Newcomer / Another "Identified Patient"

[pt_1112021]

Hello everyone -

I just joined and began reading your intros.  I kept wanting to respond but decided I should tell you a little about me first.

Like yours, my story is a long and painful one.  The short version is that I grew up in a large family (8 children.)  My mother is/was a child abuse survivor (her father was an alcoholic) and "transcender" (she has dementia now, but devoted her adult life to helping children.)  There was no clear violence in my childhood, but there was unintentional neglect and extreme sibling rivalry.  As adults, all my siblings developed addictions and/or other (mostly undiagnosed) mental health issues.

I was mom's favorite.  I became the most highly educated, the most "successful," the only one of her children to become a mother too - and her caregiver when her health started failing (14 years ago.)  Despite all my successes, though, I ended up in an abusive/domestic violent relationship.  That is what happened to me that caused my trauma response.

I got out of my horrible relationship (barely) with the help of my mother.  She helped me raise my two children (now adolescents).  We became very, very close and I learned the truth of what happened to her.  I grew to understand her childhood hurts.  She became my hero. 

My siblings saw my mother differently - they became bitter and blamed her for their troubles.  Now she has dementia - so they have shifted blame to me.  I am squarely the Family Scapegoat/Identified Patient - and have recently been cut off from contact with my mother for various untrue reasons.

Last year I made the choice to cut off all contact with my entire extended family.  My children and I moved to another state and are struggling to build a new life.  It's good to finally be free on one hand, but lonely and grief-filled too.

I have made myself a promise to do everything in my power to try to "break the cycle" for my children.  It's an uphill battle. So from the sound of it, I think I may have found a good place.  Thank you for reading this - I'm looking forward to sharing your journey!

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you being and sharing your story. 

[Not Alone]

I hear so much pain in what you shared. Welcome to OOTS.

[Armee]

I feel so heartbroken for all your loss. That sounds painful. Welcome to the forum, I'm glad to get to meet you and read your writing. Now your piano post makes more sense to me now knowing of your relationship with your mom. Learning piano would be beautiful.

[pt_1112021]

Thanks for the kind comments.  Funny how just having someone else acknowledge your pain makes a difference...