The neglect feels worse than the trauma events

[johnram]

I have spent so much time in therapy focusing on the specific traumas i went through, but underneath it all, and i have a hatred of therapists for this reason, we never spoke of the neglect, the day to day abandonment, the day to day, pain and hurt and relegation of needs

its so frustrating to unpeel the layers and just find more and more hurt and terrible people beyond just my parents
sorry i am ranting

but its so hard and painful

[Papa Coco]

I know that pain, Johnram.

The feeling of neglect and the feeling of lifelong loneliness are the pains that brought me to this forum in the first place. On some days it feels like a dark cloud of hopelessness comes over me against my will. I know the feelings are temporarily worse on some days than others, and I know how bad it hurts on those days while it's hovering over me. I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling that cloud today.

I don't hate all therapists. Just the ones who deserve to be hated, of which there are plenty. One of my favorite jokes of all time is: "What do you call the med student that graduated bottom of their class?" Answer: "Doctor."

I wish there was a Yelp page where people could rate their therapists on how "human" they are, so I could pick the ones with more than 4 stars. But, for me I had to spend 20 years trying them out until I found the right one. (I saw 6 bad therapists between 1981 and 1999—I think they were all "Cognitive Therapists." I found my current therapist in 2000 and have finally found what I was in need of). It was worth it to me to keep shopping for the right one.

I don't know what my current therapist calls himself, but it sounds like Somatic Therapy might be what he does. He knows cognitive therapy is not helpful for CPTSD. He has struggled with CPTSD also, so he's able to feel what I'm feeling while we're together. (An example of how he harnesses the healing power of empathy). That means the world to me. He's sharing my experience of healing rather than just blabbing out the textbook words he was trained to blab on que.

The distinction between knowledge and experience is important. For example, when I look out the window and see it's raining, I have knowledge that it's raining. But when I'm standing in the yard, feeling the cold rain on my face and skin, I'm experiencing the cold rain. At the window I can see the rain. In the driveway I FEEL the rain. Big difference. Same with C-PTSD. When a person goes to college to learn how to diagnose and treat CPTSD, they gain valuable knowledge. But the real magic happens when you can connect with others who have experienced the long, sleepless nights, the suicidal ideation, the internal shame and loneliness from childhood neglect. For me, the true healing happens when that knowledge is accompanied by a connection with someone who can intimately experience what I'm experiencing.

For me, a therapist who has both: Knowledge of how to identify and treat CPTSD and Empathy because he/she has experienced the same hopeless, fearful, loneliness that I experience from CPTSD is the perfect therapist.

If your therapist has Knowledge, but doesn't have empathy, please don't hesitate to use this forum to find the empathetic connection that fills the void. We're here for each other, both in the main forum like this one, or you can contact any one of us privately using the Personal Messages feature of this forum.

My advice to all of us is: Don't quit therapy! But until we can find a therapist who has the power of empathy, and who actually knows what it feels like to be us, we can use the power of empathy that's found on this forum to add to the power of knowledge from our therapists.

I believe the true healing requires both: Knowledge and Experience (Empathy). Great if you have both of these in one therapist, but if not, use your therapist for knowledge together with us for experience.

That's my two cents.

[rainydiary]

johnram, I appreciate you sharing this as it relates to my experience as well.  The deepest layer is the layer that others might not see or feel or know how to help us manage.  I don't have any answers myself but I appreciate that I'm not the only one trying to figure this out.

[johnram]

Thank you @papa coco.  I agree with that.  I am actually working with someone who gets it.  I have spent a lot of time with an EMDR therapist, and she is good but truth be told we were also shooting in the dark.  So many therapists claim to cover trauma and childhood cptsd, but its not the case. 

this chat often motivates me to become a therapist (i have thought of this before), that felt sense, the real "getting it", i need to get over more of my own stuff, but its needed.  True therapists who can say, it took me 5-10- years but i did the work, and not, as you say just read it in some book

The memories recently coming up, have been provoking such anger around abandonment, and neglect, not specific events, but the broad, and i have never spoken about that with past therapists, i suspect they were scared - however terrible that sounds

much love to you, and your journey

[johnram]

@Rainydiary - thank you for sharing.  that also helps me feel less solo here too

[storyworld]

I was talking with my sister (who happens to be a therapist) yesterday about this subject (the pain and confusion related to past neglect). She suggested I read this book: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1626251703/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o01_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

She said it helped her put some pieces together as she worked through (and is working through) her own healing journey. I haven't read it, but did order it yesterday. I do appreciate you sharing your experience. I find it encouraging whenever I read when others have similar struggles as it seems so many people in my "real world" environment seem so ... self-regulating. (I'm not sure that's the word I'm looking for.)

I am grateful that my therapist largely lets me set the agenda and tell her what I feel is important to discuss. Sometimes this can feel challenging as 1) I can lack courage to express what feels most important and, 2) I am so new (one year into therapy) into my journey and still intensely wrestling with denial and confusion that I don't always know what is important to discuss. For now, we've focused heavily on self-regulation and things that help me gain increased sleep, as sleep deprivation has been a major life-hindering struggle.

[Kizzie]

I often see sites that neglect neglect as it were, not understanding it is abuse and if it's ongoing often leads to CPTSD/CRTR.  In the end we all tend to be trauma orphans if the abuse/neglect is by our parents because although they are there, they aren't really so we grow up alone without all the things children need to develop.

All this is to say neglect is definitely abuse and I'm sorry you suffered that StoryWorld. A    if that's OK.

[storyworld]

Thank you, Kizzie.

[marti.325]

It feels so good to read everyone's responses to this. That the support is there, the understanding. I had a Somatic Experiencing therapist for 5 and a half years. I made incredible progress with her. I highly recommend SE. Somehow my Medicare and Medicaid paid for it. I agree that Cognitive Behavioral whatever is a bandaid at best when the Wound is still bleeding and active at every turn. For me, I had so little money for so long, only Medicare and Medicaid, that 12-Step programs at least gave me a place to be heard in a circle of those who would not fix me or judge me. Sometimes there were those jerks who tried to fix me, but mostly not. It is free, and if it isn't tainted by the gratitude list crap, it's a good place. It can be. Just my experience. Hope that lands OK.