Unreal

[jamesG.1]

So... something new happened that is so off the wall, so strange and terrible that it's almost beyond reaction... but.... I can't share it, because it's in the news.

Just unreal.

It's an odd thing how sometimes tho, something new and awful removes some old and awful. It does that at least.

Determined not to let this push me over the edge tho, in fact... this has to be a line in the sand regarding fate and its dark sense of humour.

Nope, not gonna happen. I've done enough, thanks.

[Dante]

I had a sponsor once who likened my layers of hurt to layers of paint on top of lead paint.  Older houses of course had lead paint, which is bad, but simply got painted over and painted over until it's almost impossible to get rid of the lead paint without just getting rid of the house.

As I'm healing (so darn slowly!), I'm finding that those new and awful experiences (or at least newer experiences) are like painting over the lead paint.  The old and awful is still there - it wasn't removed, just painted over.  I'm trying to strip away the paint to get to the lead paint at the core to start to clean it up.  But I keep painting over it as fast as I'm peeling away layers.

Sigh.

[Armee]

Sending you lots and lots of support JamesG. Whatever is happening you are worthwhile and cared for. 

[jamesG.1]

I have a very stark choice here I think. It's maybe a bit of a sink or swim moment.

I either weather this, or I go down.

I've learned so much about trauma, and about how I prsonally react to it, for better or worse, and I have a toolkit I didn't have before. It doesnt matter how severe and horrible this is, and trust me, it really is, I can still manage it.

I'm going to start by limiting who knows about the story to the absolute bare minimum. Allies only. Work knows and are being amazing. That's something I never had before. Next I am going to use this to draw a line under the whole saga. Thing is, it doesn't matter how obscene or severe an incident may be, it's not you. As the stoics say, you can at least decide how you feel things, and how you react. Feelings are OPTIONAL.

I've been through so much, and often it's the outside expectations on how I was expected to behave or react that created this awful cognitive dissonance. It's so easy for people to stand at the sidelines like some fat football fan in the terraces, passing judgement on the performance of some ultra fit athelete who's just having an off day. So many of us in here have had to face situations that many others might never have made it through, and to add insult to that injury, we've been slated and judged for how we coped.

Not this time.

I've done enough.

There is my life, then there are the actions of others. I cannot control that, I can only control how I react and live with these stories. Yes, this is a terrible twist on an already ghastly story, but it isn't something I had any control over. It will likely be claimed I had some responsibilty, because that's what narcicists always do, but of course I didn't.

Hold the line.

[Armee]

Weather it. Weather it weather it weather it. Whatever you are going through it sounds like it is very very difficult.

We are your redwood tree root support system. We'll keep you standing and you'll do the same for us.

https://joanneeddy.com/2016/06/29/intertwining-roots-a-lesson-on-community/

[dollyvee]

I've been through so much, and often it's the outside expectations on how I was expected to behave or react that created this awful cognitive dissonance. It's so easy for people to stand at the sidelines like some fat football fan in the terraces, passing judgement on the performance of some ultra fit athelete who's just having an off day. So many of us in here have had to face situations that many others might never have made it through, and to add insult to that injury, we've been slated and judged for how we coped.

This is so true. It's incredible how things can be turned back on on you and you are left to doubt yourself. I have my own situations where its taken me years to come to a place that I can safely say it's the environment and not me, yet still judged by lots of people who are unaware or are unwilling to be aware. I know I'm right, or doing the right thing if others are not, but it's not easy. Hope you're finding support here.

[johnram]

in your words with no details, i know you, you are me and i feel you. 

I sense the strength there, and you are right, people dont understand but underneath the layer there is a strength there and a vast array of coping skills

whatever is going on now, might be hard, but just remember you have come through the worst of worst before

you can now, choose your response

thank you for sharing in the manner you have - i gain from it to

I have a very stark choice here I think. It's maybe a bit of a sink or swim moment.

