Armee's Journal - A New Chapter

  • 959 Replies
  • 40702 Views
*

Armee

  • Member
  • 2705
    • View Profile
Armee's Journal - A New Chapter
« on: November 13, 2021, 07:43:28 PM »
Starting a new journal for a new chapter of life. It feels like I have a fresh start and I wonder where this period of life will take me.

*

Pippi

  • Member
  • 34
    • View Profile
Re: Armee's Journal - A New Chapter
« Reply #1 on: November 13, 2021, 09:19:16 PM »
I'm looking forward to witnessing your new chapter, Armee!

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 9060
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
Re: Armee's Journal - A New Chapter
« Reply #2 on: November 14, 2021, 02:55:48 PM »
hey, armee,

i love starting my journal anew, have done it several times already.  looking forward to your turning a new page, so to speak.  love and hugs :hug:

*

Armee

  • Member
  • 2705
    • View Profile
Re: Armee's Journal - A New Chapter
« Reply #3 on: November 17, 2021, 04:14:20 AM »
Thanks Pippi and San!

Well, the gift of CPTSD can be that you feel like you are really ready for a new chapter but the symptoms have other plans.

 :fallingbricks:

I was awake last night from 130am-430am. I hadn't had nightmares and I wasn't having thoughts. I did startle awake and ended up hurting myself a little so I'm carrying that physical pain and shame around today. It's related to body dysmorphia too. I'm not sure what happened. Then I fell back asleep and slept 1.5hrs till it was time to get up.

When I woke up I had a strong smell hallucination. Of bug spray. I thought my husband had sprayed a huge amount upstairs. But he hadn't at all. And then all day I was super anxious and dissociative and ashamed and uncomfortable. I had therapy and I just could not act anywhere close to normal. I was jumpy everytime he paused I jumped back several steps and looked like a deer in headlights. Shrunk and slumped and twisting my hat and clothes to the point of ripping. All the while no upsetting thoughts or memories.

This stuff bugs me because it makes no sense. I can't say I'm remembering x or I'm triggered by y. It's just a huge mystery. I hate being like this. I don't know what the problem is. I'm finally though at a point where I don't think I am being stupid and somehow making this stuff happen. Whatever it is I don't actually have control over it. Im not saying I don't have the power to fix it, but that I'm not like making it up.. I'm not making myself afraid, I'm not being weak and anxious, I'm not just being melodramatic when I dissociate. It's all real. At least I know that now. It helps me be kinder and gentler.

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow and I don't want anyone touching me or being close but it's at the same time as my son's and I don't want to teach him to back out of stuff. Sigh. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.

*

Snowdrop

  • Member
  • 1688
    • View Profile
Re: Armee's Journal - A New Chapter
« Reply #4 on: November 17, 2021, 06:21:58 AM »
I'm sorry you felt like that, Armee. Do you think it could have been an EF? I'm glad realising it's real helps you to be Kinder and gentler. :hug:

*

Armee

  • Member
  • 2705
    • View Profile
Re: Armee's Journal - A New Chapter
« Reply #5 on: November 17, 2021, 02:50:55 PM »
Thanks Snowdrop. It may be an EF. I have a few theories I just don't know which it is. And ultimately my behavior and outside mood doesn't seem like mine and it doesn't match what I'm aware of and it is outside of my control. That bothers me. I guess that's structural dissociation.

Theory 1: I was embarrassed by something I shared with my therapist earlier in the week and/or we had gotten too close to something the previous session. Instead of just feeling embarrassed or scared, my brain threw up this distraction that kept us away from making progress.

Theory 2: that evening I had had dinner with my cousin and although I've been open about how I felt about my mom we went a little deeper and I shared just a few bits of the more disturbing stuff. It is not stuff I have run away from or hidden and it shouldn't have caused en EF, but at the same time I did feel a bit agitated from that. So maybe it was an EF caused by talking about my mom.

Theory 3. Something came up while I was dreaming that stayed out of my awareness but that triggered me without me knowing I was triggered.

*

rainydiary

  • Member
  • 2283
    • View Profile
Re: Armee's Journal - A New Chapter
« Reply #6 on: November 17, 2021, 02:59:12 PM »
Armee, EFs are so tricky.  Iíve been reflecting on how difficult it is to not know exactly where they come from always.  I hope that you find some ease.

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 9060
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
Re: Armee's Journal - A New Chapter
« Reply #7 on: November 17, 2021, 03:01:40 PM »
hey, armee,

i think any of those 3 theories could be valid, and i don't doubt you'll discover the truth eventually.  until then, i'm standing by you.  i know that confusion, that feeling of not knowing, and it's a horrible place to be.  i'm just sorry you're going thru this.

the idea of sharing too much with someone, what kind of skittish aftermath it can bring until you know it was ok to do so, well, i can relate to that, too.  i hate thinking i have to second-guess myself - i don't know if that's what happens with you, but that's part of the process i go thru.  just know you're not alone.  love and hugs, my dear :hug:

*

Papa Coco

  • ZTG
  • Member
  • 743
  • "Love not put into action is only a word" M.Teresa
    • View Profile
Re: Armee's Journal - A New Chapter
« Reply #8 on: November 17, 2021, 03:14:32 PM »
Hi Armee,

I know that feeling of being in a serious EF, extreme anxiety or even crushing depression and not really knowing why. People who have never experienced CPTSD can't grasp that these EFs come out of nowhere, but those of us who share the experience...we get it. I call it "It's a trauma thing."  LOL.

