[Papa Coco]

Armee,

I'm so glad you share so well on this forum. Maybe it feels like your trauma voices aren't able to say kind things to yourself, but you have a lot of loving, honest friends on this forum who will speak to those parts on your behalf. And the people on this forum have a great deal of respect for you. I'm glad you can hear us when we tell you that, because it's true.

Even as a very young man, long before I knew I was dealing with trauma, and back when I just assumed I was weak and frail and broken from birth, I used the compliments of others to speak for me. While I was absolutely certain that I was nothing but trash, but others told me I was a good person, I used to say them, "I don't feel it, but I trust you, and you say I'm a good person, so...if you say it, I believe it."

That sentiment carried me for a long time until I was finally able to start saying nice things to myself about myself. Today I'm still not super good at loving myself, but I do gain great support when people who I do respect, respect me back. So, when we, your friends, tell you how much respect we have for you, I hope you are able to hang onto those words.  You know us empathetic fawns, when we say we love you, we don't use those words lightly.

This is one way that we C-PTSD folks are stronger when we stick together.

Your kindness and intelligence are right up there with the best of the best. Let our honest evaluations of your greatness as a caring human and a caring healer, carry you until you can begin to feel these truths from within yourself. Your parts can't run too far. And they WANT to be your friend. They're just scared and confused right now. Every part within us really has our best interest at heart. How they behave may seem abandoning, but they're trying to give us what they believe we need to feel safe. They come back when we're ready. We're the captain of the whole ship and they really are trying to help, even when it feels like they're not.

In all the honesty there is in the universe, I'm saying you are freaking AWESOME. I know you're a healer because I've received a lot of healing from you over the past year, and I'll never forget any of it.

We're stronger together.

 

[Armee]

 

Thanks Papa Coco. It's still such a threatening thing for someone to tell me something good about myself. T has pointed out that it's a little disrespectful to not believe the people I love and trust and respect when they say these types of things about me. He used different words but that's the essence. It's just this particular trigger is so intense. That someone thinks something good about me but its not true or true enough and when they find out the truth I'm going to get hurt. I don't know how to fix it. Normal methods don't work. Maybe EMDR. But when we go there it jumps to the r* immediately, which is fine but it's all tangled and slow and somehow last week we unintentionally ended up in a part of my brain that seems to be SA at 5 or 6 but I don't know about it yet. Maybe psilocybin or hypnosis. I wonder if hypnosis can work without imagery.

Thank you for the words. They sink in a little. It's less threatening here than in real life. I'm not sure how to think about being the captain of my own ship because it's the captain that keeps running and getting replaced by a new captain. I think my desire to be helpful though is some core kernel in whoever is the captain. 

Thank you again though your kind words have gotten through and I need all your support as T was gone 2 weeks over the holidays and again for a month now till mid-February.

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs, Armee. We're here for you.

if you feel like the captain image doesn't work for you, here's a military truism: The commanding officer may be in charge, but it's really the 2nd in command who gets stuff done. LOL

Regardless, we got your back and believe you can do this.

[Armee]

Hah Sage that's awesome and something I can work with. Like the captain is passed out napping or something and the second in command changes every so often. One day the actual captain will wake up. Maybe the captain is uttering a few commands between naps to keep the ship upright.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Armee]

A few good days in a row. The shame monster has been reasonably quiet. Low grade shame all the time but not that all consuming drowning darkness that made me feel my very core was just made of shame. I haven't been having flashbacks, and with T gone till midFeb I can settle a bit and know new stuff isn't likely to be stirred up.

Without all this internal drama life feels slower...almost boring but in a nice way.

Also I'm having a good hair day which is rare for me with my semifrizzy graying hair that I don't color. And I made a killer coffee cake last night. So good and buttery. And I spent time with a dear friend today. And my daughter has cleared out of her funk. Which is honestly probably why everything else has mellowed for me. Not that she caused that shame pit, that was all me, but her moods kept me from being able to settle at all. Plus when I have to establish boundaries as part of parenting it triggers me. I still do it, but it gets me into the "all my fault I'm bad everyone can tell it's me that's messed up" frame of mind.

So phew. A sigh of relief. I can breathe for a little bit. I know it won't last because I know the deep underlying issues are not yet healed but having these breaks let's me gather strength and know what I'm aiming for.

[Blueberry]

 

[Not Alone]

 

[Papa Coco]

I'm glad to hear you're finding some emotional relief these past few days.  Enjoy!

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs, Armee.  Glad you're having this bit of a breather and can enjoy it.