I either weather this, or I go down.

I've learned so much about trauma, and about how I prsonally react to it, for better or worse, and I have a toolkit I didn't have before. It doesnt matter how severe and horrible this is, and trust me, it really is, I can still manage it.

I'm going to start by limiting who knows about the story to the absolute bare minimum. Allies only. Work knows and are being amazing. That's something I never had before. Next I am going to use this to draw a line under the whole saga. Thing is, it doesn't matter how obscene or severe an incident may be, it's not you. As the stoics say, you can at least decide how you feel things, and how you react. Feelings are OPTIONAL.

I've been through so much, and often it's the outside expectations on how I was expected to behave or react that created this awful cognitive dissonance. It's so easy for people to stand at the sidelines like some fat football fan in the terraces, passing judgement on the performance of some ultra fit athelete who's just having an off day. So many of us in here have had to face situations that many others might never have made it through, and to add insult to that injury, we've been slated and judged for how we coped.

Not this time.

I've done enough.

There is my life, then there are the actions of others. I cannot control that, I can only control how I react and live with these stories. Yes, this is a terrible twist on an already ghastly story, but it isn't something I had any control over. It will likely be claimed I had some responsibilty, because that's what narcicists always do, but of course I didn't.

Hold the line.

[jamesG.1]

Thanks all.

wish I could share the details, but I'd be putting a searchlight on me. You know how these things go.

I can and will come out of this with added strength.

As if by magic, this came up... which pretty much sums up my approach right now.

https://www.iflscience.com/brain/trauma-and-transformation-a-psychologist-on-why-difficult-experiences-can-radically-change-us/?fbclid=IwAR3KZAAnd8kau6utfcnUfDr2lZbRL0-S7HqJcVezUEO_Pai8WtDcZeK_-GA

[Dante]

You can weather whatever it is that you're going through.  If you're here, you've already survived worse.  Hang in there.

[dollyvee]

I appreciate the mediation references in the article. I'm finding something similar with my own meditation experiences. I think a lot of "new agey" things can have a spiritual bypass element in it which removes us from the real world where we don't have to do the work, but if those two things are integrated, I think it's a fantastic tool.

[Papa Coco]

James

We aren't just text on a page, we're living souls who care about each other. I hope our support online adds strength to you as you weather this traumatic event.  Most of us have been blamed for the narcissists' actions in our lives. We empathize. I sincerely hope we can help add strength to you today as you weather this.

[jamesG.1]

Thanks all... appreciated. Truly.

This is a real odd one, a grenade rolling around on a heaving deck. It's either gonna go off or it isn't. My real enemies don't know it is even happening yet I suspect.

I have a choice, I either let it swamp me or I don't. Right now I have some grace while I wait for what may be horrendous confirmation of an historic event. If that goes the way it could go, then it's going to be like opening a can of scorpions in a phone box.

Or not.

My enemies are armed only with spite and words.

I am ready.

Bring it on.

[jamesG.1]

I should make it clear, I think, that I've actually done nothing, this is just a very surreal and ghastly one in a billion twist. Sadly, it's in my story.

It will inevitably be used against me, if it's confirmed. Which it might not. The attack won't make any sense but it it will be designed to inflict as much damage as possible and will be deeply personal and broadcast far and wide.

I'm not either suprised or shocked by that sort of thing now, tho I was before. You just don't expect fighting that dirty within your own circle. I don't know why I didn't, I witnessed it endlessly, it just took me a very long time to realise how abnormal and wrong it was, sadly too late to protect the people it destroyed.

Well, not this time.

I have time to prepare and I have my support network in place.

It can only get to you IF you let it.

[Papa Coco]

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I keep checking the forum to see your updates. Keep us in the loop. I'm really hoping to hear that this blows over and misses you. Fingers are crossed for you!

[jamesG.1]

Thanks Papa Coco, much appreciated.

Let's see.

Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.