still digging

[Armee]

Oh my God San! That is so much betrayal all jn just one story. How painful and sad and yes traumatic on multiple levels. Those feelings of stupidity and humiliation are covering for some other emotions...hurting yourself because those are in a way easier to deal with. I hope you can slowly let that anger surface honestly toward everyone involved and treat yourself with the compassion that should have been given you by the people who instead furthered the betrayal. Until then I am quite angry on your behalf. Ugh seething with it actually.

[sanmagic7]

hey, armee - thanks so much for the anger on my behalf, and also for adding another dimension to the situation - betrayal.  didn't think of that one, but i'll certainly add it to the list.  i did have a moment of anger last nite - was able to stab a few things with my fork that was satisfying.  it let a little out at least, but your support in this respect means the world to me. knowing most of my friends at that time, i can truly understand why no one told me, including my family.  we/they weren't prepared for the emotional backlash something this big would produce.  i hold FL entirely responsible - coward that he was, he was the one who should have told me.  i'm just grateful my girlfriend had guts enough to break the news to me. there's probably more to this story - i'm going to ask her why everyone waited so long.  i know my parents/sister didn't handle emotions, so would be too scared to get involved.   

feeling better today, but yesterday was very rough.  the aftermath is that all my muscles are extremely sore - feel like i got hit by a mack truck!  i'm sure it's from carrying lots of tension yesterday all day.  i ate and smoked my way thru, but i did feel a bit better by evening.  hoping to get a bit of normality back today.  we'll see.  at least i don't feel so down, so browbeaten.  yeah, that was an emotional beating i took getting thru it all.  remembering, realizing what all went down, getting new information that lambasted me even more. 

yesterday, i woke up dreaming about him, wanting to get back together with him, kissing a few times.  i told my T that i've had dreams like this before (and with other exes) and in the dream i was so happy we would finally be together.  this time, i didn't have that happy feeling about it.  i just want to be rid of him. (unfortunately, i had a similar dream this morning).  i told my T that next time maybe we can work on exorcising him from my brain. 

i wondered out loud to her what could be causing these dreams.  was it giving me a feeling of 'i won!'?  or something about a comeuppance toward his wife?  he and i met for drinks a few times while we were both married, he also wanted more but i turned him down.  my thought process was that this was real power for me in a situation where i'd felt powerless.  i had the means of wrecking his marriage, dealing an emotional blow to his wife (who was very mean to me at the same time she put on a show of being a lovely, nice catholic girl), and knowing in my mind i had the upper hand on them.  i never followed thru, but the knowledge of having that power was strengthening to my heart somehow.

at any rate, i don't want those dreams anymore, don't want to feel the longing for a relationship with him while i sleep.  he's dead and i'd like him to stay that way.  he spent the last 15 yrs. of his life sick with MS, couldn't feed himself or walk anymore, and i went to visit him in the nursing home 2 weeks before he died.  before i left, i kissed him good-bye.  i wish i had some sense of closure from that, but apparently not.  so now i have to go after it.  ugh!  will this frickin' ever end???  this stuff is over 50 years old, it's still wreaking havoc with my life and well-being.  and he's the best of the rest of them. 

[Larry]

i'm sorry i haven't been here to offer any support,   i hope you have a good day today. 

[Armee]

I'm so happy to know you stabbed something with a fork a little. Good job. I throw fruits.  fresh ones at the back door glass then i have to wipe it off or rotting ones at a tree in the yard. It's very satisfying. 

[CactusFlower]

Hope you're feeling a little better today. That certainly was a lot to process!

(also, going to a thrift store and buying cheap plates and stuff that you can then break is a vent for anger. Just be careful of shards!)

[paul72]

hi sanmagic
sorry for your new old heartbreak. I wish there was an off button for past hurts for you, for all of us.
I hope the tension in your body eases... I have found eating and smoking thru it to be pretty helpful too..
I like that you took your frustrations out on some unsuspecting food instead of beating yourself up
I hope you are feeling better today, and I thank you for sharing. Sending love your way! 

