Learning to heal, Larry's journey

[Larry]

i really appreciate all o f the support,  it really helps.  i feel better this mornng,  not sure what to do with the day. 

[Armee]

 

Making it through the day deserves to be celebrated. I'm glad you are here.

[Larry]

thank you armee !   i am really trying to make the new year a better year.  i know it will happen.   i think i will give therapy another try.  just trying to take things slow,  i feel good today,  i don't like the days when depression takes over,  i really want to learn how to deal with that in a healthier way. 

[Armee]

You have the motivation, now it's just a matter of time and practice with the help of a good therapist. For me I used to get really frustrated because I'd think I was trying and wanted to get better and thought I was and then I'd get slammed back into the same symptoms over and over and over. But over time I've learned to see those moments where I'm taking two steps backward as another chance to practice what I have learned and to accept those moments. When I fought them and thought "I shouldn't be like this" or "I thought I was better" it would invariably make those backwards steps worse. It truly is just a process of taking a bunch of tiny shuffles forward, a couple giant falls backward, another tentative step forward and repeat. It's just that every once in awhile something huge clicks and you get to leap ahead so the next time you fall back it isn't to the same starting point.

You'll get there, it just takes a lot of hard work and patience and perseverance. Along the way lots of things improve though.

Good job. You got through the worst day and the new year will be a little better. Keep going.

[Larry]

    thank you so much for all the support armee !   i really needed to hear this.    i am so lucky to have everyone here. 

[woodsgnome]

Perhaps I missed it, but did you drop the T you'd previously mentioned? Therapy sometimes isn't close to fulfilling its promise, given that T's are so disparate in their approaches and in-person relationship with their clients. And the key to remember is -- it's always about the client, regardless of the T's pet approach -- so it helps if they're flexible, and definitely not full of themselves. I have one who's terrific, but it took quite a while to find her.

Regarding 'dealing' with the everyday depressive crashes, it takes a lot of practice, but acceptance helps. And I mean acceptance that the really bad things are done with, and live only in another time and place. Of course it's the awful memories try to hang on, and in most instances can't be wholly discarded.

What I try to do is imagine that I own a 2-screen movie theatre, running continuous shows. Show #1 is the old one, and I've let its imaginary equipment run down, don't clean it or update anything. The only patron left is those memories but I have some assistance there -- my new alternative theatre #2.

This second one is where I try to focus any new activity -- starting with a new, ongoing script. Unlike the first movie, run by others (the memories), in this theatre I write the script, produce and direct all aspects of the show, perform as the main character, and is constantly being updated. Sure, it's fantasy but the imagery works for me.

That's the place it appears you're at, Larry -- still setting up  the brand new, second movie you're now in charge of. You accept the old flick, sure; but it's over there, in rundown theatre #1.

Alright, just an example of how my mind functions with this. My inspiration for it comes from an old book's ("Taming the Gremlin") advice to "play with options". Play -- with your inner child .  It may not be the sort of thing everyone is drawn to. We're all so individual with our own quirks and attitudes. I just threw an example from my coping in here, hoping it might prove helpful.

There is optimism, though -- you seem well aware, and awareness is always the starting point. I hope you keep at it 

[Larry]

thank you so much woodsgnome,   that makes a lot of sense.   I haven't dropped my T,  just took a few weeks off.  the last session was dissappointing,  she talked about AA for an hour.  she just wants me to get as much support as possible.  i did have a few really productive sessions,  although they were painful and emotional.  i will give it another try.  maybe i will text her today and se what is available. 

[Larry]

monday....   worked this morning,  going to the gym this afternoon.  doing some work at the community theater this evening,  hopefully  that will keep me out of trouble. 

[dollyvee]

Hi Larry,

Hope you managed to find some comfort in keeping busy today.

dolly

[Larry]

thank you dolly,    i have been doing pretty good,  i hope i can keep it going !

[Hope67]

Hi Larry,
Your day sounded busy, and I'm glad to hear you've been doing pretty good.  That's great.   
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

you've got lots of support here to keep going and feeling good.  keep up the good work - i know it's tough to look inside ourselves at times.  kudos to you for showing such courage.  love and hugs

[Larry]

i am so thankful for all of the support from everyone,  i really need to try to give some support to others,   you are all amazing and appreciated !!

[Armee]

I love this place because we are fully accepted and able to be just as we are, unlike any other place in our life. Really. You are giving support just by being here and being you and open and honest.

[findingpeace2018]

Hi Larry,

I have been reading but not posting (that old fear...).  I just wanted to say your openess and honesty are so brave and inspiring (but I know it probably doesnt feel that way).  I struggle with similar issues too, and I know how hard they are....your writings helped lessen my shame, seeing someone so brave struggle too.  I hope to gain the courage to start my own Recovery Journal soon.

It seems you have had some good days lately.....I hope you are feeling better.  I could see more joy in your words the last few posts and was so happy!  You are working so hard and this is definitely the place to be supported and included.  Things will go up and down, but you will always get support here.  And without knowing it, some of us are encouraged just by your honesty and willingness to keep pushing on.  So thank you for sharing your story.

Finding Peace