still digging

[rainydiary]

My recent move taught me I don't need a lot of the stuff I have and so I think things remaining in boxes is ok.  I also understand if the stuff staying in boxes feels like stuckness and that doesn't feel good in my experience.  I am glad for your friendship and relationship with your D.

[Armee]

That friendship sounds perfect.    Reciprocal.  You give her the same and more. I'm so glad she has you as a friend to counter the harmful advice people get after trauma, that comes from a good place but doesn't understand the reality of how trauma is stored.

I think if crisis is how it feels then it must truly be that, San, even if you are able to keep head above enough to get out of bed or make attempts or be hospitalized. You minimize your pain and suffering, so I don't doubt for one minute it is crisis level if that is how it feels to you.

It is ok if you don't make your bed or unpack but I can see why those are important markers of wellness for you. I also think it's important to remember that you are doing more than just getting out of bed... Exercising when your strength allows, being a mom, writing and editing...there's substance there. I can feel how much more you want though and that is fair. You deserve to have much more energy and motivation and joy.

I can definitely see how that statement by your T was intended as validation, and also how it would come across as something almost unbearable. 

[CactusFlower]

  While I'm sorry your friend was traumatized, at least you two can understand each other better than most people can. Maybe that's the gift, because the friendship sounds like a really good one.

Things can totally stay in boxes or even the garage, in my case, without ever being unpacked. I'll admit, sometimes I go through things and think to myself, "I haven't used/needed this in a year. Do I need to keep it?" And things can get purged, or I'd be a total packrat. So do what you need to do at YOUR pace. That's all that matters.

[sanmagic7]

i love you all!

rainy, i believe you're right.  over the years, so many moves, a lot of my things have naturally been culled.  the things i have left i now cherish.  many sentimental, unique, and from various places where i've lived - they now bring comfort to me and a sense of stability.  i've lost so much along the way, i really don't want to lose any more.  the things i've lost i've adjusted to their absence along the way.  thanks for your perspective. 

armee, thank you for all your validation, all the time.  you help give me strength, too, to keep from drowning.  i can almost accept that i'm truly in crisis - depending on meds to keep me functioning, several cig breaks during the day to release tension (also prescribed by my T), and food to help me stay distracted.  and i appreciate how you see me, remember things i've written.  even tho i've been on this forum more than 5 yrs., it still seems weird and wonderful when someone pays enough attention to remember something i've said.   

CF, i do believe this friendship is a gift.  she doesn't really have anyone else she can talk to about how she's feeling, gets ridiculed too often.  we've both acknowledged how we can lift each other's spirits, and it's so unusual to me to have someone ask how i'm doing and really care enough to want an honest answer.  and, yes, my pace.  that's important to remember.  rainy mentioned it, too, so i guess it's necessary to remember it.  thanks.

just feeling kind of down today.  i've got a lot of financial stuff i've had to help my D with, and sometimes i just want to be left alone, to cuddle up with comp. games or watch tv by myself.  these are the times i sit on the balcony and smoke - it's an old habit to use smoking as a break time, away from everyone.  right now i'm mostly in an 'i don't care' mood.  this has all been so difficult to navigate.  people here have helped me keep afloat at time when i wanted to curl up and be gone. 

*************death*****************

my D and i had a small conversation about death/dying.  she said she's ok with other people dying if she thinks/believes they are going to be able to just rest from their lives.  i told her that's exactly what it will be for me.  she said 'i know, mom'.  i think it's been her way to make peace with the idea that i will probably be gone before her, but i'm glad she has that to hold onto.  she also knows i won't go willingly.  she's been a lifesaver.

**************TW over *******************

i'm just venting, letting it out.  i go to these dark places, and this seems like a safe enough place to let some of it drain away.     

[Armee]

 

[rainydiary]

I hope the conversation with your daughter about death was supportive to you both.  I also appreciate your description of the things you have with you as cherished and consistent - it helps me understand more of why it may feel heavy for them to be boxed still. 