[sanmagic7]

hey, larry, i appreciate the effort to stop in and say hi.  thanks for the well wishes.

armee, i've thrown things, beat my bed, punched pillows, made noise banging pots and pans - lots of good ways to get some anger out.  these containers just happened to be there and i had a fork in my hand.  it helped a little. thanks for another suggestion, too.   

hey CF, thanks for the suggestion.  i've also thrown flip flops against a door - no breakage, but makes a good sound nonetheless.  thank you for being here.

hi, phil,  i wish that off button was available as well. so far, the tension is hanging around.  bothering my legs and ear.  hopefully, soon, it will ease.  thanks for the well wishes.

today i'm feeling absolutely miserable.  this stuff takes its time with me, making me think i'm on the road to recovering then, like today, washing over me till i feel like i'm drowning in dejection.  i know it wasn't me, but i feel like an absolute fool, very stupid, and i don't know about what.  letting it happen? not knowing what was going on? thinking i could make it better if i just hung on long enough?  not sure  - it's rather nebulous.

this happened more than 52 yrs. ago, but it still feels like it was 2 weeks ago. finding out everything, the breakup - i'm in a world of pain and hurt, feeling very dejected and down, so very sad - everything i should have felt and gone thru when i was 20, when it happened.  i guess i just couldn't have managed it back then - it was such a big shock and i had to assure my being that i wouldn't go mad from the betrayal (thanks, armee), humiliation, the loss of future plans, the love that got smashed carelessly, tossed aside.  i don't understand how so many people in my life, from my S when we were young, thru so many what i thought of as close relationships, male and female, thought it was ok to humiliate me in front of family and friends.  was i such a patsy?  did i have a sign on my forehead?  i don't get it.

i think, since i didn't have the capacity to feel, nor the sense of self to know, i was an easy target.  that doesn't cheer me up.  i'm going thru this hurt and pain and emotional disruption (it's also disrupted me physically - my muscles are so tight i'm having a hard time walking smoothly - about a 4-yr. relationship half a century ago.  i put my entire self into it, and i guess i'd get some kind of payback which would run in the same direction.  instead, upended on the edge of a cliff.  maybe that's why i couldn't go thru this them - i'd have fallen off the cliff.

these realizations hurt so bad, they're difficult to bear, even now when i have so many more tools to deal with them.  for some reason, few of them help.  the stabbing was good, but i think i stopped myself.  i really wanted to punch both of them in their smirking faces. 

still feeling miserable tonite. this is crapola, to have to go thru this physical disturbance as well as the mental and emotional distress.  i don't want to do this anymore.

[CactusFlower]

gentle hugs if you want them. Sorry to hear this is so distressing for you, and I totally resonate with it feeling strange that it can be so painfully fresh so long after things happen.

[Not Alone]

my T said, absolutely - to be laughed at is the stuff of nightmares!

Yes, and deep humiliation. I know. I'm sorry that you have that experience and pain.

[sanmagic7]

hey, CF. hugs are always welcome.  thank you so much.

thanks for the caring, notalone.  so appreciated

my legs are gone, so now i just have to rest until they return.  i am so down, can't believe this is happening again.  i never knew being dumped (and all the garbage that went with it in this instance) could hold all this pain (mental and emotional), all these neg., soul-sucking and spirit defeating feelings.  since finding out the new info from my gal pal, it's truly like this happened 2 weeks ago.  if it had it would make sense about how i'm feeling now.  i guess this is an example of how trauma lives within us, no matter for how long, until it is faced and erased. 

