More recovery notes

[jamesG.1]

Interesting phase.

After a sharp relapse I've noticed, as I have before, that on the other side of these dips I tend to have made noticeable gains. It's like you are working your way through a series of cells, a bit like a honeycomb, and every once in a while you have to backtrack to secure one you thought you'd dealt with but which came back to life.

Metaphor on my mind is the Pacific in ww2 where you had this island hopping process. Some islands you assault and take, others you bypass in favour of more important or larger islands. Eventually, you take them all, but some have the odd enemy lurking in the jungles, sometimes for 20 years. The bigger islands are more costly to take of course, just as your issues will focus on the main events and the bigger traumas, but don't underestimate the way that down the line, the bypassed islands will need to be taken.

I've noticed a lot more 'living in the now' going on suddenly. Things that bothered me are now lessening and my cortisol levels must be dropping because my hyper-vigilance is falling away. Sound sensitivity is dropping which is good and I've not needed any emergency meds to lower social panic.

If I were to guess why I'm winning, it would have to be about accepting where I've ended up as being OK, good even, and also dropping the hurt and bewilderment at the way friends let me down so badly when things were at their worst. The judgement, often so badly informed and partisan hurt me hugely, it was not only so far from accurate as to be absurd, it was frequently deriving entertainment from what became a very real tragedy. I think I've been holding on for closure over this, waiting for some justice and realism that simply will not happen. Accepting that and letting people go for my own peace of mind has been hard, but I am palpably better in myself when I do.

But these things come and they go. The C-PTSD mind needs constant retraining, like brushing wayward hair, one stroke of the brush is not enough. When it comes back, I have to go back to my mantras and remind myself of the big lessons I have learned over these last 5 years.

People make their own choices.
It is normal to protect yourself.
You are not obliged to display loyalty without conditions.
This is your life.
There are rules in life, and those that play against them can and should be avoided.
C-PTSD is an injury, not an illness.
A small but dangerous element of humanity is beyond the pail.
Families are not a trap, if you have a bad one, you can, and should... leave.
Living for others will not end well.
Make boundaries... and keep them.
etc etc

Next year is set to be an important one. Restore, reclaim... rebuild.

[Libby183]

Thank you for your update. As ever, your metaphor is spot on.

I think I am in a similar place in my life, and your list of lessons learned are the very things I am getting to grips with now.

All the best to you.

Libby.