[Papa Coco]

Armee,

I can't get over how much mileage you're getting. It sounds like your therapist is really helpful. I'm glad the EMDR worked!

You know that each of our sense has its own memory. The sense of smell is the most potent. So the fact that you don't really visualize, well that's only one sense. Your body has memory. Your hearing. Your vision. Your taste buds.

I'm impressed by how your memories are flowing through you now. And it's SO good that you have a competent therapist to help you through this.  And I'm honored that you share your experiences with us on the forum.

BIg hug as you make your way through these various flashbacks, even the ones where a photo suddenly changes right before your eyes. I know how it feels to see things with your mind more than your eyes. I have done that myself at times. It makes perfect sense to me that you are seeing things with your mind right now...like the photo changing.

I trust that you are in good hands, and I offer just the most supportive hug I have available to give as you travel through this part of your healing process.

 

[Armee]

 

Thanks Papa Coco. I've been thinking of you and hoping you were hanging in there. You're right about the various ways we can have memories. Unfortunately the aphantasia can affect all senses so what I have available for memory or imagining is just physical and spatial sense. But like someone who is blind has a heightened sense of other senses, my physical memory is very strong which is why even without anything else I can feel so much detail of what happened. I imagine others can too but maybe the images overpower some of that. I'm incredibly grateful that my therapist has figured out how to work with what I have available instead of giving up.

Thank you San. 

Thank you Rainy. I hope I find some ease too. Eventually I'm sure I will.

[Hope67]

Hi Armee,
I would like to wish you the best for 2023, and also send you a hug   
Hoping that you have some lovely and enjoyable moments.
Hope 

[Armee]

 

Thank you Hope.

My husband and I had a difficult conversation about intimacy a few days ago, right before packing up to visit family for new years. Because we were around people 24/7 for a few days we couldn't really talk about it and I sat on the drive quietly crying and feeling pretty hopeless and a lot of other things.

I ended up cycling through all my usual thoughts and feelings. First that what happened is really bad and my reactions to it are justified and my need to protect myself a bit from the onslaught of flashbacks and insomnia is reasonable. Then that led to guilt that my husband shouldn't have to suffer and I'm not good enough for him and I'm ugly and disgusting and the fact that he loves me and is attracted to me somehow makes me feel even more worthless. Then that leads to me needing to just be ok and let whatever happen and not bother trying to keep the flashbacks reasonable and just force myself to do whatever. Then that leads to a painful little protest that I deserve to protect myself, and then just flat out denial that anything ever happened that I am bad and wrong and being stupid and making stuff up. Because that's what I need to believe to be worthwhile for my husband.

I just felt so trapped in this thinking for several days. We got back last night and I couldn't get out of the loop and wanted to talk to my husband but kept either shame spiraling or dissociating. I was about to get in the shower but I've figured out the past few weeks that bathing itself is a trigger for me too (I thought I got triggered and then would bathe, but it is both. The act of bathing is a trigger.

I knew when I came out my thoughts would be destructive and unhelpful but I couldn't verbalize anything. But I made myself leave the bathroom before showering and just hugged my husband and started crying. Eventually I was able to talk and explain and he talked to me too. We were intimate knowing it would be difficult for me but he checked in with me throughout and tried to keep me grounded through the flashbacks. They eventually ended after a couple hours though they were pretty bad, and I was able to sleep. Normally I'm not able to sleep for most of the night. But I feel good we got through it together snd that he could help me, some.

He kept apologizing which made me sad. It made me sad and after a few tries I was able to verbalize to him that this is what makes r---- so horrible is that it weaponizes and makes terrifying something that should be about love and connection. A victim of a violent robbery is not triggered by their most intimate and loving relationships. They still suffer of course but having a loving spouse be your main trigger is heartbreaking. It's such an awful crime.

I woke up in the midst of having very strange dreams but because I had just woken I was able to remember them and see they were all connected to the g--- r--- even though they explicitly were not about that. Oh God. Sorry I'm making more connections now.

[sanmagic7]

as a wise friend once told me, armee - keep going.  i get how rough this can be.  it sounds like you are getting to the depths of your trauma, closer to the bone, which is the most painful, tender, and sensitive.  i'm so glad you were able to talk to your H about it, that you let yourself be vulnerable w/ him.

may i reiterate, you are not the awful, terrible one in this scenario - the men who perpetrated this upon you are those things and more.  what happened happened, it's true, and you eventually got out of it and your brain did what it needed to do to keep you alive.  you made it and can hold her head high cuz none of this took away any essentially good part of you.  instead, in its horror, it masked the real you to yourself.  coping mechanism only - you are and have been clean and bright.  they took that from you w/ what they did to you, and you are now struggling to regain your own sense of that.

thank you for being you.  i so appreciate you.  sending love and a hug full of reality and clarity.

