still digging

[sanmagic7]

still here, still alive.  the stress of this has caused a case of stress flu, which i'm now getting thru.  i had a terrible case of despondency this afternoon. i suddenly found myself thinking that i just did not want to do this anymore, i wanted to leave everything behind, wanted to run somewhere away from where i am.  it was a terrible feeling, and has since dispersed, but it was awful going thru those kinds of thoughts.  i know how close to a very dark place it was.

honestly, even tho i'm getting thru this, it is disheartening to have to continually go thru it one more time, then another one more time.  if it weren't for my D . . .   see - very dark places to visit.

i've had several dreams today about a man with whom i was involved many years ago in mexico, and some of it, while lovely in the dream, also helped forge those feelings of running away.  historically, dreams of mexico are linked to my stress level and wanting to go where i'm not stressed.  to me, that was always mexico - in my 20's, i visited a lot with my girlfriends, and it was all fun and laughs for about 2 1/2 yrs.  then it ended, he and i ended, and the nightmare life began again.  i'm sure it's why i dream of being in mexico even now, when i am stressed.  it was my go-to place, and why i chose to run away to it when i couldn't take it up here anymore.

so, lots of thoughts running thru my mind.  i talked to my T today about using flash technique on small incidents in my past that would have normally produced pain/hurt at a conscious level, but that i never felt, either at the time or after.  she thought i had some good ideas, then came up with one of her own - that we target the actual overwhelm i experience when such feelings/emotions come up now after the fact.  i liked the idea, and when i'm 'well', that will be the next thing we'll look at.  i've already done some flash on releasing tension from my body - usually my shoulders have moved up nearly to my ears, or forward, as if in a protective position - the past week, and both times i had no adverse effects.  i also thought i could feel some relief within my body, but it was subtle.  that will be an ongoing project.

that's it for now.  happy holidays everyone.  i'm looking forward to a lovely weekend w/ my D, resting, recuperating, and enjoying the holiday with her.  and, hopefully, continuing to feel better.  that takes time and rest - there's no magical treatment for stress flu.  love and hugs all around.

[Armee]

Sending you tons of love and support and fresh baked bread butter and jam to accompany you through this rough patch. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, armee.  that sounds so so very good, warmth for both the body and soul.  much love and many hugs to you.

finally feeling like i'm going to get thru this.  was able to do some chores today, laundry, change bedding, shower, dishes.  it felt good to do something physical. 

as things are calming down physically, i can feel the anxiety ramping up tonite.  dang, is there no end to this?  one foot in front of the other - it's all i can do right now, just get from today to tomorrow.  your caring and hugs help a lot.

[Blueberry]

  There are times that's all we can do san. One foot in front of the other. Go from one day to the next or one hour to the next.

[sanmagic7]

thanks blueberry for the encouragement and hug.  love it, love you.

[Hope67]

Dear Sanmagic,
I've been meaning to come over and send you a big hug 

Glad to hear that things are calming down physically, but I know you were feeling some anxiety the other night - and I really hope you were able to sleep ok, and get through it. 

Whatever kind of day you've had, know that there's a caring hug for you 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, hope, for that big hug - i can feel the caring that comes with it. 

i'm finally out of the woods re: the aftermath of my 2 vaccines.  it was a good week and a half for me before i felt some semblance of normalcy, but i'm very glad i did it this way.  i didn't want to go thru it twice.

as always, i'm looking forward to a new year.  in the past, i'd hear others in recovery for whatever talk about how much better they felt from year to year.  that just wasn't the case for me, and i was always confused about it.  looking back, i have no doubt icky L, my relationships, my inability to find decent help for myself, the weather in the desert all those years - so much played a part in keeping me down and feeling worse from year to year.  happily, it has gotten better in the past few years, and i know a lot of that has to do w/ living w/ my D.  she's treated me so patiently and with so much care, it was, quite frankly, difficult to get used to.

plus, having a decent, knowledgeable T is a big part of the equation. 

still, i struggle.  anxiety continues to be difficult, especially before bed at night.  the smallest things can send me running for meds and cig because i become so disturbed inside.  feelings/emotions continue to elude me for the most part, altho some of that has gotten better.  i know logically i'm on the upswing, but somehow i can't always realize that.  i get stuck in a place that's dismal, dark at times, and feeling neverending. 

