[Hope67]

I found what SanMagic said in response to your last journal entry to be really powerful, and I second that.  I also want to send you a really caring hug of support  and I also happen to think that you're a great Mom to your kids, and you're doing your best for them. 

Armee - I hope that you get chance to have some calming and pleasant moments this weekend, and that you get some rest and chance to do things that you enjoy.

Hope 

[Not Alone]

Armee, I'm sorry that your daughter is struggling. That is so hard for a mom's heart. I hope that school staff and medical staff come along side of you and can be a caring and knowledgeable team to help her.

You are right. The intent of those wicked men was _____. Nothing that you could have done or not done would have changed that. It happened because of their cruelty and wickedness.

My T moved to a new office almost a year ago. Some of my Littles still do not feel safe there.

[Armee]

Thank you Not Alone, Hope and San. 

It feels really really bad right now. I don't have it in me to really say much else. I set up an appointment for husband to talk to therapist last night. I hadn't realized I had a fantasy in my head that it would end with a lot of empathy for what happened and what I was going through and kindness and gentleness. And it's my own messed up filter but it just walked away feeling like I am messed up and need fixing but without any empathy. I know the solution is to just give myself the empathy but it doesn't feel the same. I want to hear it from someone else without having to tell them what I need to hear. I'm so glad I have this place because you all have been very empathetic. I just feel broken and bad and wrong and messed up and it's all my fault. I also parented my daughter very very poorly yesterday so have to fix that.

[sanmagic7]

`for what it's worth, armee, you are one of the kindest, most caring, people i have never met.  as far as being wrong, bad, messed up, and the fault of what's happened to you, no no no, not for a single moment.  what you're going thru has taken a toll on you, and trauma brain occasionally wreaks havoc w/ how we perceive ourselves, both personally and in the world. 

as far as making a mistake w/ your daughter, that's being human.  we all make mistakes.  your strength lies in your ability to admit it and want to do whatever it takes to fix it.  this is not how an awful person/parent reacts.  on the contrary, it shows your love and commitment to your child and the relationship you want to keep with her.

my dear armee, this, too, shall pass.  know that others here can see you for what you really are, how you really are.  you're so wonderful.  sending love and a hug full of saturated empathy for all you're going thru.

[Snowdrop]

I agree with San.

I don't know if this helps, but I've sometimes seen it said on here that trauma is an injury. A person with a broken leg finds some things difficult, and that's easy to comprehend because it's a visible injury. The trauma injuries, however, are invisible, so it's harder for people to see them.

Sending big hugs your way.

[Papa Coco]

Armee,

I also have to agree with San and Snowdrop. You are so loving and so compassionate and so kind, and your words are always targeted so well that I know you really care about everyone on this forum.

I know the feeling of being ashamed of being so "broken." I know the desire to find someone to tell me how sorry they are that my life happened how it did. I know the feeling of wanting "closure" so I can "move on with my life in a perpetual good mood." I'm struggling with all that right now, and it feels like you're going through something similar to it now too.

I think you and I both understand that this is trauma playing itself out again in our heads and hearts. The truth is that you are a very deeply loved person, both at home and on this forum, but I also understand that the devil on the other shoulder is grabbing a chance at making us miserable for a time.

I'll stop here. I'm not in any condition to elaborate any deeper. Just know that you are one of the people on this forum who I feel very lucky to know. You've made countless contributions to my ability to stand on my own two feet. I couldn't be more thankful to be one of your friends on this forum. I feel like you really care about me, and I know that I really care about you.

 

[CrackedIce]

Hey Armee, just wanted to say I'm there with you.  I've had a lot of relationship troubles in part from the C-PTSD scars and often find myself in the shame/self-blame spiral.  The stubborn patterns of all-or-none thinking coupled with anxiety and not having good relationship modeling growing up make every day things like arguments and parenting extra difficult.  I often think about how much different things would be if I could just 'get over this' or if my wife had married someone else.

Just know that things are almost never as bad as we often make the out to be in our heads.  Once you're in a good spot, communication and honesty will win the day and leave everyone in a better spot.  Hoping this week is a good one!

