emotional dreams

[stilltrying]

I've been having a lot of dreams that are filled with emotions. Deep emotions that I perhaps stop myself from feeling.
Before it was the guilt and missing of my FOO. Feeling sorry for them. Needing to help, getting anxious and worried about them. All things i stopped doing a few years ago and its like my system was still programmed to do that so didn't stop feeling those things..so it came out in my dreams.
And now its some of the fantasy thinking i used to do a lot with regards to relationships. I stopped indulging in this too, once i realised how much it leads to missing red flags and generally bad outcomes.
Again, its like my system hasn't fully caught on that 'we won't be using this coping mechanisms anymore' and is dying to do them whenever i feel bad or empty.....like how i always used to as a kid, and it almost feels betrayed that i reject this coping mechanism?! So then it happens in my dreams. Fantasy romantic partnerships. It feels so real and nice and then when i wake up, i feel so triggered, and lost, and not in control anymore. And worried that my nervous system will never get into the habit of recognising anything else other than the dysfunctional habits, as coping strategies.

I'm trying to apply the things i learnt in therapy. To go lovingly towards these dreams and to thank them for guiding me towards whats going on inside, with processing. I think its because ive recently started approaching dating very differently - and it certainly isn't easy to go to what feels most natural (attraction to many red flagged men) and to be honest, it feels annoying, weird, odd, and like the sparkly fun of attraction has been taken out of it. I hate even saying this. I think i havent yet fully figured out when im not attracted to someone because they genuinely are not a good match, versus not having the initial attraction because they are healthy and not what im used to - something i know can be common when meeting people who arent toxic after its all we're used to. I was on an extremely boring and awkward date, the guy did not have good social awareness skills, and i reasoned i should give him a chance and sat through a very tedious second date before getting annoyed with myself and thinking, i can also trust myself to recognise when im not having a good time.
Healthy may mean not what we're used to, but it shouldn't also mean tediously boring, difficult and lacking any commanlities.

These things all sound so obvious but ive found as im treading the murky waters of recovery, its the little things like this that we need to unlearn and -relearn and it will take some trial and error. Such as abandoning old ideas of love and fantasies, and giving guys a chance who aren't the usual type to trigger a spark. But then questions will be raised - what then is the difference for us between a spark not being triggered because they're healthy versus because they're just incompatible? I.e. learning to trust myself, and my own decision-making and intuition.
Its difficult. Some of the wiring still needs redoing.
And in the meantime, it feels like my brain has so many new things with being challenged, ordered to do things differently to what worked as a child, that its getting overwhelmed and confused and sleep is the only time i leave it alone to bring up whatever.

Sigh. this might not even make much sense, im rambling a lot.