Learning to heal, Larry's journey

[Papa Coco]

Larry,

I'm a recovering alcoholic. I quit to save my marriage and to support my son who was also quitting to save his marriage at the same time.

For years I said, "I drink but I don't really have a problem." Meanwhile, as I was claiming alcohol wasn't a problem, I was dealing with all the gifts that alcoholism could give me: For example: Alcohol is a depressant. (That's why people say it calms them when the truth is that it's actually depressing them). Secondly, since alcohol is so rapidly metabolized in our systems, my body had to wash it out of my system during REM sleep. Meaning: Every darn morning at about 2 am I'd wake up shaking, my heart pounding, and my body covered in sweat. My liver couldn't detoxify ANOTHER night of drinking after a thousand other nights of drinking.  (Actually, a thousand nights is only 3 years. I guess it was after several thousand nights of drinking, lol) The way it was waking me up shaking and sweating was called Rebound Alertness. One of the great things about quitting is that I no longer have Rebound Alertness OR insomnia. I don't always sleep for 8 full hours, but the sleep I get is so much better than it was during the last few years that I drank.

I wasn't moving forward in my healing from trauma. The booze was just leaving me stuck in that very same spot.

On Mother's Day 2014 I drank my last bottle of wine with my wife and that was the end of it. The next morning, knowing I had been "quitting drinking" over and over again on my own, I quit minimizing my problem, admitted I couldn't quit on my own, put myself on vacation at work, and then drove to the recovery center and signed myself up for outpatient treatment, 3 hours per day, 5 days a week, for 5 weeks.

That's where I learned all about how my sleep disorders, digestive issues, and high blood pressure were ALL due to the toxins in alcohol. I learned all about the cancers that alcohol causes, the brittle bone issues, and the even MORE damage it does to friendships, marriages, father/son relationships...etc. 

At the time that I quit I was drinking 2 vodka martinis a day, plus part of a third one. I drank 2.5 drinks a day, for 20 years and this was how badly the toxins were hurting me. Not long after my last drink, I lost the taste for it pretty quickly, so it's not, in any way, a torture to not drink today. In fact, it feels absolutely amazing to be able to get along without booze.

I'm only telling you about my own experiences with alcoholism. My wife only drinks a glass of wine every so many months. She was never an alcoholic, but she's in her upper fifties now and has noticed that even a single drink takes away her ability to sleep at night, so she just doesn't like doing it very often.

I'm so sorry that your wife drinks so heavily while you're trying to quit. That's a hurdle I don't know how to overcome. I got lucky, in that I was the drunk in my house, so I only had myself to deal with. Hard to say how things would have turned out for me if my wife was a heavy drinker too. Maybe if you contact some AA groups, you could ask around for advice on how to deal with your marital situation. I know that a LOT of people in AA are in your shoes too. They'd be better to answer your concerns about how to quit drinking while your wife keeps drinking. Or maybe...she'll go to an AA meeting with you?

I finally quit drinking 8 years ago. I've been glad about that ever since. But no way could I do it on my own. I needed treatment, and a good year or two of AA meetings where I got to see thousands of recovering alcoholics getting up and talking about how thankful they are to be free from the toxins in alcohol.

I hope the best for you Larry. I hope you are able to find someone who can help you with the situation that you are trying to quit while your wife is still an active drinker.

[Larry]

thank you rainy for being here,    i really appreciate your support,   it really means a lot to me.
thank you papa,  i know how right you are.    i have such a hard time sleeping,      and i know alcohol doesn't help.     sometimes i can go a day or 2 without a drink.    i had a few today,   maybe 6 or 7 drinks.     i hate it.     i just want a few more.    i don't want to feel emotions.    i really hate them.    i didn't feel them for so long.   they are still kind of new to me.    i am really dissapointed with myself.    i want to be strong.    i feel like i have given up or let myself down.   i think i am trying.   maybe not trying hard enough

[dollyvee]

Hi Larry,

I hope you're doing better and wanted to say that I'm here to listen when you get help if you want to talk.

Sending you support,
dolly 

[Armee]

I think you are trying Larry, really hard. I learned the hard way that trying hard to heal trauma on my own just made me exhausted and worse off. I can't see how it's possible to heal alone no matter how hard you try or want to feel better.

[Larry]

I feel like I am finally accepting that i can not heal alone.   sometimes i think i can,  then bad things happen.   I drank way too much last night,  and rode my motorcycle home from the bar.   I will probably not be welcome there again.   I am so tired of this pattern.
today i did not drink at all.   sitting home by myself,   my wife is passed out.   it has been a depressing day.   

[Armee]

I'm so sorry, Larry.

[rainydiary]

Larry, I appreciate you sharing what is going on.  We all need each other.  The hard part is finding people we trust and allowing ourselves to trust that others can help.  I am thinking of you.

[milkandhoney11]

Just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you, Larry. Life can be really hard sometimes and seeking the support we need when we need it takes courage and strength. I hope that you can find someone who will really help you heal. You are strong and I know that you can make it, just be gentle with yourself.
It's a long and difficult process that can have a lot of setbacks, but we're here for you if you want to talk
Take care

[Larry]

I really appreciate all of you.  I'm sorry for not always returning the support.   i feel really selfish for that.    I am going to do better. 
I'm not working today,   the dogs had breakfast.   I am depressed.  I need to find friends.   I am going to try to go to the gym today.   
going to do my best to not drink today.   I really want to go  10 days.  this is only day 2 and it just started.   fingers crossed....

[Armee]

I'm glad you are here and that you check in. The gym will be nice today.

[Larry]

i have been doing ok,   a few bad days ,  but mostly good,   my wife went 3 weeks without a drink.   what a difference.   last night she had a few,   and she drank all day today.     sometimes i don't want to come home.  I really want to try therapy again with a different therapist.   maybe i will call tomorrow.    I really want christmas to be over.   I think that will help.    I really just want to feel normal,  like everyone else.   I really think I am going to try to just block everything out again.   I know that isn't the answer,  but it worked for so long.    I just can not control emotions.   they are killing me right now.   

[sanmagic7]

 

[rainydiary]

Hi Larry, I am thinking of you.

[Armee]

 

That sounds really tough, Larry.

[Hope67]

Hi Larry,
I'm so sorry to hear that you've got those tough emotions going on.  I hope that you feel a bit better at some points in the day - and hopefully for longer too.  Sending you a hug of support, if that's ok    Also some sunshine to brighten things up - as you made me smile when you gave me some sunshine before, and I hope to bring some sunshine to you 
Hope