[Armee]

 

Everytime San, just the words and care I need. I can't thank you ever enough


-----

Holy crud!!! I have been fighting with insurance to cover mental health care and it is awfully triggering to call and deal with the customer service morass. They delete my claims without communicating and make me resubmit  and wait and wait and wait  I have so much shame for even spending this money and needing mental healthcare. But I just checked their claims website and it appears they are finally covering it!!!! Like fully. Not just $70 a week but what it actually costs! I am dumbfounded. I don't quite believe it because I haven't gotten the check in the mail yet but I didn't expect they'd cover the actual cost for 2 hr sessions. Of course that is only through the end of last year because we met our out of pocket maximum last year with the rabies fiasco but still. I did write a cover letter to my most recent claim because they had put me through the ringer and I was MAD and wrote that every time I had to beg for reimbursement it was retriggering and forced me to remember that the reason I need this care was because of horrible painful things that were done to me. And mentioned mental health care parity laws. Maybe that worked. I was going to start upping the ante and giving people Too Much Info if they kept jerking me around on this. If I have to be uncomfortable maybe they need to be too. But anyway cautiously optimistic here while I wait for the payment to arrive.

[CactusFlower]

Congrats on the coverage, Armee. Hopefully that will remove a wee bit of stress.  Gentle hugs if you want them.

[Snowdrop]

Well done Armee!

[Armee]

 

Due to massive storms my typical outdoor nature therapy was moved inside to a new office my therapist obtained. He's been outside and on zoom since covid started. We used to meet in an office for 2 years till covid. I used to be extremely extremely anxious in the office...about the door and being trapped and stuff. Nature Therapy was such a gift for me. I was still very anxious but not at the same level. It was outside and we were able to get the dissociation under control. I feel safe outside.

I knew going into an office would cause some anxiety. I absolutely did not anticipate the extreme level of anxiety and dissociation though especially given I've now worked with him for more than 4 years. 4.5 if you count the time I worked with him while he counseled my son, and us on parenting. The office ended up reminding me of the hotel the way it was set up too. I could barely get a voice to come out and I was more dissociated than I have been in a long long time. And terrified.

My daughter has been having extreme moods too lately. It's a lot to manage. But also the scenario was one where a writing assignment on the pink tax flipped her out (ranting in her assignment about men, scribbling the page so hard she ripped it, and then hiding under her desk). I got so scared that it was because maybe she was abused. I just catastrophize so very badly. I was trying to figure out who it would have been who hurt her. She's had major blowups about homework too that turn into 2 hour long rages. Really it's just emotional control issues probably related to ADHD and hopefully not the start of bipolar. I'm looking for a specialist now for adhd so we can get some targeted help. Tonight she's in a bouncy joyful mood. Whatever she feels it is to the extreme.

My son I panicked about the other night even though he was totally completely fine. Just shows me even though I feel better that trauma is still there big time. All my fears just snowball when it has to do with SA or suicide.

Sigh. It's just all a lot. I'm really tired and I'm not even working or taking care of my mom anymore. I must have been so ragged before.

[sanmagic7]

hey, armee, that nature therapy sounds so wonderful.  very sorry it got put on hold, especially when the room you moved to is triggering.  did you tell your T about that?  hopefully, he can help you put those memories in their proper place - the hotel room where you got harmed, rather than the therapy room where you are getting helped.  big difference.  ooooh, those people tick me off something fierce!!!

the stuff w/ your son and daughter, well, i can relate.  i think only another parent can understand what it means to see your child hurting or even the possibility of pain for them, to say nothing about negotiating mood swings.  i hope you can find the root cause of that.  it does sound difficult to manage for both of you.

sitting with you, armee, warm blanket, cup of hot something, and a few minutes/hours of relaxation and escape.  love and hugs  

[CactusFlower]

gentle hugs, armee. I hope your T can work with you on feeling more safe in the office location. I think it's important he knows what the nature did for you. Storms suck, may it pass quickly.

[Armee]

 
Thanks you two. He definitely knows how well nature therapy works for me and other clients. He was interviewed on a podcast once about his nature therapy and used me as an example. And he was well aware how much I was struggling in the office yesterday. It was unmissable.