[sanmagic7]

armee, i loved that big hug from you.  it felt comforting.  thank you so. 

rainy, our conversation was supportive, thank you.  i think it helped ease her mind a bit to know i believe it will be a welcome rest for me when it comes.   

i talked about how much sadness i'm carrying for myself w/ my T today, and that tears have begun leaking whenever i see a kindness done to someone or, the other way around, when i see abuse.  the tv shows we watch can unintentionally bring these issues up, and i find random tears in my eyes.  they're not truly getting to the heart of what's made me so sad, so they aren't cleansing or don't bring relief.  we talked about something my F said to me very young - stop crying; crying doesn't help.  from the time i was about 14 till i got into therapy in my late 30's, i'd stopped crying completely.

once some of that opened up (inadvertantly brought on by her mistreatment of me) tears leaked all the time.  when my D2 graduated college, i had to leave the ceremony because i was crying so hard.  now that i think of it, happy and proud were probably the emotions which were inside me, but i had no way to feel them as such.  hence, crying was my only expression of what i couldn't feel or identify. i'm very sad simply to write that.  even the happy emotions were wrung from me until they were unattainable.

we also talked about the 'hanging by a thread' statement from last time.  she was just verifying my reality, believes i am still in crisis mode after over 2 yrs. of therapy w/ her.  it was a hard adjustment to make, bringing this into the light as a truth about me and why i have such a difficult time doing even the simplest chores or errands w/o becoming disturbed, distressed, and/or exhausted.  i think it's painful to know, i think there's pain in there alongside the sadness. 

that's the first time i thought of the pain i must've absorbed over my lifetime.  but, my body knows.  it tells me all the time.  just never thought of it on my own for myself.  it stands to reason, tho, that after being hurt by people over and over, there would be pain associated with it.  dang, this is what i'm fighting against so i'm not overwhelmed by it.  i'd love to curl up in a ball, let the world go by.  even tho during processing today i was able to see an image of me as a flower child, twirling thru a field of flowers, connecting me to my 27-yr. old spirit (and it felt lovely), it's hard to keep that with me cuz the bad stuff smothers it.

[CactusFlower]

San, your words reminded me of a quote. (I don't remember it exactly or who said it, so it's more of a summary, lol) "Everything is healed by salt water; sweat, tears, or the sea." Our bodies remember so much. it sounds like by allowing tears, yours might be processing however it best can in that moment. Our bodies remember our pain even when our minds hide it from us. I'm also glad you got that "hanging on" comment cleared up with them. Big hugs and here's wishing you many days of dancing among the flowers.

[Armee]

Hi dear San.

Alexithymia is cruel in its taking of joy and the robbing us of an ability to grieve or feel anger or sadness that are appropriate to the circumstances.

The pain is very real. Your body soaked up all those hurtful events you couldn't feel the emotions for. Now when you go to tap those memories to heal, that physical pain is part of the memories that are activated, so you get the emotions and you get the pain, and how could that not be totally overwhelming?   

[Not Alone]

San, I have to leave for an appointment, but I just caught up on your journal and wanted to give you a big  .

[sanmagic7]

CF, i do believe that quote and all it implies.  when i lived in mex. on the sea of cortez, they used seawater to heal many skin problems on both humans and animals.  our tears are an approximation, but they heal us from the inside out, or release toxins that would otherwise hurt us.  thank you for reminding me.   

armee, i agree.  just a few years ago i was involved in an incident that hurt me emotionally, and i remember curling up on my bed because i was in a lot of pain from it.  that's the first time i remember to have had the actual physical pain at the same time.  and, yes, you're right - it is overwhelming.  thanks for the validation.   

notalone, i appreciate that embracing hug.  thanks.

my T and i talked and talked about the healing me and the present me  helping those younger versions of me and the present me's legs (i know, a lot of 'me', but then, it's all about me right now) thinking what a good resource i am for myself, when i stopped and the word 'expectations' came to mind.  long story short, when i was sick in mex. i had to make the decision as to whether i'd stay sick (my hub was doing all the errands, chores, plus working 12-hr. days all week) or get better. 

