still digging

[Bach]

 

[Armee]

It's heartbreaking, San. I wish I could magically speed up the whole process. 

[sanmagic7]

thank you bach and armee for those wonderfully warm, embracing hugs.  love them!

i've been reading one of richard feynman's books and he wrote something i thought interesting.  it was a realization of his that he's not responsible for the expectations of others, that not living up to them does not mean he failed, but that they had made a mistake.  it struck home for me as someone who has lived most of her life according to the expectations of others that i be perfect or give more than i'm able, and the subsequent belief that if i don't i will be tossed aside and/or rejected.  i can see now how i did hold myself responsible to live up to expectations of others and failed over and over.

feynman's realization of putting the responsibility where it belongs felt very comforting.  the idea that i have been either rejected or pushed over the edge cuz i didn't live up to others' expectations, no matter what the circumstance - personal, professional, family, children, husbands, friends, any and all relationships - it really wasn't my expectations for myself, but ones that were placed on my shoulders at a very young age.  no wonder my posture isn't the greatest - i've been carrying those around for many decades.  time to do a little atlas shrugging and be ok with me as i am.

[Armee]

Wow that is a super powerful way to think about things. Thank you for sharing that. That perspective could really help with imposter syndrome stuff that drove me away from work.

Are your legs holding you up at the moment?

[sanmagic7]

hey, armee,

yes, my legs have been good since last fri.  i've been able to walk outdoors, which, as spring is on its way, is especially heart and soul nourishing.  thanks for asking.

i would've never thought of the imposter syndrome in feynman's context, but now that you mention it, i think it fits quite well.  i'm glad you got something which might be helpful for you.  i'm finding him an extraordinary read, and i'm not normally one for autobiographies and the like.  this guy's the real deal at the same time he's a friggin' genius.  quite the combination!   

[Larry]

Hi sanmagic,  i hope you have a great day today

[sanmagic7]

thanks, larry, and back atcha 

worked on decreasing the impact of my emotions/increasing my ability to feel them safely (so as not to have my legs go wonky each time).  we used the flash technique, and my mind wandered off, which indicated to me that this is a difficult place for me to go.  eventually, after i talked about how there have only been a few extraordinary moments in my life when i could feel pos. things, like happiness and love and joy - all the good stuff that makes life worth living, i guess.  altho i know situations where those kinds of emotions/feelings would have been appropriate and natural to feel, i can count on one hand how many times in my life i've ever actually felt them.

so, i began processing the idea again, and what came up was a large plexiglas bulletproof shield in front of me.  i could see my D on the other side, knew that she loves me, but the shield wouldn't let her feeling of love thru to me.  because of that, while i know it on an intellectual level, i can't feel it.  then again, i can't feel the love i have for others, either.  i remember feeling that only once - it was when i was in mex. and my hub and i had rescued a cat.  fun cat, played like a dog, almost.

anyway, one nite the cat was laying, purring on my lap, and i was stroking it, and a wave of love for that cat washed over me.  it was a wonderful feeling, but i ended up near tears.  i told my hub what had just happened, said this was something i never felt with my daughters.  i knew i loved them, but i'd never really felt it. 

so, back to the shield.  once i became aware of it, my mind wanted to wander again, but i forcefully pulled it back to this problem and wondered what could cause the shield to not be there.  one thing that finally came to mind was melting, and i directed my attention to the shield purposefully.  sure enough, one top corner of it began to get a bit mushy, crumpled a bit.  that's all we could do for now, but it is a start.  i had to stop, cuz i didn't want that shield to come down too quickly - i know i would be overwhelmed to near paralysis if i could suddenly feel everything!

we'll see.  it's awfully frightening to think of being able to feel  at the same time it would be so lovely to have those positives show their faces for me.  i'm almost in tears as i write that.  the few times i did feel them, i was in awe.  i know i'm loved, but the few times i could feel it from the person saying it was as if my heart was able to connect with their heart.  hard to come by.  a thought just occurred to me - i've been running in one way or another most of my life, keeping busy, doing stuff, accomplishing things that maybe i haven't been slow enough to feel the good things coming my way.  or the grief, fear, anger, etc., either.  maybe that's been my defense mech. against the awful stuff, but it flowed over to block the pos. stuff as well.  i'll bring it up on fri.

