drinking.  i had a bottle of wine tonight,  maybe tomorrow i can do better.   

[dollyvee]

Hope the reading and the night went well Larry.

It sounds like you're finding things to do to keep busy. It's tough because when we're on our own is when our thoughts have a chance to catch up with us. Even though we try, I don't think we can keep the thoughts out forever, but can learn to manage them and even when sober. You've probably been through a lot and it's understandable that you don't want to revisit those places. You've already done the hard part though by living through it and coming out the other side. It's really strong to be able to do that.

Sending support for today! I just saw this morning that a new plant I rescued has a new leaf. Hope your new plants are happy in their new home.

[Larry]

thank you Dolly !  I just checked on the new plants.  they look great,  we had some rain last night,  the garden is looking good as well.  I feel pretty good this morning.  I managed to get a little sleep last night.  going to have some coffee ,  and see where the day goes.

[Armee]

I hope you have a great day Larry, full of the things that make you feel good.

[Larry]

thank you armee !   hoping you have a great day as well !! 

[Larry]

today was fun !  that hasn't happened in a while.  spent the day woth a friend,  i don't have many of those.  we did have some drinks,  i'm home now,  2nd session is tomorrow.  i'm kind of scared that i will end up really drunk tonight.  i just don't want to feel the anxiety.  i don't know what to expect tomorrow.  i will probably get emotional,  i don't like that.   emotions have been so out of control since an EF 3 months ago.  the T wants me to take lexapro,  she asked me to go to gp and get it.  i didn't .  just so scared of meds.  so scared of everything right now.

[rainydiary]

Larry, I'm glad that you had an enjoyable day.  When I read your posts, I see how hard you are working to find what works for you.  This post reminded me of a section in Pete Walker's book that I just re-read about how we may become overtaken by attempts at perfection.  I appreciate how he suggests we become self-champions.  I hope that you will keep taking each step and find what helps you be a self-champion. 

[owl25]

I'm glad you had some fun today  Fun is important for our well-being.

I'm sorry the anxiety gets so bad for you. My go to is to distract with Netflix. Is there anything that can provide the part of you that is so scared some comfort?

It's okay that you didn't get the medication. You can talk about your fear with your T tomorrow. You don't have to do anything you're not ready to do yet.

[dollyvee]

Hi Larry,

Hope the session goes well today and your T should be open to other means than medication. I can understand why it's scary for you to go when you think that they don't get you or why you're scared of it. Maybe you can reach out to your fear parts a little bit and let them know that you're there and listening, and that you're an adult now in charge.

Garden sounds lovely. Plants have always brought me a lot of calm.

dolly

[Larry]

thank you both,  session is in an hour from now,  i am trying to stay calm.  i downloaded pete walker's book,  been reading it.  really just want this session to be over with !

[owl25]

How did it go today, Larry?

[Larry]

it went great,  my T did not want to start trama work,  she is getting married today and taking a week off,  next session in 2 weeks.  we did a few emdr exercises,  she had me put feelings and emotions in a safe place for now so we can come back and deal with them later.  felt wierd,  when i left,  i felt like i didn't get anything out of that session.  Later at happy hour,  i noticed i had no anxiety at all,  no hypervigilance,  i was happy !  i felt so comfortable ! 
I also realised my overdrinking has not been a way to cope,  i really thin it has been a self harm thing.   i have been doing a lot of self harm things ,  i am so glad i finally recognised that.  i think just knowing will help me control it

[rainydiary]

Larry, thank you for the update.  I hope you continue to notice your experience and find things that feel supportive.

[Not Alone]

Putting your emotions in a safe place seems like wisdom since your T will be gone for two weeks. I have attempted to do that for myself at times. If they (feelings) start to escape the safe place, you can always put them back again. No shame or blame if that happens.