Infancy trauma - any others can relate??

[johnram]

Hi all,

As part of my recovery i have discovered via EMDR and other things, that one of my biggest trauma, likely my biggest was in infancy.  My mother was post natal when i was born, and that quickly developed into schizphrenia (and i had to be there - not loved, not cared for, and abandoned as she got worse and worse).  My dad was not around much / he isnt a father anyway. 

I share this, as its very difficult to capture such early trauma, to really feel it, although i am trying. 

Wondering if others have had infancy trauma that they recall and have resolved / or i mean worked through and have any comments / advice??

thanks

[Bach]

I can relate all too well.  My mother got pregnant to manipulate my father, and because that didn't work out the way she expected it to, she started resenting me and not wanting me before I was even born, and I became the scapegoat for everything wrong in her life from then on.  I don't know for sure what she did to me when I was an infant of course, but I've put together what I can of it from family photos and documents, information from other family members and family friends, extrapolation from things I remember from later in my childhood, and some devastating flashbacks.  I can't say that I've resolved it, but knowing about it has certainly been very helpful in informing my therapy and my understanding of my symptoms.  I have recently begun working with a practitioner of Somatic Experiencing because although the cognitive therapy I have been doing for many years has been very helpful, I feel that I've reached a bit of an impasse with it.  I chose Somatic Experiencing as a complementary therapy because the concept that I have trauma stored in my body that cannot be released through talk alone makes a lot of sense to me.  I am hopeful that this will help me progress further, but also rather afraid it will be yet another thing I will try that seems so promising in the beginning but turns out to be dead end.

[Armee]

I'm very interested in how it works to come to understand and resolve early infancy trauma. I don't have any insights but relate to both your posts, not exactly, but similar.

My mom was mentally I'll. Dx is bipolar but I really suspect it was schizoaffective disorder. She was very depressed, very anxious, often nearly catatonic, and traumatized too. I think. But she told so many lies big and small I don't even know about that part anymore. I know watching her with my own kids she had no idea how to interact with or mirror a baby and instead would amp up their distress 100 fold. She was irritable and rageful and unpredictable and while I don't have my own memories what my sister tells me, it would have been a very distressing environment. I do know I wanted nothing to do with her and couldn't look at her or stand to be touched by her as a kid and till the very end.

My father was not there i never knew him but the stories are that he was an abusive alcoholic and drug addict who left home at 14 and that he tried to kill my mom while she was pregnant with me and stole everything including my sister's baby photos when he left and would threaten to kidnap us. But now I just have no idea which pieces are true. Some are, some probably aren't.

She apparently stayed with my grandparents the first 3 months of my life and then we moved away. I loved my grandparents so much. They are what saved me when things really went haywire with my mom when I was a bit older.

I'm not sure if you all have watched videos of the "still face" experiments but that really made me feel like yes that is what was happening.

[woodsgnome]

I used to think if I could figure it all out, I'd find a sense of peace about what happened. All I know now is that I don't want to know any more. It was all senseless then, and remains so today.

I've found it's impossible to disavow all the emotional and physical remnants from extremely early abuse on the part of the m. I've found that trying to return there, even for the purposes of ironing out the m's motivations, are useless with regards to making me feel better about what happened and/or why.

I've tried various approaches over a number years, but all it accomplished was to wear me down further. Instead of understanding anything I just felt the memory was keeping me stuck in some world I can't fathom. It just hurts too much.

Obviously it's still a major wound, or I wouldn't be responding.
Other than that, I keep working on where I'm at, instead of trying to recapture what happened in an awful time I can't wish away, but will have to leave it at that.

Sorry if I wasn't able to offer much encouragement; just my experience. Perhaps you'll do better with this. 

[dollyvee]

Hi John,

Thanks for posting this - it resonates with what's come up this week for me and my therapist has mentioned this in the past as well. I can see that NPD and enmeshment runs in my family, so am pretty sure there is stuff there from infancy that I'm only beginning to realize. I feel this deep sense of panic when ppl get too close or sometimes just around ppl that don't feel safe in general, and I think it has to do with early childhood/preverbal stuff and how my mom was. I've also done some EMDR which was helpful. IFS has also helped me reconnect with a young part (2ish) that I had to hide away because it wasn't safe and given me access to emotional parts of myself/inner workings that I couldn't identify before.

Also, I have been doing a certain type of Tibetan meditation which has been surprisingly helpful to settle some emotions. I'm still working on that "underlying feeling" though which I think probably comes with this type of trauma, that there's something there but you don't know how to verbalize it.

Bach - I hope that goes well for you. I found my limits with cognitive therapy as well and started seeing an EMDR therapist which opened up some new doors for me.

dolly

[marti.325]

After some time in Somatic Experiencing I had a deep raging cry that was definitely, I just felt it in my body, from infancy. My brother had told me that Mother let me cry myself to sleep. Really convenient for her that that was the advice at the time. Don't know if she did that with my elder siblings. I trust my body to tell me what happened. After all the healing I've had, and my life expanding, I continue to have friendships that are not satisfying and no one really close. It's frustrating. I have a sinus headache today because of it.