still digging

[sanmagic7]

therapy today.  i don't know how much processing i can take - yesterday was very busy and i'm tired this morning.  on the other hand, now that one piece of my ex has been taken care of, i've noticed another piece that came up which needs to be dealt with.  it contains an incident with my ex and D1, something he said to her in a store that convinced me about the misogynistic part of him.  before that, i don't think i gave misogyny too much credence.

**********TW - inappropriate language - *******************

however, 'who's your daddy' at the checkout when he's paying for several items of hers is not ok.  she was livid, he was meh.  he told me he brought it up with his T, said she kind of laughed and told him she'd been working with him for over a year and she thought she'd know if that was one of his problems.  then he told me, as if he were bragging about it 'I'm a great liar.' that sealed the deal for me.

*************end TW *****************

after this prideful admission to me, i don't trust a word he says or an action he does.  it's part of what is so painful when i know my D2 is interacting with him.  i know now that he has his own agenda for everything he says and does.  and i guess it's appropriate now that i have a big chunk of a dynamic between he and i resolved, my mind would turn to interactions between he and my D's.

lurking in the background, of course, are still issues w/ icky L, my D1, and my first hub - we haven't really touched on those yet.  well, yes, i did get some resolution about icky L, but we hadn't really addressed the dynamic with her, my ex, and me in therapy.  awful.  i want to get all that cleaned out, but quite honestly, it is scary.  the major adjustment i could feel in my brain last week was unnerving, even tho it turned out ok.  i'd just never experienced it before.

so, ever onward.  no way past this crapola but thru it.  but, ugh - it's exhausting at times.

[rainydiary]

San, it is exhausting especially as you observe when one thing may feel more resolved something else opens up. 

[Armee]

Just one shoveful at a time and slowly you'll dig your way through. Wish you had one of those geological core diggers and could just tunnel through all at once! But then you lose the beauty and the treasure you find turning over one shovel at a time. The sight of your resilience, the power of feeling things that have been hidden. Understanding how much you have survived. I truly believe there is deep beauty in the work of coming face to face with what we've been through. If for nothing else but to shore up our ability to be kind and compassionate with ourselves.

[sanmagic7]

rainy, yes it is.  yesterday as i was looking at the sky, i noticed lots of black specks flying around (not birds), and i thought - these are all the pieces still to be processed.  it was a little daunting.  too many of them.  thanks for your suppoet.

armee, i was struck by how you have found beauty in all this.  that is the last word i'd use to describe what i've been going thru.  i can see beauty in a lot of things, but, maybe because of how i've been feeling while digging thru it all, to me it looks sucky.  i may have gotten a bit jaded thru it all, possibly cuz it's been so long of a battle, so difficult of a struggle.  i find your perspective interesting, tho.  thanks for that, and for all your suppoet.

yesterday i was a bit wobbly in my system, my mind has been roiled up once more, and i began processing memories of my ex and his sexual inappropriateness with my D's.  this stuff hits my mother heart, which is even more tender than my heart for myself.  anyway, it's roiling up again, and i have to stop.

[Armee]

Aahhhh. You are exactly right San. This has caused so much pain and distress to the point of your limbs not working. That's not OK to have to go through this new substantial suffering just to be eventually free of the  original suffering.

I'll stand by feeling that there's a small benefit to really seeing how much pain has been bottled up, but you shouldn't have to actually go through that pain. No one should. We shouldn't have been treated in a way that requires this work in the first place.

In which case I've gone ahead and placed an order for the Painless Muck Super Core Driller Automatica 3000. It'll dig through a millenia of muck in about 2.2 seconds. It's on backorder through christmas...global supply chain issues...but should arrive by the new year.

[Bach]

 

[sanmagic7]

armee, love that drill, love you.  thanks so much. 

bach, love that big hug - it feels so caring.  thank you so.

got the stress flu today, so i'm taking some time off.  i'm gonna cancel my therapy appt. for tues. - i need a break from this.  i'll be on the porch, sitting by the fire in the cabin, listening to the water lap on the shore, rocking and knitting and watching fun stuff.

[rainydiary]

San, I like the plans you have made.  I hope it is restorative and nurturing.

[Not Alone]

 

[Armee]

 

Rest up, San.

[Snowdrop]

Sending you care, San.

[sanmagic7]

rainy, notalone, armee, and snowdrop - thanks for the hugs and support.

i'm feeling a bit better, but still on tentative ground mentally and emotionally.  was able to take a proper walk the other day - my 3rd one in 6 weeks.  my brain still needs to rest - i can feel it even as i write.  wish i could be more involved, but not now, maybe not for a while.  sending love and hugs to you all.

[Snowdrop]

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. Don't worry about us. Put your own needs first and rest. We care about you and support you no matter what.

Sending you much love and a big squishy hug. I hope you feel better soon.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better.  Sending love and hugs to you  and hope your brain enjoys some rest, along with the rest of your body - you deserve to rest and recuperate, and I hope you continue to feel better as the time goes on. 
Hope 

[Armee]

 

Rest up, San. Man this work is hard.

I worry a bit about your legs ... I know trauma can really affect us physically but I also worry maybe there could be something not psychological going on too, that maybe the stress from the trauma work caused to flare? Take care, Dear San.