A sense of what my schizophrenic mother may have done (TW and plant medicines)

[johnram]

I have been struggling with my healing journey, and i get angered it takes as long as it does. 
What has been helping it is some plant medicines, as much as they scare me also. 

That said, they have opened up this realm of disassociation and trauma that my EMDR never got near and EMDR did help but not this core stuff. 

It all relates to my mother and her schizophrenia and how as an infant / baby i was terrified of her but yet i needed her (my dad wasnt around much / the family she married into did not know she was becoming schizophrenic post my birth - it was initially just post natal depression).  I have also experienced how she needed me as an older child, to fit into this new family (she had moved countries for marriage).  I have also come into experiencing that when i was that infant i had to shut down heavily, it was terrifying - without specifics. 

Anyway, this morning, i was half asleep and half awake in bed, and i had a flash that she may have tried to kill me as an infant, or at least thats what it felt like, reflecting how scared i was of her as she was going schizophrenic.

I dont know what to do with this, as its not something i can confirm, it feels that it could have truth to it, and would add to the complexity of my trauma that is only now being revealed.  Its just when its so early, i am at a loss as to how to heal that baby. 

Sorry i started this with a question but i started crying midway, and so i have lost that.  But i am now just sharing.

thank you for reading.
 

[dollyvee]

Hi John,

Thank you for sharing that. I've read that the things our minds create are real to us if that makes sense. In IFS your part are real to you, and not just if they're a tangible thing. I wonder if would be helpful you could view your experience the same way.

Sending you support going through this.

dolly

[johnram]

thank you, i think thats how i feel, that there is at least a personal truth here

Hi John,

Thank you for sharing that. I've read that the things our minds create are real to us if that makes sense. In IFS your part are real to you, and not just if they're a tangible thing. I wonder if would be helpful you could view your experience the same way.

Sending you support going through this.

dolly