[Hope67]

Hi Armee,
Reading what you wrote, it made me feel mellow myself, it's lovely to hear that you've got some more mellow and calming moments and can enjoy those.  That is so nice and special and I'm sending you a hug 
Hope 

[Armee]

Thank you for all your support in good times too..

I figured out a little trick. Sometimes I can't figure out how to make a decision when I don't know what to do. This happened a couple times last week and I get pretty distressed because in my head I can't figure out a way out. This seems so simple but I didn't know.

Writing down all my viable options really helped. But also what I had to do was find the distressing thought in my head and identify and name it and put it at the top of my options. Like "no matter what I do I will feel guilty" and "no matter what I do i will feel ashamed." Those were the thoughts keeping me blocked because I kept trying to find a solution that got around those feelings. But there weren't any. I had to just accept that.

One of those things was needing to return a cello I've had from before covid but not wanting to face the teacher who rented it to me (but cancelled the autopay at the beginning of covid). It's all tied up in trauma triggers and dissociation and embarrassment and shame because I got triggered and dissociated and it's related to music but I don't yet understand why but playing piano for people is my biggest badest trigger and I have no idea what happened to make that so. All I know is other triggers now make sense once I admitted the hotel thing. This one doesn't and doesn't fit at all. It's much more than performance anxiety. I'm pretty sure something bad happened and I have a few scenarios that would fit but like the hotel thing I don't have the full story. Just some sketchy situations that involve men and pianos.

But I worked up the courage to arrange to return the cello and the guy is just the sweetest. He ended up sending me home with a different cello that belonged to someone special that he is trying to find a good home for. He tried to ask me what happened and I simply couldn't answer. I know it's so confusing to see on the outside and embarrassing to let others see. But now some of that shame is gone and I can go back to trying to learn cello again and will likely buy this cello from him. Then if I hightail it and run away I at least won't be eaten up by guilt for having his instrument. He also wants to teach me to repair them. We started that before, when the government was shutdown for a long time. He's a good healing presence for me if I can just hang on thru triggers and shame.

I had been thinking of trying to find a music therapist but a bunch of them work more with people who are physically sick or have dementia, not with mental illness so much.

I got defensive with H last night and had some bits of shame and worthlessness but I think it's OK.

[sanmagic7]

still w/ you, armee, even when i'm MIA.  hang tough, my dear, ok?  love and hugs

[CrackedIce]

Hey Armee, love that trick!  I often find myself stalling / disassociating when faced with large tasks, and making a list of a breakdown of tasks always helps me, but I love the idea of also naming the thought(s) associated with the task - get them down on paper, name them, make them concrete things you can address instead of nebulous issues floating around in your head.  Definitely going to try it next time!

I've definitely had anxiety about contacting people I've fallen out of touch with.  I'm glad it sounds like he was understanding and supportive and happy to get back in touch with you.  I've found more often than not we make the re-contact a bigger issue in our minds than it needs to be

Hope you have a good week!

[Papa Coco]

Hi Armee,

I have to confess I didn't know music therapy existed until only Sunday of this week. I think it would be a very great thing. I hope you can find a music therapist somewhere near you that works with trauma and mental/emotional issues.

The man you rented the cello from sounds like our kind of guy. Kind and supportive. An Earth Angel of sorts. I'm excited to hear you may be getting back into lessons, and also cello-repair lessons. I'm a big fan of the arts for people of trauma. I often see us C-PTSD survivors of narcissistic FOOs as those people who put a piece of black tape over their mouths for photos. When our ability to communicate and feel like we belong is taken from us by our abusive pasts, the arts can often become our voice. The arts also provide us with a sense of peace and grounding when the world around us feels chaotic.

I am no stranger to analysis paralysis. When it's time to make decisions, I feel incompetent at it. We who were raised in Narcissistic environments were either punished for making our own decisions or humiliated when those decisions turned out to bring unintended consequences. It's not fair. Everyone but us was allowed to make mistakes.

I'm sorry to hear that playing piano brings EFs. I hope that the cello can reconnect you to the amazing healing power of music. I envy musicians. I always wanted to be one, but the entire world of music was forbidden. Today, the EFs are so strong when I try to learn anything, from piano to harmonica to ukelele, the emotional flashbacks just make me angry and frustrated. So, when beautiful souls like you and some of my other friends are able to enjoy making music, I feel especially happy for you.

I'm glad you have music. I hope the cello brings you peace and grounding as the crazy world around us churns.