[Armee]

My relationship with music is very similar to yours, Papa Coco. I love music but playing and learning is emotionally very painful and triggering. For similar reasons as your and others too. I was ridiculed by my mom. I was told not to play when she was home it was too loud or she couldn't hear the news or whatever. And then when I got good from practicing a lot (luckily she was a tax accountant so her hours outside the home were very very long) then she wanted me to perform on command for her which I wouldn't do.

There are also elements of Dissociative Disorder in there too where sometimes I can play, and sometimes I have literally no clue how to string notes together. And if even someone safe asks me to play for them the whole brain shuts down. I can't play. I can't move my arms. I can't find the music in the book, nothing works. When I was taking bass clarinet lessons to try again with music a year ago I could play songs at home pretty well,  but couldn't make even a sound come out in lessons and had no idea how to work the dang thing. So sadly, no music does not really bring me joy. And yet also I love it. It is a painful dichotomy.

But I do believe this sweet earth angel has the ability to help me. As long as I stick to cello. He tried to get me to play a few notes on a new baby grand piano he adopted from someone who's wife died and wanted to give to me lol but that offer "do you want to try playing a few keys?" sent terror through me and I refused.

Ugh. If I understood what was going on I could get rid of it. I know that because it has worked for other things that I finally got insight into...like getting up and bathing and putting on makeup at 1-2AM every night. Once I realized the connection and why it was happening...poof like magic, it doesn't happen anymore.

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs Armee. I agree, listening to/enjoying music is often very different from playing/performing. I'm glad you can enjoy the cello. I've always loved their sound. Hoping you'll be able to make the connections soon so your enjoyment can expand.   

[sanmagic7]

i agree w/ CF, armee. here's to making connections that make sense and help ease the pain.  love and hugs

[Armee]

 

Thanks San and Sage. 

I talked to a music therapist today and have a first appointment next Tuesday. I had so much anxiety just talking to her. I mean I connected well, just the subject is so inexplicably difficult for me. But I think this will be the right space for me to work through it. It could get a little complicated but hopefully in a helpful way that much is intertwined with what I will be working on with my regular therapist. I hope that doesn't get awkward.

[Blueberry]

  I have stuff going on with music too. When I had singing lessons, I needed to be able to take breaks and praise my little BBs - the way you might with a small child - before I could take more on board or even continue. My instructor wasn't a therapist tho.

So hope this new T works with you in a helpful way Armee!

[sanmagic7]

music can be so potent, armee, and important when it comes to feelings.  some things just need music to portray their depth and intensity.  i hope this music T is helpful to you w/ all this - kind, gentle, patient.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Dear Armee,
Music is such a potent thing - and I really hope your appointment on Tuesday will be ok, and that you'll find it meets the things you want to achieve. 
 
Hope 

[Papa Coco]

Armee,

I'm very excited to hear about your first music therapy session. I'm glad you found someone who has an opening for you.

I hope you are able to let go of yourself when the music starts. Absorb yourself into the calming vibrations of the music and the cello. To me it sounds like a visit to euphoria for a few hours.

Being the hand that holds the instrument that's accessing the songs and bringing them to life in the real world just seems like it would be a wonderful experience. A spiritual experience.

Enjoy!

[Armee]

Thank you Papa Coco, San, and Hope.

So another turn of events of this week.. the cello teacher who sent me home with another cello when I returned the one I had been holding onto from shame but not playing...he then foisted a baby grand piano on me. It is very large and the only space is out in the main part of the house and it is very loud. But it's right where I see it and harder to ignore during those inevitable stretches when I want nothing to do with music. It required me lot of moving stuff around to get it to fit and my husband has been very kind and understanding. It was a very rushed thing because the teacher needed to get rid of it with just a couple days notice. I'm not 100% sure how I feel about it. But for now, it lives here.

So aside from that.. I did have one music therapy session. At first we sat in two chairs. And she started off just looking at me and saying nothing and I was like "oh crap not one of those therapists!!!!" But she picked up on my discomfort pretty quickly and started leading the conversation within maybe 30 seconds.

I felt like a little kid as she took me around on the floor to introduce me to all the varied instruments and noisemakers and drums she has there and had me try each one. I realized how very afraid I am to make any noise at all or large movements. I told her I wanted to just work on rhythm work with her first. She started out too complicated and open with her keeping a beat and asking me to fill in with anything but then I asked to simplify it even more and just have me copy very simple beats. That was enough. It did feel like there was more emotion under the surface being there. A different feel than with my main therapist. We didn't talk about history or anything so I know she'll go slow.

She asked about breathwork and somatic work. I felt really stupid though trying to describe why I've done a little but not a lot.. too triggering.

That reminds me that every week I am still doing the trauma informed yoga program. It's been really good, really really good. Its online and designed for complex trauma. I didn't realize until today that it is the same program that is mentioned in the Body Keeps the Score. No wonder they truly get it.

