Thank you everyone for the shared empathy and understanding. It is very helpful to be with others who understand because my T doesn't really understand either. He tries to but he hasn't lived it. It's different.
Today I am trying to wrap my head around owning how I felt yesterday. It did not feel like me and I did not feel emotions, but my body acted them out, therefore, somehow somewhere that has to have been how I was feeling. And it feels important for me to own that.
I was acting terrified, ashamed, deeply uncomfortable, and sad. Therefore, I must have been....no...I WAS...terrified, ashamed, deeply uncomfortable, and sad. It's just. It's closed off to me. Two different sets of neurons...one that feels like me who did not feel those things, and one set that did feel those things but they couldn't be acknowledged by my prefrontal cortex and truly felt in a holistic way. One body. Not two minds but lots of different places in the mind and some aren't connected to the whole.
At other parts in the week I have felt all those things , but far less intensely than they came out physically yesterday. So where is that disconnect...why could I not have owned those feelings, why did they erupt like they did physically and disconnected? I didn't deny feeling them at the time I felt them. I acknowledged them.
Ah. Except the fear. I did not acknowledge the fear for very long. I pushed it away with shame. Shame and self doubt. Nothing bad happened. I imagined it all. I was just a weird kid.
So is that it? I need to acknolwedge the fear more?
I have been rowing multiple times a day on a machine at home because I am too out of shape to run outside right now (embarrassed...I live in stepford wives town. I am not like them). But I didn't the past couple days. Today my back and arms ache like I had the workout of a lifetime. Not from rowing but from the physical way my body expressed its emotions yesterday. It was so physically intense.
I am afraid. I am embarrassed. I am sad. I am scared. I don't know what is in there. I don't know what is real and not real. That makes me feel ashamed. When I start to feel fear and sad I doubt myself and turn it off. Last week we got very close to something that sometimes feels like truth and sometimes feels like something else. I have never ever named where it hurts. I have given enough information for T to know but I never named it. But he helped me feel safe and comfortable last week to name it. Half way through doing flash emdr last week I started to turn toward the distressing thing and before I could even call it to mind in just the vaguest way I was overcome with nausea and everything screeched to a close. If I had not been physically overcome yesterday, what would have happened?