I just look at them as storms that come out of nowhere and settle over me for a day or a week or however long they settle. I use what tricks I have up my sleeve to weather the storms. Sometimes I figure out what caused them, other times they just come over me, stay a while, then leave. If I'm lucky I can be IN one on my therapy date, and my T and I can explore together. Other times I'm like you with a list of possible reasons.

I'm actually having one now, it's been in motion for almost two weeks. Extreme anxiety, unable to sleep...my wife and I have some theories, but nothing is glaringly obvious. I'm glad to have this forum so we can all share in these EFs together. Somehow just knowing there's someone to talk to who understand "it's a trauma thing" is very helpful to me. I hope it is for you as well.

*

Larry

  • Member
  • 809
    • View Profile
Re: Armee's Journal - A New Chapter
« Reply #9 on: November 17, 2021, 03:25:09 PM »
Hi Armee,  so excited for your new chapter,  sounds very positive to get a fresh start. 

*

Armee

  • Member
  • 2705
    • View Profile
Re: Armee's Journal - A New Chapter
« Reply #10 on: November 17, 2021, 07:59:28 PM »
Thank you everyone for the shared empathy and understanding. It is very helpful to be with others who understand because my T doesn't really understand either. He tries to but he hasn't lived it. It's different.

Today I am trying to wrap my head around owning how I felt yesterday. It did not feel like me and I did not feel emotions, but my body acted them out, therefore, somehow somewhere that has to have been how I was feeling. And it feels important for me to own that.

I was acting terrified, ashamed, deeply uncomfortable, and sad. Therefore, I must have been....no...I WAS...terrified, ashamed, deeply uncomfortable, and sad. It's just. It's closed off to me. Two different sets of neurons...one that feels like me who did not feel those things, and one set that did feel those things but they couldn't be acknowledged by my prefrontal cortex and truly felt in a holistic way. One body. Not two minds but lots of different places in the mind and some aren't connected to the whole.

At other parts in the week I have felt all those things , but far less intensely than they came out physically yesterday. So where is that disconnect...why could I not have owned those feelings, why did they erupt like they did physically and disconnected? I didn't deny feeling them at the time I felt them. I acknowledged them.

Ah. Except the fear. I did not acknowledge the fear for very long. I pushed it away with shame. Shame and self doubt. Nothing bad happened. I imagined it all. I was just a weird kid.

So is that it? I need to acknolwedge the fear more?

I have been rowing multiple times a day on a machine at home because I am too out of shape to run outside right now (embarrassed...I live in stepford wives town. I am not like them). But I didn't the past couple days. Today my back and arms ache like I had the workout of a lifetime. Not from rowing but from the physical way my body expressed its emotions yesterday. It was so physically intense.

I am afraid. I am embarrassed. I am sad. I am scared. I don't know what is in there. I don't know what is real and not real. That makes me feel ashamed. When I start to feel fear and sad I doubt myself and turn it off. Last week we got very close to something that sometimes feels like truth and sometimes feels like something else. I have never ever named where it hurts. I have given enough information for T to know but I never named it. But he helped me feel safe and comfortable last week to name it. Half way through doing flash emdr last week I started to turn toward the distressing thing and before I could even call it to mind in just the vaguest way I was overcome with nausea and everything screeched to a close. If I had not been physically overcome yesterday, what would have happened?


*

rainydiary

  • Member
  • 2283
    • View Profile
Re: Armee's Journal - A New Chapter
« Reply #11 on: November 18, 2021, 02:58:51 AM »
Armee, I appreciate you sharing about all of the emotions and sensations and thoughts and experiences coming up.  It sounds so difficult and I am here with you. 

*

Larry

  • Member
  • 809
    • View Profile
Re: Armee's Journal - A New Chapter
« Reply #12 on: November 18, 2021, 04:29:44 AM »
i really appreciate you.  I don't really know how to return the support you have given me.   i want to,  just don't now how.  you are an amazing person.  glad to have you as a friend !

*

Armee

  • Member
  • 2705
    • View Profile
Re: Armee's Journal - A New Chapter
« Reply #13 on: November 18, 2021, 04:34:50 AM »
Thank you Rainy for being here and appreciating people and just being just being really solid support.

Thank you Larry. I really appreciate you too. It may not feel like it to you but you are teaching all of us here, too. You are very open and vulnerable. You own up to your struggles and open yourself to receiving support. That is very very hard to do. Part of why I could be so open here today was because I am learning that from you.

*

Larry

  • Member
  • 809
    • View Profile
Re: Armee's Journal - A New Chapter
« Reply #14 on: November 18, 2021, 04:37:20 AM »
wow,  thank you,