[Blueberry]

It feels really really bad right now. I don't have it in me to really say much else. I set up an appointment for husband to talk to therapist last night. I hadn't realized I had a fantasy in my head that it would end with a lot of empathy for what happened and what I was going through and kindness and gentleness. And it's my own messed up filter but it just walked away feeling like I am messed up and need fixing but without any empathy. I know the solution is to just give myself the empathy but it doesn't feel the same. I want to hear it from someone else without having to tell them what I need to hear. I'm so glad I have this place because you all have been very empathetic. I just feel broken and bad and wrong and messed up and it's all my fault. I also parented my daughter very very poorly yesterday so have to fix that.

None of this is your fault, dear Armee. It's on those horrible, evil, messed up people in your past.

You think that the parenting decisions you made the day before your post were not the best you've ever made and you intend to fix that. That is good parenting. Parents aren't perfect 24/7, but it's seeing the slip-ups and acting on them that matters.

ime giving myself empathy is like a huge long slog. Takes up energy, especially when I'm feeling really low. Of course you wish for empathy from concrete people around you, so please don't beat yourself up for that. 

[Armee]

Sure does seem like you all had a direct line to my head and heart and nervous system, knowing what I was going through. Papa Coco it seems like yes we were struggling with the same demon at the same time. It helps not feel so alone and foreign.

This has been a wild roller coaster. Today I feel ok. In fact today has felt really really long like I have all the hours in the day present and accounted for. Most days just disappear. Today it feels like well maybe it's a dissociation thing and maybe I didn't lose huge chunks of time today. It's a new feeling. I could imagine being productive if more days were like this.

I think I've made really good progress with my husband and intimacy but I know the drill. This is a 2 steps forward 5 steps back kind of thing but the next steps will be a bit bigger.

Today is good and other days this week I have clawed my face and left marks. Especially the shame has been overwhelming and the feeling of being an utterly empty nonhuman. 

I've also cried and that is a milestone I've been waiting for. I am seeing the vastness of damage done. So much in so many areas of my life. Also had a big breakthrough realization that my utter distress about not being good enough for my husband, not what he wants or needs.. it's the same as the imposter syndrome at work and both lead directly back to the hotel and thinking that what happened was my fault because I misled the men and was not good enough and not what they needed. It's all a massive intertwined trauma response and it's all so messed up and disconnected thanks to the dissociative barriers I threw up but mediated through the same one body.

It was a big painful realization but now that i see it I can start to fix it.

I also realized I have a runner. I don't know if it is DID or not but I have a part of me that runs away and doesn't come back. And then eventually another runs and another.

[Not Alone]

Today is good and other days this week I have clawed my face and left marks. Especially the shame has been overwhelming and the feeling of being an utterly empty nonhuman. 

My heart hurts to hear about your shame and feeling nonhuman. You are a precious, valuable, beautiful person.

I don't know if the parts that run away can hear this, but I'd like to offer kindness and care. Knowing some of the bad that happened to you, running makes sense.

[Armee]

They heard. They heard you more than they would ever hear me and they wanted to cry and come back.

[Not Alone]

This brought tears to my eyes. The picture immediately came to my mind of me on my knees with my arms open wide to welcome them. If it feels safe, I'd like to share that image and the caring feelings that go with it.

[Armee]

Thank you. It feels safe for me but they seem to feel too much shame and can't turn their faces.

Sometimes they come back and stay like an old friend passing through and then they just disappear. It's especially prevalent and noticeable with the musician.

Thank you for your care Not Alone and for talking to them. I haven't been able to be in touch with my parts.

[Snowdrop]

Seeing the damage is hard and painful, Armee. What you went through was such an awful betrayal. As you say, seeing it is on the path to fixing it.

I'm glad you felt better yesterday.

It makes a lot of sense that there are parts who run away. I get it. I'd like to offer them care and compassion if that feels OK.

[sanmagic7]

armee, wish i could have been here more.  your runners break my heart, but i'm also on my knees, arms wide and welcoming if they ever need an extra place of comfort and care.  love and hugs