Abandonment as a Threat (TW)

[CactusFlower]

So.... I'm working on some abandonment issues due to some memories that came up. The male parental unit (so called because that person does not deserve the title of father or dad) was in the Air Force and we moved around almost every year. I'm remembering now that he would use abandonment as a threat for compliance, and it's hitting really hard. (As well as explaining some habits I have.) I also feel I haven't even uncovered all of it, but I try not to force memories. On the one hand, I'm slightly relieved that there is an explanation for things, but OTOH, I dread each moment that comes to light. They usually come with EFs bad enough that I lose time and come back to myself crying.  Without going into details about the threats themselves, I can now see where they affected me in the following ways:

• impulse shopping - if you don't get it now, you never will.
• collecting - having lots of "stuff" now, where before, I had to choose what to keep to ship to the next place we went.
• at the same time, rarely allowing myself to get attached enough to a physical thing that I can't let it go if I have to.
• the fact that I'm 51 and have really only lived alone in my life for about 2 years.
• the huge fear of being alone somewhere with no help in sight.
• having control over/not letting my possessions be taken by anyone. (I was an only child, so I didn't have to learn to share or borrow.)

etc, etc. That's it, I just felt the need to post this, but it felt like too specific a topic for just my journal area.

[Papa Coco]

Hi Catcusflower,

I'm sorry to hear you're being hit up by EFs. I'm kind of in the same boat, so I'm glad you're sharing with us. My EFs are on high attack. I feel a lot of "out of control" right now too. Not sleeping. Heart racing. Dreams of being forced back into my FOO or my schooldays again. Like you, I don't know why these EFs chose to hit me now. I didn't ask for them. I have a theory or two, but nothing concrete. Currently I'm not losing time, but the Holiday season is always difficult for me, and that season is just beginning, so time loss will likely happen to me too in coming weeks. It always does.

I think you're wise to not try and force the memories. No need to push them. For me they come back on their own when I've accepted my EF's enough that my brain thinks I'm ready to safely remember what it's been protecting me from. Until then, I call what you and I are going through now "a storm" that just comes over me when it darn well wants to and stays until it's darn well ready to leave. I may or may not know what's driving the storm, but I know I'll get through it. Sharing my distress with friends who understand trauma the way we do on this forum brings me comfort. I used to be totally alone with these EFs so they were far more terrifying when I thought I was the only person in the world who had them.

I sincerely hope sharing with the forum brings you some comfort also, and again, thank you for sharing this today.

[rainydiary]

Oh Sage, I appreciate you opening this topic.  My male parent was also in the Air Force and I moved a lot growing up too.  He also loved to throw how easily it would be to kick me out in my face. 

I've been reliving the time when I had to move between my junior and senior year of high school.  I was having a difficult time adjusting to the move and said something about it to him while we were in the car.  I don't even know what I said or what we were doing or anything anymore, but the next thing I know, he stops the car and tells me to get out. 

Thinking about it just now, I wonder why I did it.  What would he have done if I hadn't gotten out?  But it was cruel.  I was in need of support and because my need for support woke up whatever issues he had/still has he wasn't at all able to help me out. 

I know why I didn't stand up to him.  About 6 years ago, I had gone to visit him as one of his parents was dying.  My female parent was being a huge pain and stirring the pot like she does.  I started crying when he called me a name for some reason and I told my female parent to not touch me while I was crying.  We were driving on the high way and I could feel how much he wanted to shove me out of the car.  That was a huge wake up call to the danger I felt as a child growing up...and that he would still do that to me as an adult was also a wake up call. 

My worries and preoccupations around being abandoned have been on my mind lately.  I see my parents' fear as a source of why they acted like such jerks and how I carry that fear with me. 

My coping with this looks like buying stuff and never being attached.  It looks like refusing friendship and assuming there will be a day my husband leaves for good.  It looks like "calling it a day" around 4 or so.  I don't know why evenings are so difficult but they are. 

I appreciate the chance to share these stories here as I'm not sure I've written those out before. 

