Learning to heal, Larry's journey

[Larry]

thank you ,  i only had 2 drinks today.  i think i have been doing better at controlling things.  not sure what happened last night. 

[Armee]

I'm happy for you that today went better, Larry. I hope at some point you are able to let your wife see how hard you are trying. I think in her shoes I'd feel a lot better knowing you were taking steps to get better. Until then I wish you lots of luck in keeping things stable so you can lean on her support.

[Larry]

thankk you armee,  My T said the same thing.  but she said we can do it in time,  i got a little sleep last night,  having some coffee this morning.  i have to work  today.  next session is a week from tomorrow.  not sure why i am so fixed on that.

[rainydiary]

Larry, I appreciate how hard you are working.  For me a huge downfall of what I learned growing up is that I don't accept that I am an imperfect human.  You are doing what you can right now and I think that is wonderful. 

[Armee]

It is so so so normal to be fixated on the next appointment or the therapist.  Totally normal. No worries about that just let it be there.

[Larry]

both of you and everyone else here is so amazing.  i feel like with so much support i can do this .  i am in a much better place now than i was just 3 months ago.  i could  not have made so much improvements without all of you !

[Not Alone]

next session is a week from tomorrow.  not sure why i am so fixed on that.

I used to (and still at times) count the days until my next session. It's a bit like swimming under water and then you have a chance to come up for air. I told my previous therapist how much I focused on the next upcoming session. He said that I had been carrying things for so long and I was finally being heard, believed, and receiving care. It made sense that I would look forward to that. Even now, the day of my session feels like the anchor to my week.

[Larry]

thank you notalone,  it does feel nice to be heard and understood. 
not much to do today.  i only had 3 drinks yesterday,  didn't get much sleep.  had a nightmare,  woke up at 2 am and could not go back to sleep.  drinking a lot of coffee today.  not sure what will happen this evening,  i just hope i can stay sober and positive.  My wife is getting tired of me screaming in the middle of the night.  we are sleeping in different rooms now.  i have been yelling bad words in my sleep.  and kicking violently for 3 or 4 months now. 

[Armee]

I'm sorry nights have been so very tough Larry. There's a lot your brain seems to be trying to work through. Take good care of yourself, you do deserve it and things can get less distressing. Make sure your T knows about the nightmares and insomnia and screaming.

[Larry]

i will,  thank you armee,    not ready for the next session,  but i know i have to do this.  trying to stay calm and connected until then

[Blueberry]

It is so so so normal to be fixated on the next appointment or the therapist.  Totally normal. No worries about that just let it be there.

Totally.

Good to hear that you feel in a better place than just 3 months ago. Forward steps, way to go! 

[Larry]

thank you blueberry !

[dollyvee]

Hi Larry,

I appreciate what you're going through and thanks for sharing. Nightmares are scary, sending you some support. Hope it's going better today.

Like notalone said, well done for being in a better place than three months ago - congrats!

dolly

[sanmagic7]

hey, larry,

i can totally relate to having dreams where i am yelling and kicking/punching.  it sounds to me like you are processing some anger subconsciously which you may not be ready to consciously acknowledge it.  once i was able to realize and acknowledge some of my emotions surrounding situations, those dreams stopped.  i'm hoping the same happens for you.

as others have said, you're working hard on your crapola, and i give you a lot of credit for that.  we can only do what we can do, but the more we keep moving forward, the better that picture looks.  and, congrats on your march to sobriety.  i'm a recovering alcoholic (not saying you are, just that i've had my own battles with the bottle) and i support your efforts and struggles to get clear of that demon.  sending love and a hug filled with onward!  (if you're ok with that) 

[Larry]

thank you all for the support !   i had a few more drinks than i wanted to last night,  but i didn't get black out drunk,  sitting at the bar,  i don't really now what happend,  hypervigilance kicked in,  not sure if i was having an ef or just scared to death.  i did some grounding excercises,  also learned a new one,  holding an ice cube in my hand.  it seemed to work and brought me back to feeling safe and present.  i don't think anyone else noticed except one of the bartenders,  she thought i was drunk and acting wierd,  i had to explain to her that it was a cptsd thing.  everything was ok after that.
i had some crazy dreams,  but not a nightmare,