Shattered Self

[rainydiary]

For decades of my life I didn't see that I was fragmented.

My pieces would catch and snag and I would keep going. 

I thought that is what I was supposed to do.

I was climbing up a mountain and kept stumbling.

Each stumble and misstep fragmented me even more.

But I kept going because it felt important to get to the top.

I finally made it to the top. 

In a single moment at the top, I felt all of my pieces align and I sensed the truth: I am abused. 

Then the pieces shattered and collapsed on the Earth in fragments.

I gathered these pieces up and began to examine them one by one. 

Luckily a deep and strong part of me held an outline and guide.

I found that I could still walk and move forward. 

It was still up another mountain as well as down into some valleys. 

Each step of the way, each piece I examined I could put back it I the outline. 

Some pieces hurt more to look at and connect. 

Those hurt pieces initially fragmented me again and again.

I started again and again to put myself back together.

As the pieces held more consistently, I saw that I wasn't putting myself back together.

I was always whole and good and worthy. 

And yet looking at those pieces was/is important. 

Some of the pieces still stick out and aren't fitting as well as they could. 

But I remember the feeling of being completely aligned and present with all of my truth and possibility and feeling and being. 

I will keep walking and seeking that wholeness. 

[woodsgnome]

Many people wonder, what's it -- this journey called cptsd -- what's it like. This piece describes it well, Rainydiary. I especially liked the resilient feel in your description. Sometimes that's the hardest part, to get back up after experiencing yet another setback. And somehow, we get there, and start finding our once hidden path towards wholeness.

Thanks for putting words to a topic that's hard to meaningfully describe. Keep walking, and seeking.   

[rainydiary]

Thank you Woodsgnome.  This image and description came to me recently and I really wanted to share the idea with a group I'm in.  But I don't think it would land well with them.  I appreciate the chance to write that all out here and receive support.  ❤️

[Dante]

Hi rainy, thank you for sharing this.  This beautifully summarizes my experience.  I've had this mental image for literally years now that every day at the end of the day, I'm a pitcher of water that shatters into a million pieces.  I put the pieces in a bowl beside my bed.  In the morning, I pick them all back up and put them back together.  The cracks sometimes show, but I manage to be hold water through the day - only to shatter again at the end of the day.  Your poem made me think of this.

[Not Alone]

Wow. Beautifully written poem. I related to the thoughts and feelings that you expressed. Thank you for sharing this.

[rainydiary]

Dante, I appreciate you sharing a similar visual - the cracks might show but that isn't necessarily a "bad" thing at all. 

Not Alone, thank you