at the time, my fear of getting better was all about expectations - while i was sick, no one expected me to do anything, and i felt a freedom i'd never felt before.  if i got well i was scared all those previous expectations would pile up on me again by others.  what helped my decision to begin being well was the idea that i could say 'no'.

for such a little word, it packed a gigantic punch.  what a concept!!!  but it was up to me to do the work of getting myself better (i'd already seen all the docs in town, downed a lot of meds, no joy there).  so, this possibility of imagining some form of myself helping myself got so big so fast, and i told my T i can't possibly do that anymore.  my entire life has been based on me taking care of myself, getting myself to a better place, out of a bad place, researching to help myself feel better, and on and on.  i told her i need help now - don't have it in me anymore to take this burden on by myself again.

i then remembered 3 images i had hanging in my room in our previous house - one was of la bruja, a mexican witch who warns me of danger and provides me with the strength and energy to get myself away from it, one was of a guardian angel to have someone watching over me, a safety feeling, and one was of an angel holding a baby in her arms, nurturing.  these are still packed, but i'm going to find them and get them out.  they have been helpers to me in the past, and will be again.

unorthodox, perhaps, but i've been unorthodox when it's come to surviving my life to this point as well.  so far, i've survived.  that's a win.  now to think that i will have helpers who will be watching out for me, aiding me in my healing and self-care is very comforting. and breathing again.

[Armee]

Those images sound amazing and perfect, San.

[CactusFlower]

my entire life has been based on me taking care of myself, getting myself to a better place, out of a bad place, researching to help myself feel better, and on and on.  i told her i need help now - don't have it in me anymore to take this burden on by myself again.

Wow, did I resonate with this. That describes it so very well.  My entire life has been survival mode, and that can't be sustained forever.
Hugs, San, thank you for this eloquence.

[sanmagic7]

armee, thanks so much for both the validation and the acceptance.  it means so much.   

CF, you hit it on the head by using the phrase 'survival mode'.  that's exactly what it feels like looking back.  always running, mentally, emotionally, physically just to be able to function.  i can only be resilient for so long, for so much, before i break.  i've been to my knees a few times but have managed to get back up.  now, i need help, however i can get it.  thank you for this so very much.

felt okay yesterday but am tired this morning.  i found my helper pictures in a box yesterday and want to get them up on the wall today.  i told my D that i need to get this stuff up, need to get my room 'done' cuz it's beginning to distress me.  she doesn't have enough energy right now to do it for me, but asked if i'd let her 'spot' me while i go up on the chair.  i can feel the disturbance inside me of not having this finished yet.  like my system is upset now with the waiting.

another thing i did yesterday was put the picture i have of my 2 D's in the closet.  i wanted to keep it out to acknowledge i still love my D1, but in the past week or so noticed that i was arranging my monitor so as not to have to look at her face, or have it looking at me.  bad vibes, like she's railing away against me, or something bad is going on with her - 2 of the reasons i've been NC for over 7 yrs.  i told my D that i'd done that, she also told me she'd been getting bad vibes from it.

gotta honor the gut instinct.  if it's not good for me, it's not good for me, and it's important i respect that.  w/ the picture now in a box in the closet, i feel better.  strange how that works sometimes.

[Not Alone]

   i can feel the disturbance inside me of not having this finished yet.  like my system is upset now with the waiting.


gotta honor the gut instinct.  if it's not good for me, it's not good for me, and it's important i respect that.  w/ the picture now in a box in the closet, i feel better.  strange how that works sometimes.

Even my move to a different bedroom was deeply distressing. Moving your entire house. . . that is so much, San. I hear and understand that disturbance.

Glad you trusted your gut about the photo. Putting it away doesn't lessen the love you have for her, but it sounds like the constant reminder of the pain in that relationship was not kind to yourself.