scared

[Dante]

Hi Larry, thinking of you today.  I'm proud of you for having the courage to try to find a better way for yourself and for those that care about you.  You're not alone!

[Larry]

Thank you Dante !  I can't believe the day is here,  2 hours from now,  trying not to think about it too much.  But really need to get the first one over with !

[Armee]

Larry,

You got this! I'm proud of you and inspired by your courage and vulnerability.

[Larry]

Thank you Armee !!  The anxiety iss coming on,  i have to leave in about 30 minutes.  I am so thankful for all of the support from everyone !

[Kizzie]

Big group hug for you Larry  , we're here.

[Larry]

Thank you Kizzie !   I just got home,  the session went better than expected.  I fels comfortable even though my anxiety was sky high !   As I was leaving she said something like ,  don't worry,  I know how to help you.  That made me even more hopeful.  I haven't scheduled the next session yet,  trying to do this around my work schedule and without my wife knowing.  She suggested Lexapro,  but i don't think i am ready for meds. 

[Kizzie]

    So glad to hear it went well Larry 

[Not Alone]

As I was leaving she said something like ,  don't worry,  I know how to help you. 

Those are powerful and hopeful words.

[Larry]

that did make me feel a little better.  I'm sure she could tell i was confused and nervous when i was leaving

[Armee]

I love that she said that. I would love to hear someone say that to me right about now. Any sooner than now I may have felt like punching and kicking and screaming or disappearing though. It can be scary to be seen as vulnerable as we are. I am really just so impressed at how honest you are, Larry, with yourself and here.

[Larry]

Thank you Armee !  I have been living with this for so long,  i am ready to try to be normal !  I want to control my emotions,  i went several years without feeling them.  I was happy then,  I don't now why i am such a mess now.  I don't like being hypervigilant,  or feeling so much anxiety. I can't handle being around people.   I want to have fun !  I need to learn how to do that again.  things have been so hard , 

[Dante]

Hi Larry, I went a lot of years without feeling anything at all.  When I first started realizing that I had to deal with them, and that I had a problem with some of my self-medicating, the world unraveled.  I came completely apart.  Everything I'd bottled up my whole life just came out all at once and it was too much to put it all back.

I guess my point is, you're not alone.  Thawing is an incredibly painful experience, because everything unresolved all comes up at once instead of resolving things a little at a time like untraumatized people are able to do.

Hang in there.  It will get harder before it gets better, but don't quit.  It will get better.  It can get better, as long as you don't give up.

[Larry]

Thank you so much Dante !  I know i am just getting started,  it is going to be hard.  i really hope i can do this.  I am trying to limit my drining,  i'm sure it is making things worse.  I just don't know another way to escape

[Armee]

I was happy then,  I don't now why i am such a mess now.  I don't like being hypervigilant,  or feeling so much anxiety. I can't handle being around people.   I want to have fun !  I need to learn how to do that again.  things have been so hard ,

I think this is very very common for many of us Larry. I thought I was not just ok but like almost stronger than everyone else. Like I really really really had my sh*& together. Then a trigger in present day life popped up and set off just this avalanche. I still thought I was ok but really I wasn't. Not at all. It was just the numbness that made me think I was ok. Waiting for you at the end of this journey is being truly ok. Real joy and happiness and fun, not the fake kind. The kind you had before was the kind that came from shoving everything under the surface.

I heard a podcast with some expert on CPTSD who used a great analogy. She said that living with cPTSD is like going through life pushing giant beachballs under the surface of the water. For awhile you're treading water, you have the balls neatly submerged but then one starts to pop up to the surface and then more of them pop up to the surface, because CPTSD isn't just one trauma we are trying to keep below deck. Then you wrestle the beach balls back down below the surface and you eventually realize how flipping hard you've been having to work just to keep those balls below the surface.  All that effort sucks out energy and joy, Larry. There's no room left for that when you are working so hard to pretend to yourself and everyone else that things are ok. The alcohol is just a way to keep the balls hidden once they start to pop up to the surface. What? No balls here! Here's the podcast on youtube which starts around 6 min 30 sec after some ads. https://youtu.be/N28oHMMcUyY

I feel like where I am at right now is where I've just kind of said "all right hey well, there are some balls here I've been trying to keep under water, but um, here they are. Dear spouse, meet ball 1, 3, and 7. Ball 2 and 8 are still hidden to me and ball 4, 5, and 6 I'm not going to tell you about yet. But there's been this mess going on underneath for a long time and I'm too tired to keep it under the surface anymore. I need to just let go of the balls. Is that ok?"

[Larry]

Thank you Armee,  I am going to watch that video,  it is so nice to have support from people with similar experiences.  I want to get out of the house today.  I am bored and depressed,  I just don't know what to do.