Overcoming fear of asking for help/asking for anything

[stilltrying]

This is such a biggie for me.
Asking for help. Making my needs known.
Even things that I should be getting as par the course for say, my job.
My superviser didn't do my end of rotation report for example. I emailed him, and then felt too scared to badger him further. He is supposed to have done it by early August. It is now...October and still not done.
I'm scared he is going to do any or all of the following:
Sigh, show irritance at being bothered, get annoyed, get angry, have a go at me and tell me I am bothering him and then whip out a whole list of all the things in which I am truly dreadful/awful/a massive burden and other ways in which i am just useless and lacking and incompetent in, that he has kept secret this whole time, to throw at me in the moment where something is needed of him, to get her anger out. .

I've had to push through fears like this SO MUCH in the past. Its so scary asking for stuff having grown up in...our kinds of home environments.
I'm scared to bother my friends too, though I mostly push through that one and it works out ok. Though I mostly do it with things that are really not asking much at all. Other times when I've needed a bit more....such as helping me when I've had a broken wrist, its so difficult.

I always feel like I first have to prep in my head for coming up with a load of justifications and explanations why I absolutely cannot 100% do it by myself at this very moment. Like the situation has to be completely dire to justify asking them. Otherwise maybe its too much, maybe they'll get irritated, annoyed, see me as needing too much blah blah blah.

Its awful. I hate this. The fear, the pounding heart, the expectation of being ridiculed/rejected is so horrendous it puts me off pushing through and just asking.

Though most of the times I've asked for help, its been fine.

But then there's the feeling of needing to 'give back' and overcompensate for what others did for me - like its such a big massive deal, that i need to show them it was worth it or justifiable by being extremely available and giving in return even when they're not asking for anything(?!). Its maddening. I constantly feel like I can never just....be. I'm always anticipating and preparing against/for a particular outcome.

Of course, this is all in keeping with how my mum and older siblings reacted to my needs and the relationship their behaviour led me to have with my needs and how they affect others.

This is my next focus of healing. Little baby steps.
Gosh. Its so unfair we have to learn basic things in such brutal ways. We have to learn healthy things by always unlearning the unhealthy ways we were programmed into...through extremely difficult facing of fears and unrealistic views of the world and others instilled into us by rubbish caregivers.

[woodsgnome]

Your description could as well describe what asking for things (anything and everything) has been like for me. While I've had some ups and downs with this, it seems more static and almost unmovable for me. So much of my life ends up with me wondering ... if only I'd asked. It's even worse than that, though -- if I have to call someone or even have the simplest question to ask, I can hold off for days as if it's a major hurdle to ask.

I've tried umpteen times to make some headway about this. My only conclusion is it all comes down to extremely low self-esteem and/or love, simple as that.  -- did I just say "simple"?  Some of this comes from a strong sense of self-reliance, in most respects an enabling and useful trait. But it's obvious that in my case I can hide behind what otherwise is considered an admirable asset 

Too much redundancy here. I just want you to know you're not alone in figuring out a sane, safe way to live with and alter this 'can't ask' behaviour. I wish you well as you grapple with this aspect.

[stilltrying]

Your description could as well describe what asking for things (anything and everything) has been like for me. While I've had some ups and downs with this, it seems more static and almost unmovable for me. So much of my life ends up with me wondering ... if only I'd asked. It's even worse than that, though -- if I have to call someone or even have the simplest question to ask, I can hold off for days as if it's a major hurdle to ask.

I've tried umpteen times to make some headway about this. My only conclusion is it all comes down to extremely low self-esteem and/or love, simple as that.  -- did I just say "simple"?  Some of this comes from a strong sense of self-reliance, in most respects an enabling and useful trait. But it's obvious that in my case I can hide behind what otherwise is considered an admirable asset 

Too much redundancy here. I just want you to know you're not alone in figuring out a sane, safe way to live with and alter this 'can't ask' behaviour. I wish you well as you grapple with this aspect.

Thank you. My heart goes out to you for trying to take steps forward with this. Its so incredibly hard, I know. I hope this static problem can be an area of your life that can improve, you deserve it as much as anyone else. I'm going to keep trying, little by little. I wish I could send all the goodness, health and healing to everyone else on here sharing in my difficulties, you all make me feel seen, heard and so much less alone. So grateful for you and everyone on here.