[Dante]

I too cope with this by never being attached.  I have so little stuff that if my family said "good luck, you're done", I could just say "OK" and be out the door in under 5 minutes.  I have to fight against projecting that to them, because I know they wouldn't do that.  I also moved around a lot when I was younger, and each time, got rid of more and more until what I have left could probably fit on my back.  Yep, neglect and abandonment was a crucial part of my upbringing, and not having many safe friends for very long that I could turn to.

[rainydiary]

Dante, I appreciate you sharing your experience.  I am currently re-reading Pete Walker's book and when he mentions feeling anger toward this, it makes more sense to me now.  I am finding that I am calling out my parents more in my mind and feeling how helpless I was.  It still hurts though and I do wonder how much of my current life is shaped by me trying to manage feeling abandonment.

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, Rainy, for sharing. I'm sorry you went through that. At the same time, it's kind of oddly relieving a little to know I wasn't the only one to experience it. Does that make sense?

Mine was a bit more covert. Male Parental Unit (MPU) never did that stuff in front of mom. A lot of his overt actions and threats happened when she was out of the house. When she was home, it was the gaslighting and "I'm the disciplining parent" so people would think he was just a concerned dad and crap. She didn't work, being a military wife back then, maybe volunteered here and there on bases. But he certainly used that time that she had to go shopping or other errands to his advantage.

Sometimes it makes me very angry, thinking I was my own person, to see just how much what he did and said have influenced the way I think and act today. I sometimes wonder what I would have been like if I'd had a decent MPU. How much stronger and independent might I have been without the voice in my head (not literally) making me do anything to keep from being left?

[Bermuda]

Emotional flashbacks can be difficult. I think it's good that you are reflecting on these things though.

I also have a similar experience, though I seem to have reacted very differently. Instead I live like I have to carry my things away at any moment.

I also lived with the threats and control. They often came out quite jokingly, although I always knew they were not a joke. "The moment you turn 18, you're gone." It reads like foreshadowing now. Or things like, "If you don't do your chores, I will throw out everything you have." Which did happen, several times, despite me always doing my chores.

It's almost like my lack of attachment to my primary not-care-givers manifested itself in every other aspect of my life. Things, objected, make me feel swallowed and unsafe.

Sometimes I wonder how it is that so many of our emotionally negligent, hurtful, abusive, and often narcissistic not-care-givers ended up with the exact same methods, and often the exact same words and actions. Do they all train together at some kind of Hate Camp? How can people be so cruel?

[rainydiary]

Sage, I am grateful to know that sharing my experience landed ok.  I often worry that I shouldn't have shared. 

I appreciate you mentioning that things were more covert for you as I am noticing that things with my Female Parent were more covert and I don't always see how she hurt me just as much but in a different way.  It is so tricky when folks do things that seem off and make you question yourself.  That is so confusing.

Today I was thinking about this topic and I remembered another time where I experienced abandonment but this time from my Female Parent.  We went on a bus tour of another country that was about a week long.  I tried sitting by her and she wouldn't let me.  I'm not sure if she thought she would end up with her own seat, but it hurt.  And then we both ended up sitting by people we didn't know.  I never recognized this as feeling abandoned until recently.  She did similar things in other situations and I am seeing how her version of abandoning me wasn't as obvious when my Male Parent's was so obvious. 

Bermuda - I often wonder about how all of our not-care-givers (I appreciate this label) learned all these hurtful ways. 

[Kizzie]

You know it never occurred to me to what extent being the child of a military member might have added to abandonment issues.  My F was Air Force but also Military Police to boot so there's that. 

On top of my parents' issues though all the moving meant I (we) never had a stable place to call home either in our families or in terms of geographic location.  When you move all the time you have to abandon physical security and friends, school, things that provide consistency, stability.

Sorry don't want to derail this thread Rainy, it just popped up as I read the thread how much being in an already emotionally abandoning family that moves all the time adds to our sense of abandonment. We can't get attached because we will move in a year or two or three and will have to abandon/leave behind a lot. 

