scared

[Larry]

anyone here ? i am scared and alone.  i don't want bad things to happen.  i just need someone to talk too

[Larry]

I tried a hotline,  on hold forever,  my wife doesn't understnd,  I am tired of fighting,    nobody understaandes ,  I am so lost,   scared,  i don't know what to do,   

[Armee]

You're worth fighting for Larry. Hang on long enough. Your therapist will fight for you until you are strong enough to ask your wife to fight for you and she will fight for you until you are strong enough to fight for yourself. To win, you eventually have to fight for yourself. But not alone.

[dollyvee]

Hi Larry,

I just read your thread and we're here. Sorry that it's rough right now and that your wife doesn't understand but she might just need some time to understand what's happening. Bach's comment was spot on. Cptsd all leaves us feeling like terrible people on the inside and it's almost crushing when you realize that not everyone feels that way or had to go through this. You also have the Self part inside you that is removed from all these feelings that you can step back into.



dolly

[Larry]

Thank you armee and dolly,,   i don't know why i had such a bad time last night,  i called a hotline for help,  and was on hold for 20  minutes before i hang up.  i drank so much,  i think that is a big part of the problem. 

[Kizzie]

  We are here Larry so keep reaching out to us.

[Armee]

i drank so much,  i think that is a big part of the problem.

Just possibly another way to view this is the drinking is a symptom of the problem, and yes that symptom makes other symptoms worse. But what is underlying the drinking is the problem. And that's probably how you feel about yourself deep down because of what happened to you.

The hard part is we can't change what happened to us. The only thing we can change is how we view and treat ourselves. And that is hard and slow,  but do-able. It slowly slowly starts to sink in. There's no way to rush it. You have to absorb it into your bones day by day. I feel so encouraged that you found a T who seems to understand trauma and addiction and feels confident that she can help you! This is so wonderful, Larry. The start of feeling better, even though a lot it will feel worse, but it's the way you clean house...for a little bit it feels messier and you wonder what you just started but at the end you can see the big changes and feel lighter.

[Larry]

i am so thankfull for all of you,  i really need to take better care of myself.    i don't like the way i have been acting.  i almost feel like i am trying to loose control. 

[Not Alone]

Larry, I hear you and that you are feeling lost and scared.

I also have experienced calling a help line and being on hold for a long time.

i almost feel like i am trying to loose control. 

This statement struck me. It brought question to my mind, not necessarily for you to answer here, but to ask yourself, if it would be helpful.

If you were to picture "loosing control," what would that look like? What would happen in that scenario? What needs would somehow be met if you lost control?

[Armee]

That same part struck me, too...trying to loose control. And when you posed the question to Larry, Not Alone, some small part of me answered for myself and I don't know if it's helpful, Larry, but little me answered "then someone would finally come and help me."

I never lost control and no one helped me. But over the past few years I've slowly let my T know little pieces about how bad. Mostly my shame keeps it in, but when I let these little clues out, he helps me. I don't need to lose control to get his help, I just need to let him know: "I'm suffering. Things aren't ok."

I don't know if any of that is helpful to you, it's just what came to mind. Bye bye.

[Larry]

I don't know why i didn't notice this or understand what i was doing,  but you both are right.  Maybe I am doing bad things to try to get help.  I feel like i have so much work to do. 

[Larry]

anyone around to talk? 

[dollyvee]

Hey Larry, how are you?

[Larry]

i am ok,  at home and safe,  trying not to drink too much,  a little dissappointed my session was canceld,  i am trying to learn how to cope without drinking

[Larry]

it is 12 am here,  might go for a walk,  i just don't know what else to do