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate you sharing this experience.  I was especially impacted by the idea of the mind wandering as it approaches discomfort and of feeling pure love for a cat/animal that is difficult to feel for others.  I don't have any insights, I just felt this too and I hope you are able to find a way to make a hole through or way around the thick glass if that is what you would like. 

[Bach]

[Armee]

Your mind is truly amazing, San. I am so impressed by your wisdom to only very slowly melt that shield. I am also in awe of the powers of your insight and imagination and can imagine how lucky your own clients are to benefit from that creative imaginative problem solving.

I will be sitting here with fingers crossed that the backdraft from this work is minimal and measured and that you can slowly start to feel the good things and keep those legs working. You can do this! Slowly slowly, just as you are going. You are amazing and I can't wait until you can truly feel all that love coming in to you.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, rainy, for the empathy and support.  a part of me would like that barrier to be out of the way, in order to let the good feelings in, and i may be making some headway on that.  however, it's also what's helped me stay sane and survive by keeping the neg., hurtful feelings at bay.  tricky balance.   

thanks for that lovely big hug, bach.  love it! 

armee, thank you for such kind words.  reading your response was interesting to me on a personal/emotional level.  when i read your last sentence, i could feel the warmth radiate thru my body, could feel the love behind it.  i also almost immediately swatted at it, as if i didn't want to acknowledge it.  that's why i'm writing this.  it did happen, it felt really warm and loving, and it was difficult for me to let it in and be with it.  thank you for providing me with that, my dear.  it was very special.   

the idea that i wanted to swat such a good feeling away, didn't want to give weight to it, wanted to run from it tells me a lot about myself.  as much as i want those feelings, i'm so uncomfortable with them i can't get away from them fast enough.  the feeling of love for the cat lasted about 10 min. or so, then just disappeared.  the same has happened with people.  it's there, fleeting, gone.  the idea of being comfortable with pos. emotions/feelings must be extremely scary to me.  like rainy said, my mind dances away from anything too intense or, maybe, too good and pos. for me.  unknown territory.

armee, so far the backdraft is minimal.  but i do think my brain is continuing to unfreeze, which opens the door to whatever else. thanks for that reminder.

[Armee]

 

If I may, San? What it says to me that you immediately want to swat those good feelings away? It says less about YOU and a lot more about the people who have taken your love and kindness and hurt you with it instead of returning it. I hope that's not too much to say. But I just felt sad reading what you wrote that it felt like you were criticizing yourself for not being able to tolerate good feelings like love. But it's not you...it's what people did to you. 

[sanmagic7]

armee, your words brought tears to my eyes.  thank you for saying all that.  it was beautiful to hear.  i think what i did there was an example of being responsible for the expectations of others (thank you dr. feynman).  it makes total sense, what you said.  now that i can see it thru your eyes, i can see being critical of myself.  also, ashamed (whew - that came out of nowhere!) that i couldn't accept that warmth from you for very long without feeling uncomfy about it. 

you know, carrying these burdens of others around for so long makes it difficult to live without them.  even when it means bringing something good into your life.  i just flashed on my work  with battered women, and how difficult it was, once we were able to get them out and to a shelter, for them to not return to the abuse.  i don't know for sure what the point of being wired like that is, unless it's the comfort factor - more comfy with the devil you know than the devil you don't. 

sometimes the human mind boggles me.

[Armee]

 

I just wanted to say I relate to what you said about how we get so used to carrying around the expectations of others that it's hard to not live with them. It's hard to stop, like a bad habit.

Even when I decided I needed to stop being involved with my mom for a period of time because of how bad it was for me, my mind couldn't stop thinking about her and what she was doing and past things she did. I spent more mental energy probably than when I was actively involved with her. A bad habit.

Or more like our neurons have gotten so used to trying to keep us safe from certain things they don't know how to stop firing on command. They need to really known it's safe. For me, they stopped when she died, at least during awake time. They kept going for awhile in my sleep but even then eventually got the message that it wasn't necessary anymore.

[Larry]