[Armee]

Well, my therapist has now seen the light on working with parts. I have been avoiding parts work for a few reasons, mostly because I think it is pretty likely I have DID or almost DID and I'd love to keep that under wraps. I trust him though very much and we work well together so I will tiptoe on in. We started mapping some parts that were coming up just in the course of trying to work out what to work on today. At one point I looked at his paper with these parts written out and from the depths of my brain came a whispered "uh-oh." It slipped right out and I fell over on the bench and laughed hysterically. I'll attribute the "uh-oh" to a young part because at 3 years old i did not speak any words other than 2 phrases:  "monster bite me" and "uh-oh s'ghettio."

Trigger warning SA

I've finally gotten to a pretty calm and processed place about the gang rape. And now both this session and the prior one stuff is popping up unexpectedly from when I was 5. Just like with the gang rape I seem to both know and not know at the same time, except now I've been through this and know deep down to trust what is coming up. Which makes it less torturous but also harder to willingly step into.

[Blueberry]

I like to read that you are 'tiptoeing' in to parts work. You're being brave and careful.

I didn't read quite all the TW stuff, but from what I did read, there's obviously progress going on in you, well, you are making the progress. 

[Papa Coco]

Armee,

This sounds really wonderful. I like how you're willing to move forward, but not forcing yourself to move too quickly. And the "uh oh" story is a beautiful moment of your memories connecting with present day. The fact that you're listening to, and responding to, your inner voices and inner parts is a model for me to follow with my own parts. To me, it feels like you are handling this healing at exactly the right pace for you.

I believe that all of our parts love us and do everything they do in an attempt to help us in the only way they each know how to. So by listening to the little Uh Oh of the 3-5 year-old you, it feels to me like you're accepting her love for you.

Your healing journey has been beautiful for me to follow during these posts.

Again, thank you for sharing the stories with us. We learn from each other. Your successes and reactions are helpful for me to read about as I explore many of the same things.

We're stronger together.

 

[sanmagic7]

 

[Armee]

I feel shaky and spacey today.

[Hope67]

Hi Armee,
Sending you a hug 

Hope 

[Larry]

Hi Armee,   sending some sunshine,   

[Armee]

Thank you for the warm sunshine and hugs Larry. Hope, and San. 

Blueberry, thank you for the encouragement on parts work. I'm afraid it will blow me further apart instead of making me more integrated. Like as soon as I lower the walls and make it OK to talk like that, about parts, that everyone has, that the full scale of what's going on inside will blow out. And like, get worse I guess. And I'll feel more crazy instead of more normal. Like you take parts work for some people it seems to make them feel more normal, like "oh yeah its normal for me to have an angry part, it doesn't mean I AM angry. I just have an angry part." It feels different.  Like "oh we're talking about parts now? Well there's this part, and that part and this one and this one here and haha look hey we can operate your body without your control and consent, and we can make you say things you don't even know about." Yeah so that sounds and feels crazy just writing it here. And that's the tip of the old iceberg. Ugh.

Papa Coco, thank you for your kind and encouraging words that give me the permission to keep sharing. I often feel like I shouldn't and am too much so your words help me put it to ease a little because, well, you know us fawn types well. If I can help someone else, the way you helped me by sharing so openly.

------

Yesterday was frustrating. I was completely dissociated most of the day. It followed a night where I did really well and had no flashbacks. Slept well. No shaking or fear. All I can think to explain what happened is if i suppressed parts' fears and experiences so bad that there was a major backlash. I wanted to be ok, and I was surprised but really happy and encouraged I was OK, and then wham. I couldn't move, I couldn't feel the lower half of my body, I just layer curled up in bed awake but completely zoned out for 3.5 hrs in the morning after dropping off kids. I finally forced myself out of bed to walk the dog. I just don't understand how I could have felt so very fine and then without any warning just crash. 

[Blueberry]

Thinking of you Armee

[Not Alone]

I just don't understand how I could have felt so very fine and then without any warning just crash.

I sounds like a lot is being stirred up and opening up.

[Hope67]

Hi Armee,
I am sending you a hug of support   
Hope 

[Hope67]

Hi again Armee,
Just to say that the Trauma Conference is going to be allowing access to all the talks tomorrow - as they'd had some technical difficulties, and therefore they're going to show them all - so there's a chance to see any you didn't get chance to see.  I'm hoping to have some time tomorrow to have a look.
Hope 

[Papa Coco]

Hey Armee,

I'm sorry to hear about your day of frustration, after a night of EF-free sleep. I can't begin to imagine what caused that in you but know that I know what those days feel like. I have them often also.

I hope the anxiety wanes away soon.

 

[sanmagic7]

hey, armee, just want to let you know that i've purposely shied away from parts work.  for some reason it also feels like it would be overwhelming, and my regular stuff is overwhelming enough for me.  i once talked to my T about it, but she never pressed it for me, so we never got into it.  i think that's why i began my NN - it just makes more sense to me, more controllable, more comfortable to raise my child self in a way that would circumvent the 'parts' that others speak of.  and i'm able to play out all the scenarios of my childhood in a way that is clicking for me, propelling me forward in a healthy way, and allowing all my childhood parts to become what they needed at the time.

i don't know - parts work may not be for everyone, just like anything else.  i think it's ok for you to decide and choose.  that dissociation period you spoke of must mean something, like you're being emotionally overwhelmed and your mind can't function around it.  maybe just for now, maybe for a period of time.  listen to your body, ok?  it's giving you important messages.  love and a hug filled w/ clarity.

[Armee]

Thank you San for saying this. I needed to hear this, whether I follow it or not, to be reminded the power to decide is in my hands and I get to choose how I heal. T does always put it as my choice. But you know how these things go.  I'll listen to my body as you suggest. The dissociation was around intimacy. I just thought I was fine. These delayed reactions get me.

Thank you Papa Coco, Hope, Not Alone, and Blueberry for your support and empathy. Thanks Hope for letting me know about the extra free day.