My main t comes back from a month-long vacation and I resume with him Tuesday. I've felt really really good the past few weeks. I don't know if I've turned a big corner in healing...I think I have...or if it's just having a break from this work. But I have been feeling like I have all the hours in my day. Time is going so slow. I have time to do everything. Time is not disappearing. It's such a different feeling. But before he left we ended up running up into the likely yucky stuff from quite young. So we'll see what happens. At least I have this sense now of how spacious time can feel and will maybe have better control over how deep I let myself go into trauma work versus maintaining daily life.

I know though how much better I feel after having processed and worked through the hotel thing. I'm not done but I think I've managed to give myself what I most needed there and I feel like I have finally emerged on the other side of it.

Oh, I also sent a letter to the family I nannied for to feel out what they remember from my time with them. I don't know if i found the right address. I don't know what will come of this. But it felt like something I could do. I didn't say anything about the grandfather's role and just talked about it as something that happened at the neighboring hotel.

Sorry that was a lot. Hi.

[natureluvr]

Armee, I hear you saying you are having some powerful emotions, but are not fully connected to them on all levels of your being.  Perhaps writing about them here is helping you to be more fully connected to them.  I'm glad you have a T that you feel safe with. 

[Papa Coco]

Armee

Thanks for the detailed update. I appreciate being included in your experiences with all of it. There is a nice sense of forward momentum in the post. Having life slow down to the point that you have time to do everything that needs to be done is great.  Even though the piano in your living room is a double-edged blessing, I am envious. I can't learn piano because of a mental block. But I could listen to a good pianist all day long.

I respect your stress around Music Therapy session 1. I can feel it with you as you write about it. I hope to hear that by session 3 the mixed emotions start to feel better. Time will tell.

[Armee]

Thank you Naturlover. For sure, connecting to emotions is where my next level of work is. That was very insightful of you to say.

Thanks Papa Coco. There is forward momentum right now. I wish I could trust it would stay but I know CPTSD is a roller coaster. But I'm stacking the deck in my favor by having trauma professionals in the mix. Instead of turning to music lessons this time, I'm using a music therapist who can handle the fear and dissociation so when they happen I don't have to run away from music in shame. The yoga class is deeply trauma informed so I can sit there frozen and still be proud I attended and learn something, even if it us...wow moving my arms even an inch from my body is STILL really triggering and caused me to freeze for 20 minutes. And I've even put myself on the waiting list for someone who developed a trauma informed personal training (like exercise) certification to help me get over this 5 year stretch of being physically inactive. I've realized the importance of working with people who understand. Otherwise I end up triggered and then run and run for at least a year from whatever activity I was trying to get back into.

But all these things are the result of finally digging out of my hole enough to be able to see over the edge and to want to call for help to climb out. I think I'm at the rebuilding stage finally. I fully expect the hole to cave back in but perhaps I can at least partially crawl out before it does so it is easier to dig my way out again when it does.

It's an amazing feeling to not be spaced out all the time. I'm getting a lot done. Oh that wicked trauma brain just reminded me....watch out. You sound manic this might be bipolar like your mom. Shh brain. It's not. I'm healing.

[CactusFlower]

Healing is awesome! Congrats on being able to see a pattern AND how to navigate it. It's wonderful that you are finding the appropriate people you need for the right kinds of help. May this continue! Gentle hugs!

[Papa Coco]

Armee,

I'm very grateful for how informative you've been about the things you've been exploring, like Music Therapy, rather than music lessons, and yoga with trauma-wise instructors. These are things I hadn't really known about before. I read what you write and I start wanting to research these kinds of things in my city also.

The practitioners, coaches, therapists, teachers, etc., in our world who are becoming trauma-sensitive are a new and wonderful thing. They're opening these activities up for us too, helping us learn despite our EFs.

My new Hypnotherapist/spiritual healer/trauma therapist, is offering some group sessions in April where she is going to teach some helpful yoga techniques.  I tried Yoga once and left feeling like I'd just been re-humiliated in a junior high PE class with another bad PE teacher. I've never tried it since. Too triggering! Your report that yoga can now be taught by people who understand trauma, well...that's great news for me. Perhaps I'll take Amy up on her April group sessions.

And it brings me great pleasure to read that you're successfully digging out of your hole and seeing over the edge. I am sending you all the love I can that the hole never cave back in, and that the progress you've been making these past few years is sticking. This new wave of trauma-sensitive helpers in the world is something to keep pursuing, for both you and myself. Sometimes when we move forward, we really don't slide back, certainly not as far as all the way back to the beginning. I have faith that your progress is, to some monumental degree, permanent forward progress.

 

[Armee]

I had similar experiences with yoga, Papa Coco. Actually the three men breathing loudly around me left me shaking violently and crying and very perplexed, until 3.5 years later when I connected it to the 3 men in the hotel.

Consider trying this....https://jri.org/get-involved/tctsy-classes. Its the yoga program that was created with Bessel Van Der Kolk. Online, cameras off. Donation based.