[CactusFlower]

Rainy - you're right, those subtle things can hurt just as much. We might not consciously register them as abandonment, but they are, even in small increments. *hug* I wouldn't at all be surprised if that was a generational trauma. How many times have we all heard someone say something like "oh, my family isn't that touchy-feely"? They learned it from their parents, no doubt.

Kizzie - wow, I'm fascinated by the amount of military dependents we are finding by these discussions. I agree that the constant having to leave people and things is harmful in the long run. You know how you get those computer security questions or icebreakers of "What street did you live on as a child?" "What is the name of your elementary school?" etc.?  I don't remember any details like that.  Street name... Like, in which country, you know?  And hugs if you want them. I can't imagine how being an MP compounded the issues beyond just being Air Force.

[Blueberry]

On top of my parents' issues though all the moving meant I (we) never had a stable place to call home either in our families or in terms of geographic location.  When you move all the time you have to abandon physical security and friends, school, things that provide consistency, stability.

Sorry don't want to derail this thread Rainy, it just popped up as I read the thread how much being in an already emotionally abandoning family that moves all the time adds to our sense of abandonment. We can't get attached because we will move in a year or two or three and will have to abandon/leave behind a lot.

:lightbulb: for me too here! My FOO was not military but my parents didn't actually want to stay in the country they immigrated to. As it turned out, I did spend three-quarters of my childhood and teen years there but internally I was always getting ready to move. It was as if I couldn't really relax and settle down into that country, because we might be moving.  idk if that makes sense, but there are quite a lot of FOO 'issues' tied in with this and I don't want to look or feel any further. But yeah, makes sense. I did feel abandoned as a child in other ways and then add this...

[Kizzie]

You know how you get those computer security questions or icebreakers of "What street did you live on as a child?" "What is the name of your elementary school?" etc.?  I don't remember any details like that.  Street name... Like, in which country, you know?

Relate 100%     I married an army guy and have moved all over with him too.  Had to sit down one day and painfully try and recount all the addresses I had for a security clearance. I say painful (and a bit scary too before I knew it was CPTSD 'swiss cheese' memory issues) because of memory gaps due to dissociation. Was there but not there half the time, something I know a lot of survivors here get.

Anyway, tks for starting this thread and I hope some of the posts are helpful for you. I know what you mean about needing to know but at the same time dreading the memories so hugs if they're a bit of comfort.

[rainydiary]

Kizzie & Sage, I appreciate the discussion of all the moving adding to the feelings of abandonment.  Just this weekend, I had this sense that no wonder I felt even more lost as a child because I had no where to be and grow and make connections that might have helped me deal with my family. 

I tried writing a timeline of my life and there are so many years I either don't know where I lived or can't remember when I moved (like what months of this year was I in Place #1 and when was I in Place #2).

It is helpful to know I am not the only military dependent here too.  My FOO had issued that predated our becoming a military family yet military life seems to have made a lot of things bigger and more of a problem than they might have been otherwise.  I often wonder if anyone in my life growing up sensed that something was off and if they would have been able to help me if I had had more time with them. 

[CactusFlower]

That's a good point, Kizzie. I think it's *very* likely that our needing help wasn't recognized because people didn't have enough time to see patterns in anyone. When the people you're around change yearly or more, it's hard.

[Dante]

Rainydiary, I really appreciate you talking about writing out a timeline.  I thought I was the only one that did that.  I have memories, but they are fragmented and don't fit together.  It's like separate lives (maybe they were separate lives through dissociation).  I can't tell you how many times I've tried to write out a timeline to figure what I was doing when, where and with whom.  In fact - YESTERDAY - I downloaded a copy of my college transcript to try to piece it together.  I've been having EFs about college, and I don't know why.  I feel like there's a piece of the puzzle that I'm missing and I'm deep obsessing with trying to figure it out.  So I downloaded my transcript and put it together in an Excel spreadsheet to try to figure things out.  The only thing I can figure out at this point is that I'm at a point in my life where I'm tired and burned out with what I'm doing and looking back in the past to see if there's some nugget I can build on to go in a new direction.  Even though everything I learned in college is either (a) long forgotten or (b) irrelevant with the passage of decades.  But thank you for sharing that - I'm so grateful I'm not the only one!