scared

[Larry]

I am really pissed off,  drinking heavy,   so scared i might hurt myself tonight.  i have lost hope,  i don't want to let everyone down.  i have found a lot of support here.  i don't think i am suicidal,  just feel the need to do harm.  i don't know why,  i know it won't help.  i don't know what else to do

[Armee]

About 6 months ago I made a huge leap in my therapy and healing. Prior to that moment when I would try to be kind to myself or have self compassion or more specifically when my T would tell me to do those things I would get very very strong compulsions to hurt myself instead and would have intrusive thoughts that I deserve to die. I didn't even think or want to do those things. They just came. I learned to ignore those thoughts and impulses. Eventually they simmered down. I don't why this happens but it is very common for us. I'm guessing deep down your progress feels threatening and what you are feeling and doing is a very normal response to that. Sleep, do yoga, binge on tv, distract yourself through Friday. When you feel like you don't want to drink find an alternate thing you do. Herbal tea or a shower maybe.

[Armee]

Oh and one important thing to add. You'll never disappoint us. We are here to support and accept and normalize because we all go through the same struggles.

[Larry]

thank you Armee,   i was having a really bad night,  i feel a little lost this morning,  but feel better. 

[Bach]

I think those feelings of fear, desperation and self-destructiveness are pretty natural when you're seeking to heal.  After spending your life thinking you are "normal" and that everyone lives with the same awful feelings that you have, it's really scary to discover that life isn't supposed to be that way and that there are real possibilities for change and for something better.  Even the idea of being happier or more content or more comfortable in your own skin is a scary thought, because what if you can't do it?  Or what if it's not actually real?  What if you invest your hopes and your energies just to be disappointed?  It's much easier to stay with the pain and discomfort that is familiar to you than it is to risk hoping for a more fulfilling life.  I'm glad you stayed in touch with yourself in that and posted it here, because what you are doing is good and right, and we all want to support you in it whether we can find the right things to say or not. 

[Larry]

Thank you Bach,   i really appreciate the support.  I am still learning about cptsd,  and all of the fun symtoms i have been enjoying. 

[Armee]

Bach said it perfectly.

[Dante]

Hi Larry, you're not alone.  I've written about how I've been struggling to recover from self-destructive behaviors for decades.  Still am.  Had a bad night myself lat night, and visited some old ghosts best left buried, and I'm angry at myself today.  Bach's absolutely right.  A lot of it is self-inflicted because I get overwhelmed and scared.  I'm inspired by you showing up and owning it - you've given me courage to do the same today, because otherwise I was just going to wallow in self-pity and self-directed anger all day.  Thanks for your inspiration.

[Kizzie]

Sorry you had a bad night Larry, but so glad you posted about it.  I think posting here about things we'd rather not talk about is self-care, giving ourselves a bit of "sunshine therapy".  Our fears seem to lose a bit of power each time we share them and find out others care and many have had similar experiences.  That said, having been here since 2014 I can say that many members, myself included, report having symptom flareups at first.  When you think about it it's how we protected ourselves in the past - keeping ourselves isolated kept us from abuse, and telling ourselves we are responsible for our trauma gives us a small degree of control over our fate.   

When it happens maybe think of it as old tapes running in your head that will calm down/fade as you work on recovering. 

[Papa Coco]

Larry

Courage is  not the absense of fear. (The absense of fear is usually ignorance). COURAGE is feeling terrified and STILL GOING FORWARD.

Dude, I'm so proud of you today I can hardly stand it. You've told us for weeks now how terrified you are of tomorrow's first visit with a therapist, and look at you. You're going to do it anyway. 

I'm feeling inspired by you right now. I want to pick one of my fears and see if I can make myself face it too! 

Being a long-time fan of therapy, I feel pretty sure you're going to be real, real, real glad you did it tomorrow, but I also know that you don't feel that way yet. So I am real excited to hear from you tomorrow after it's done.

I'm totally on your side. It looks like everyone on this forum is on your side. Keep us in your heart while you're getting ready for your visit. We're all going to be thinking about you at that moment. A little trick I use when I need support from people who can't physically be with me is, I find physical prop to hold in my hand. So like, right now, you could grab something close, like a particular pen or a little rock or a favorite trinket and hold it tight while you reread the words from all of us here who are promising to support you tomorrow. Put our "energy" into that little trinket. Then when it's time to log in or go see your new therapist, grab that little trinket with all our "energy" in it, so that your body remembers that we're all with you in spirit at that moment. I do this a lot. It helps connect my phsyical body to my emotional mind, to remind me that all those people who'd promised support the last time I held this in my hand, are still out there...still promising their support. It kind of helps me to not feel alone and isolated and unsupported.

You're going to do great. And it won't hurt a thing if you decide to just be open and let this therapist know how freaking scared you've been.  Your therapist is on your side also.

[Papa Coco]

Larry,

Okay, I just left my computer and headed downstairs to make lunch (It's noon here in Seattle), and I realized I've still got watery eyes. Not from pity, but from pride. I can't even focus on making a salad right now. I had to climb back up the stairs to send another tag up note. As a Fawn type with a very empathetic nature, I feel really connected to you right now. I have felt horrific fear in my life, so when you tell us of where you are at right now in your fear, I feel it too. I can't get you off my mind. When I say I'm proud of what you're about to do right now, those aren't just words. You're facing something that's tearing you up inside, but you're facing it! Sure, you're using booze to crutch it, but that's how I used to do it too. No big deal. You're not giving up, and that's what really matters. You're going to do this.

I'm tired of people complaining about their pain and refusing to accept help. YOU are not refusing help. That's what's making my eyes moist today. This is the power of empathy. Those of us who have the gift of empathy aren't just saying empty words, we really, truly DO feel what you are feeling, and we are really truly supporting you.

[Larry]

I can't tell you how thankful i am,  thank you all so much for the understanding and support.  I have this small keychain,  i will use it to think of all of you tomorrow.  I don't know hwere i would be without you all !!  I am feeling so much better right now after reading the posts from everyone.  i don't think i have ever had this much support !

[Not Alone]

Hi Larry. We haven't "met" yet. I'm glad you posted when you were having such a tough night. I am thinking of you and your first therapy session tomorrow.

[Pippi]

Just want to add to this chorus: I believe in you too, Larry.  And I'm thinking of you too.  Your courage to face what scares you inspires me, as I can relate SO much to just wanting to hide, drink to make it all disappear.

It is phenomenally courageous, as Papa Coco said, to move ahead even what you are afraid.  And when you seek out help despite the pain from your past - this makes you brave, not broken.  I'm cheering you on!! 

[Larry]

thank you pippi and not alone !  i really appreciate you ,   I will be thinking of all of you tomorrow.  I  have a small keychain,  like papa coco suggested,  you will all be with me tomorrow !!  i'm sure i will be full of anxiety,  but also feel so hopeful right now !!