He still did good. Made sure to start next door in a  coffee shop to ease me in and to walk outside after for 10 minutes to ground me. For some people that wouldn't be ok but its right for me. In a way it's good to get triggered while I am there to do emdr more effectively especially with my memory and visualization deficits it does help to be in a location that pulls it all up. But it's gotta be in small doses or I'll just be dissociated and not processing. It's disappointing though to still have those reactions be so out of my control and ability to pull out of it.

I'm feeling pretty good today. I slept with my daughter last night so I could sleep well and did that trauma center yoga class this morning. Today I'm painting my daughter's room too so that's distracting and grounding.

[sanmagic7]

i love how your T takes his time w/ you, anticipates your needs, goes slowly and patiently to make sure you feel as safe as possible.  small steps sounds absolutely the correct way to go.  i admire him.  he's truly helping you retrieve yourself from the * you've gone thru.  love and hugs

[Armee]

Thank you, San. I admire him too. He came to the field in his 40s, about a decade now.

Tough day today. My heart is kind of breaking. School called again today this time at 1030 am for me to come get my daughter because she couldn't get her emotions under control enough to be in class. It really scares me because of my mom being bipolar. But I have to remember my son struggled at the same age (10/11) and I had the same worries about him and he came out of it fine, after getting professional help. Which I am trying to line up now for my daughter but it'll take awhile. But it took awhile with my son too and that was with suicide plans. It's going to be ok.

But I also feels so much guilt and shame. That everyone can see its my fault, that I am clearly a freak, and that I can't help my daughter regulate her emotions. I'm messing up somehow. She does well with me but I'm not teaching her skills to manage them at school. And my husband is doing so awesome with both kids. He's become really compassionate and good at holding the lines but with love and feeling and admiration. I'm sure I'm doing the same I just feel like people can see I don't have my * together.

Before I got called to get her I was in the midst of thinking through some trauma stuff. Shame and self blame came up in therapy. First it was about whether I blamed myself for going to the hotel room instead of holding my ground and refusing to go. I said I did not blame myself. I would have blamed myself for that except because I was living for the month with the person who set up the assault it doesn't matter if I went to the hotel or not. He would have gotten me one way or another. He had access to my food drink and bedroom. So no I don't blame myself for what happened,
and I was only trying to be kind. He intended to get me in this way. I was stuck.

And then later in therapy T asked if I felt shame about what happened, because the way I looked was shame. I said I did not feel shame about what happened, but that I feel shame about my reactions.

I thought about that more today because I definitely feel selfblame and shame and yet I was being truthful too when I said I didn't feel it about those specific scenarios. But what it is is that my emotions like blame and shame are connected to what I thought happened and not what actually happened. I only figured out what actually happened recently.

I blame myself for being ugly and awkward and for misleading the men. Because that part of me still thinks nothing happened, that they needed a model but I wasn't good enough. So I feel shame about my appearance and my awkwardness and misleading them. When similar situations come up now (like imposter syndrome type stuff) I react like my life is in danger when I am triggered that way but don't understand that it is because what actually happened was life threatening and traumatic. It's like the part that gets triggered still doesn't actually know that something bad happened even though my nervous system reacts.

I hold beliefs that are based on what I thought was true instead of what was actually happening. I did not get _____ because I was not what they needed me to be. I got ______ because that was always their intention. It doesn't matter how I looked or acted. It still would have happpened. There are so many layers of disconnect. I need to find a way to update all the parts of my brain with what actually happened and with the information that it is not happening now. It's a confusing mess in my head.

[sanmagic7]

I hold beliefs that are based on what I thought was true instead of what was actually happening.

  this sounds like trauma brain at its most powerful.  trauma's ability to distort our reality, take the blame and shame onto ourselves instead of putting it where it belongs, and hold this subverted reality as if it were true.  our bodies 'hold the score', tho, and they don't lie. 

sorry about what's happening w/ your D.  it isn't your fault - there are 2 of you responsible for her, and i know you are a great mom.  i carried the blame for my D1 for a very long time until someone here told me she also had a bio father and my ex who had a hand (or not) in raising her.  unfortunately, sometimes, as you know, these things are simply beyond our reach.  i hope she gets the help she needs and comes out fine on the other side, like your son.

keep taking care of you, ok?  sitting w/ you, hot beverage, snack of your choice (i like crackers and dip or fruit and cheese), and watching a fun/funny movie to just escape for a bit.  sound all right?  sending love and a hug filled w/ putting the blame where it belongs, even if there's no one to blame,