my T basically cancelled on me this morning cuz she was sick.  she felt terrible, tho, at leaving me like this.  i told her i need help, i'm not doing well with this on my own, and she said if she feels better over the weekend she'd give me a call.  otherwise we won't be talking till tues.  i'm floundering until then.  can barely walk from one room to the other, no energy, very little brain capacity.  this breakup has drained me.  still can't believe how hard this has hit me.  doesn't feel right, and certainly doesn't feel good.  i don't know how much more of this i can take. 

just thought this minute that this may be so difficult cuz of the work i did last week on hub #1, and this came along so soon after.  dang.  how sensitive must i be?  or how damaged that i truly can't manage?  again, the trigger came out of left field, didn't know the info, but after learning it, wrecking ball to my body, my psyche, and my spirit.  just need to get this out.  i hate this so much.  even said to my D that right now i hate my parents (for not allowing me all my feelings from the time i was a baby).  i'm sure that's what has set all this up.  as i think of it, i don't feel that hate for them now, but i did at the time i said it.  maybe i just needed to get it out. 

feel like i'm rambling now.  i'm so twisted up.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
I hope that you're able to rest up and that your legs feel better soon.  I know you've been processing a lot of stuff lately, and that would definitely be taking its toll physically and mentally.  Sending you a hug of support  and I hope that your therapist feels better soon as well.   Hopefully she'll be in contact again soon, but whatever happens between now and then, I hope you know you're cared about.

Hope 

[Armee]

Oh no! What terrible timing for your T to be out sick! I hope she is able to talk to you briefly this weekend to carry you until Tuesday.

It's heart breaking that the process of healing is so so painful and difficult, San. Your brain is processing and letting this stuff go. It is processing it so fully that you are feeling the full pain of it now. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I'm so sorry your family never allowed you to feel things in the moment so you could move on with the past in the past.

Once you get through this one, you'll be done with this memory and all the pain it has been causing you behind the scenes. You'll be free from this one. Then you decide at your own pace if and when you want to go through this again with another memory. You are In control of whether and when you go through this again and only you know if it's worth it.

I don't know if this is rude to ask...but is there a way to spend more time installing positive memories or feelings in between these difficult sessions? I haven't really tried that myself but it just feels like it might be helpful to intentionally slow down some of the painful memories that are all interconnected. It's not fair to have to process so fully so many painful memories so close together.

But I don't want to end on anything approaching advice....I just wish I could be there in person to bring you comfort and some warm bread and a warm beverage and a big enveloping hug. 

You are a warm and open person, San. These things were not your fault. There are people who know how to find and take advantage of good people. It is not you being somehow defective that so many hurt you. It is all those people who were defective to hurt such a good human. Defectiveness is theirs and theirs alone. You loved. You should have been loved in return. Period. That is what you deserved.

[Not Alone]

San, I'm so sorry that your T cancelled. When you are holding on by a thread, that feels like scissors cutting the thread. Ugh. Please post here as often as is helpful to you. You are not alone.

The other day, my T was referring to a trauma and he said, "I know that happened to you a long time ago. . ." I don't even remember the rest of the sentence because my mind was saying, "What? It did? No, it just happened." You are right, that is what trauma does. Time stands still for those events. I'm sorry that you are feeling such intense feelings from the break up, but there is nothing wrong with you that it feels like it was just two weeks ago. Not only have you been holding that inside, but you have added information that piles on more whirling thoughts and overwhelming feelings.

[Armee]

 

[Snowdrop]

You were treated so cruelly, San, and you didn't deserve it.

I completely understand old traumas feeling as though they happened two weeks ago. I don't know if this helps, but my experience is that parts holding trauma can get stuck at the time of the trauma. They don't realise months and years have gone by. To them, it's just happened, and the pain is still raw. I agree with Not Alone: there is nothing wrong with you that it feels like it was just two weeks ago.

You mentioned this coming along so soon after your work on hub #1. I can relate to this as well. If I work on a trauma with one part, it's like another one comes along and says "what about me!"

I hope your T can make Tuesday. In the meantime, here are some big hugs filled with love and care.