still digging

[Not Alone]

Keep breathing and let the reality of the car and the apartment sink in. We accept and experience the bad so much, it can be difficult to trust the good. 

[CactusFlower]

Catastrophizing is something we do really well, isn't it? I resonate with you on the "x leads to y, which means homeless" fear. So glad you're safe for another on that front. Congrats! hugs

[sanmagic7]

armee, you made me smile with your celebrations on my behalf and that lovely embracing hug.  thank you so.  i'm finding it more difficult as i grow older and have had too many experiences where major life situations of stability have been ripped out from under me in one way or another, to trust that this time i'll be able to stay put and make a home for myself. 

  notalone, thanks for the reminder.  it's so very easy to stop breathing, stay in a freeze mode of holding one's breath.  i know i just have to give this time to know in my bones it's true.  and thank you for that wonderful big hug. love it! 

CF, i didn't even realize i was catastrophizing until you named it.  it disturbed me but only for the reason that this is so common for survivors and i somehow feel guilty or less than perfect (dare i say it? ugh!) for what feels like succumbing to the beast.  like i should (there's that word) have been able to see that coming and sidestep it somehow.  unrealistic expectations of myself - again!  those have had a hard time dying.  thank you for your observation.   

was feeling pretty good yesterday morning, sounded good when i first began talking to my T, but w/in minutes, as i was going over the events of the past 2 weeks, my voice got hoarser and my throat more painful.  the stress symptoms came back simply from talking about everything.  i just hate this.  today, right now, i feel better again, but i know i'm on the edge and need to keep resting.

[Armee]

It's such a friggin tenuous dance....pushing enough to heal without going too far. And too far never feels like it is very far at all and those shoulds come back. I'll wish for nothing but joyful and beautiful and strengthening things for you today. 

[sanmagic7]

armee, i so appreciate you and your well wishes for me.  it's getting there - it always has.   

i talked to my D about finishing up my room next week.  she agreed.  there's a lot we have left to do to make this our cute home, but now that we know we'll be here for another year, and other things are being taken care of, we'll find the energy eventually - sooner rather than later.  i'm looking forward to having our place set up and finished more than i realized - just discovered it as i was typing.  yeah, it'll be nice to feel settled.

[sanmagic7]

talked w/ my t yesterday, no working on issues, but just an hour of talking sent me reeling into feeling sick again.  i guess rest for me has to include being silent as much as possible, which is against my nature.  i have a strong need to be heard.  so, felt crappy and a half yesterday - again! - and it's exhausting.  this is nearly 3 weeks now, since we got our car and were able to do some shopping, that i've felt like crapola.  so very tired of it all.

[sanmagic7]

finally had a good day yesterday, am feeling ok today, too.  yay!  one thing that kind of threw me for an emotional loop tho was that my mex. hub asked me to lend him money till july.  he's in a bad place financially - since he fell and shattered his wrist, he hasn't been able to walk (crutches cuz of polio when he was a kid), hasn't been able to find work.  other stuff also happened, he's been nearly bedridden for over a year.  anyway, very sad story, for sure.

on the other hand, when i lived with him, he'd borrow money every so often, telling me he'd pay me back.  i ate every one of those 'loans', so our history told me i can't trust him to do what he says.  it made me feel terrible to turn him down by saying we don't have money to lend cuz of our expenses now, but i know he heard me say a while ago that my D got an investor and all he saw were $$$$ in front of his eyes. 

it felt like telling him the whole truth (we really don't have money to give away, and in essence, that's what would be going on here), that i don't trust him to pay us back would just be an unnecessary jab.  i also know he has sisters both in mex. and in the states who could probably afford to give him money.  the whole thing was just very disturbing to me and i wrestled w/ it all day.  still hard to say no to someone i care about.

just now, i remembered a post i read about setting boundaries so as not to give more than is good for ourselves.  i believe that's what i'm doing here - taking care of myself even when someone else is in trouble.  that sounds awful to my heart, tho.  boundaries are so tough at times.  this kind of riled me up again be revisiting it.  time to stop.

