Learning to heal, Larry's journey

[Larry]

trying to find something to do today to stay busy.  going to make myself go to the gym,  not sure what to do after that....

[Moondance]

 

[Larry]

the gym was niced,  really helped,  My wife has stopped binge drinking,  the whole thing with me getting drunk,  eating sleeping pills and getting baker acted really scared her.  i hope we can turn things around.  I need to find some support.  might try aa,  not my thing but just need support.  I have looked for on line groups ,  just haven't found anything.  makes me want to start a support group in my area

[Armee]

Good luck finding something that will help you, Larry. 

[Moondance]

I hope you find supportive and safe people Larry.

 

[Larry]

thank you  ,  the last few days have been pretty good,  today is day 6 without drinking.  i don't like to drink,  and i don't seem to be addicted,  i don't get withdrawals,  and i feel good.  i have a busy week ahead,  and 2 sessions coming soon.  i feel really positive today,  i hope i can keep it going

[dollyvee]

Hi Larry,

You're an internet friend and I'm genuinely concerned about how things turn out for you. I've been reading your posts and struggles for around two years now. It's with the utmost sincerity and care that I say, from an outside perspective, that maybe you are in denial about having an addiction and being an alcoholic? Your posts over the last two years are a cycle of wanting to get clean and not drink, and then falling into trouble from drinking too much. I don't think you are a bad person for doing this, or that there is anything wrong with you, but I wonder if you're going to find the happiness you want if you're not completely honest with yourself about what's going on, or before something does go seriously wrong.

Again, I'm just an anonymous stranger on the internet and very much not a doctor, clinician, or anyone able to prescribe a diagnosis. These are just my observations. I hope you're able to find the help that you need and the courage to follow through with that help.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Larry]

thank you dolly,  i know you are right,  i need to wake up,  alcohol has been a way of coping for too long,  i ight go to an aa meeting,  i know a few people that have offered to go with me.  tomorrow will be day 8,  i think i can do this,  but i still need to find a healthy way to cope.  i think i need more than just therapy.  i  over dosed last weekend,  was baker acted,  it was awful,  but it was the wake up call i think i needed.  i appreciate the support from everyone here,  i really need it right now.

[Moondance]

 

Sending you positive and caring thoughts Larry

[Armee]

We are here to support you where you are at. You might be right you aren't addicted per se. But using it to cope, which has its own cycle Dolly pointed out and it's own damage. One day you'll be ready for the help that is there whether it is consistent therapy, AA, or something else. For now I'm proud of those good stretches you give yourself at the gym, not drinking etc.

[Larry]

I have an appointment with a doctor in a few weeks,  i am willing to try meds,  i want to be done with self medicating.  today is day 8,  i don't want to go back to day 1 .   I really appreciate everyone here.  i don't know where else to turn to for support.   

[Papa Coco]

Larry,

I don't like trying to tell other people how to live their lives. So I don't. But I do feel like it's good for me to share my experiences just so I can let people see if what worked for me might work for them. What you do with my personal booze report below is totally up to you. I have deep respect for you, and I just want to share how my experience with booze was, in case anything I say resonates with you.

---

I understand being addicted to alcohol without it being a genetic physical addiction. I was like that for many years. I could stop drinking for weeks at a time and never have withdrawals, because my body really didn't process alcohol the way genetic alcoholics' bodies do. That being said, however, behavioral addictions do the same damage to our bodies and families as chemical addictions do. I couldn't stop drinking on my own. It was mental weakness for me, not withdrawals. When my son was put into rehab, I didn't want to be drinking when he came out, so I put myself through outpatient rehab. 3 hours a day, 5 days a week, 5 weeks. They kept calling me a liar because I wasn't having any withdrawals or even craving any more drinks. They had to call me a liar, because almost everyone I was in treatment with WAS a liar. It's part of their business. LOL.

The rehab was really important to me because it really helped me understand how much damage the booze was doing to my body and family. I learned that daily consumption of excessive alcohol was killing my liver. I couldn't sleep a whole night. I'd wake up at 1-3 AM every morning, sweating like I was in a shower. Heart racing. Alcohol processes through the liver during the hours of about 1-3 am every day. Like it knows our sleep rhythm or something. Daily use of alcohol causes cancer, bone density loss, immune system weaknesses, etc, etc, etc. This is whether I was a chemical addict or just a behavioral addict. The booze does the same damage to us whether we're physically addicted or not.

Addiction can be serious even when there is no chemical addiction. Gambling, Cannabis, Internet porn, Shopping, Thrill seeking. There are hundreds of addictions we can become controlled by that have no physical addictive qualities. It's all about how emotionally addicted we are to where we get our dopamine hits in the brain.

I know how incredibly hard it is to stop any addiction. Smoking was the worst for me. Alcohol was second worst. Smoking gave me weeks of horrible withdrawals. Alcohol: Not even one minute of physical withdrawal. However, since I quit, I now sleep through the night. I don't sweat like I'm swimming anymore. I don't refuse offers to do things at night anymore. I used to refuse to go anywhere or see anyone at night because at 5;00 I started pouring. And, whether I was chemically addicted or not, I really wanted to pour and sip and guzzle and forget how miserable I was. 

Looking back, I can also say that as long as an addiction is medicating us, no real help can be given to us. Quitting self-medicating, opened up my brain to receive proper support from proper places for my CPTSD. During the years I drank, I was on pause. No healing. No forward motion. Once I quit drinking, I was able to start moving forward again in my healing.

My heart really reaches out to you, Larry. I KNOW how hard it is to be where you are, and I know how wonderful it is to finally put drinking in the past. I know I can't drink again. My addiction was not true alcoholism, it was addictive behaviors that let me drink the poison even though I didn't physically need it. The poison went into my body, whether I was chemically addicted or just behaviorally addicted. Same poison. Same damage.

I can't drink again. I know that the ONLY drink I can say no to is the first one. So I don't have the first one.

I'm pulling for you my friend.

[Larry]

wow,  thank you so much PC,  that makes so much sense,  i always thought i wasnt addicted because i do not get physical withdrawal.  I really want to break the pattern i have been in,  i want to,  i hope i can do it.  i need to work on so many things,  and alcohol is delaying the healing i need.  i don't know why i never saw that before. 
Thank you armee and moondance for your support,  and thank you dolly,   
sometimes it is hard to imagine never having another drink,  i am going to try ,  tomorrow is day 9,  maybe some meds wil help.  i have a session next monday,  and im trying to get an appointment with a doctor,  I feel like things are going to get really difficult,  but i know this is what i need.

[dollyvee]

I'm really glad to hear that you have people around you that are willing to go to an AA meeting with you. It does sound like you have supportive people in your life even if it may not feel that way at times. I sincerely hope that you can take them up on that offer even if you find AA might not be the best fit eventually. However, you might also meet people who are/were in a very similar situation to where you are right now, and that might be the help you need. I'm also not in your shoes going through this, but I can imagine that taking that step and facing these things must feel like the hardest thing you've probably ever had to do.

I hope that you don't have to go back to day 1 either, and even if you do, it doesn't mean that you are a bad person for doing so.

Sending you support,
dolly 

[Larry]

thank you dolly !   i feel good today,  actually got some sleep last night.  hoping to have a good day.