Thank you for the warm sunshine and hugs Larry. Hope, and San.

Blueberry, thank you for the encouragement on parts work. I'm afraid it will blow me further apart instead of making me more integrated. Like as soon as I lower the walls and make it OK to talk like that, about parts, that everyone has, that the full scale of what's going on inside will blow out. And like, get worse I guess. And I'll feel more crazy instead of more normal. Like you take parts work for some people it seems to make them feel more normal, like "oh yeah its normal for me to have an angry part, it doesn't mean I AM angry. I just have an angry part." It feels different. Like "oh we're talking about parts now? Well there's this part, and that part and this one and this one here and haha look hey we can operate your body without your control and consent, and we can make you say things you don't even know about." Yeah so that sounds and feels crazy just writing it here. And that's the tip of the old iceberg. Ugh.
Papa Coco, thank you for your kind and encouraging words that give me the permission to keep sharing. I often feel like I shouldn't and am too much so your words help me put it to ease a little because, well, you know us fawn types well. If I can help someone else, the way you helped me by sharing so openly.
------
Yesterday was frustrating. I was completely dissociated most of the day. It followed a night where I did really well and had no flashbacks. Slept well. No shaking or fear. All I can think to explain what happened is if i suppressed parts' fears and experiences so bad that there was a major backlash. I wanted to be ok, and I was surprised but really happy and encouraged I was OK, and then wham. I couldn't move, I couldn't feel the lower half of my body, I just layer curled up in bed awake but completely zoned out for 3.5 hrs in the morning after dropping off kids. I finally forced myself out of bed to walk the dog. I just don't understand how I could have felt so very fine and then without any warning just crash.