[Bach]

 

[Armee]

I 100% agree that what you have done is set good healthy boundaries that take into consideration what you and D need. And I am very proud of you. I can tell how hard it was to say no and that you would like to help him. But since you are worried about affording very basic expenses like a vehicle and an apartment I think you made the right choice. I also remember that you have put off medical care too. Once you take care of you then you can extend that care outward to people who are deserving of that whether through their own kindness or hardship.



You're a good human, San, and have given so much of yourself to others. I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself here.

Glad too you are having a good day. Well earned so eat it up! Relish it! Sunbathe in it! High fives and hugs! 

[sanmagic7]

bach,  back atcha!  thanks so much for the hug and the acknowledgment of my being,

armee, thanks so much for the validation and encouragement re: keeping my boundaries.  it was tough, but i don't regret it.

gotta do some work today on my D's business plan.  it just has to be done even tho i don't feel i have quite the energy for it.  but i'll soldier thru.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
I think you are amazing that you handled that situation so well - keeping some firm and healthy boundaries regarding your ex's request for money.   I also feel proud of you, and I see your caring and lovely nature, and how hard it was to you to assert those boundaries, but the fact is that you are acknowledging the needs of you and your D, and that's great self-care.

I hope that your work on your D's business plan has gone well - I hope you got some energy to get through it.   

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hope, you are so sweet for saying all that you said.  thank you so.  i did find the energy to get the books straight, and it went well.

yesterday an incident while we driving to the store really disturbed me.  with all the racially-motivated shootings, etc. that have been going on here in the states, seeing it on the news helps keep a sort of distance, even tho it's so distressing to know what's going on (i've had to keep my news watching down to about 5 min./day cuz i can't stand what's happening in this country - besides what's going on with the ukraine people, it'll make me sick if i know too much).

still, i witnessed first-hand what is happening, and my innards wanted to scream out in pain and sorrow.  as my D and i sat at a stoplight, there was a car both to the left and right of us. suddenly, some white man was screaming out racial slurs and obscenities to someone in the car to the right of us.  it was frightful to hear and see. just awful.

after returning home, the thought crossed my mind, what w/ the mass shootings that have been taking place, that we were lucky the guy on the left didn't pull out a gun and start shooting.  the past several years i've been thinking that the situation here is madness, but this took it one step into something even worse.  i can hardly bear to live here, surrounded by all this hate. 

i've lived w/ the beliefs and actions of my D1, the hate she's spewed about me to her friends, (and whoever else might be in her vicinity, including professionals she's worked w/) and it was awful to know such a feeling was going on about me, surrounding me, poisoning the minds of people around her towards me.  this incident yesterday, the stench of it, the magnitude of it, how people of color have had to live with this forever in this country - well, it's unfathomable to me.  the trauma they have had to live with, i truly don't know how they've done it.  my heart goes out to them.

in the meantime, it's getting more frightening daily to live here.  i can feel it under my skin.

[CactusFlower]

gentle hugs if you want them! I too have had to cut back my news intake while recognizing I have the privilege to do so. It is really scary lately. If I were 20 years younger, I'd be healthy enough to go join protests, but being disabled... I also have to fight a feeling of frustration at not being able to help in that way anymore. And as we all learn, sometimes we have to take care of ourselves first.  I'm with you on the news diet.

[sanmagic7]

hey, CF, hugs are always welcome.  thank you.  i love the phrase news diet - very clever. and i've thought exactly the same as you - if i were younger, i'd take to the streets.  have already done so in my youth and it felt good to be part of something trying to bring about awareness.  alas, no can do anymore.  as they say, the spirit is willing but the flesh is too old and weak.  we do what we can when we can.  thanks for your support. 

that incident was more disturbing than i thought at first.  my tendency is to tuck such things away after acknowledging they happened, hoping that's it for me.  as i'm learning, tucking doesn't make it go away - it only hides it for a while.  yesterday saw me somewhat out of sorts for the entire day.  it births a fear that hadn't been there before so my anxiety simply ramps up.  it's a nagging feeling.

i'll have to do some emdr on this tomorrow.  i can feel it trying to wind me up more and more as i write.

[Not Alone]

Seeing someone that angry and hateful would be frightening.  I limit my news watching also. I do find reading the newspaper to be better for me. I can decide what I want to read and how much. T.V. news just comes at you.