my T and i are going to try a different approach to this phenomenon of being overwhelmed when unknown emotions/feelings come up while processing a memory.  in fact, it was over 2 months ago since the big pain/hurt around my ex's behavior toward me during my pregnancy stopped me in my tracks.  hopefully, thurs., we're going to target the overwhelm itself, as if it was its own entity.  we'll see how that goes.  i'm too scared now of dipping into a memory for fear of what it might bring up, so i've been at a standstill for all this time.  dang, it's disheartening.

i want to be brave, like i've always been in my life, but this emotion/feeling/pain/hurt thing is just too big for me to face.  i've never encountered anything like it before, mainly cuz i never felt it before.  i'm sure not feeling these hurts and pains has been a survival mechanism all my life - i honestly cannot imagine being able to survive it when it happened, and several times i almost didn't.  and i have to not go there, have to stay here for my D.  she needs me, especially right now, so i have to stay somewhat strong.  backing away from the possibility of another overwhelm is how i'm doing that, i guess.

i hope the new year brings resounding relief for all of us.

[Armee]

 

It's also brave to go slow when that is what is needed. To be respectful of what your body is telling you...to slow down. I had to slow way down to make any progress, too. I felt weak and stupid and ashamed for going so slow but of course it was none of that.

You've been through so so much, San San. It sounds like you've been through even more than you know. I wish you just felt better but you're doing the most you can. Stay here with us, with D. The rest slowly falls into as much place as it can. We can't do more than we can do, sadly. We can't do it all at once. But little tiny tiny steps forward get us further than giant tumbles backward.

Your T sounds amazing, gentle, talented.

And you're enormously brave and strong. I'm so happy you are feeling a little bit better and have D keeping you going when you can't quite muster that will to do it for yourself.

[sanmagic7]

thanks so much for that big hug, armee.  i know there is a lot of caring and warmth within it.  and thank you also for your kind and encouraging words.  they are so appreciated, you don't even know.

i believe you're right, that i've been thru more than i realize.  i have so many memories of what's gone on that hurt me mentally and emotionally - there must be thousands - and i've never acknowledged any of the pain from them before now.  little things, big things - i'm beginning to understand just how sensitive i am, have been, that these things could hurt me so badly, even tho there was no overt physical or sexual abuse (for the most part).  but, so many things that most people would be able to let go of, could brush off.  somehow, i'm just not able to do that.

i'm here with you, with my D.  it's my job to help her right now - she's struggling with her own issues that have overwhelmed her.  thankfully, we've been able to make a good team and get along gorgeously, supporting each other, allowing each other the space we each need.  sometimes it seems so odd, tho.  i'm happy to just stay snuggled up in our apt. - maybe because my anxiety kicks my buttola most of the time i have to go out.

at any rate, i'm just toddling along for now.  looking forward to begin lifting weights again, now that i think i'm physically ready once more.  thank you so much for your acceptance and support.

i'm not thinking too much about the new year.  i don't see any big change on the horizon.  my D and i are going to celebrate with fun foods - lots of appetizers and such - and watch the new year rung in from wherever.  don't know if new york's times square is going to happen for sure. and i always enjoy hearing the fireworks.  it will be a good new year's eve.  i hope everyone can have one of those at least, no matter what happens the next day.  wow, am i a debby downer or what?!!!  guess that's just where i'm at right now.  been thru too much lately to see much light ahead, i guess.  ugh!!!

[Larry]

 :grouphug
 

[Armee]

I don't think you are more sensitive or have been through less than others. I think you've been through much more than me and for much longer. I think you are strong to keep working through this trying to feel better. I don't know if I had overt abuse either but I know that what really messed me up was the emotional and psychological abuse and neglect. That's what gripped me and makes healing hard. And you had that abuse from so many people. I don't think you are weak or bothered by small things. I think what you went through would crumple most people.

[sanmagic7]

thanks for those hugs, larry. back atcha   

armee, thank you so much for that validation.  it felt very important to me to hear you say it.  you, too, feel like a dear friend.

speaking of mental/emotional abuse, and the idea of me being unable anymore to deal with even small things without being on the verge of tears or getting quite disturbed, i brought this up with my t yesterday.  she mentioned the word 'brainwashing', and how hard it is to retrieve a mind from the effects of it.  i hadn't heard the use of that term, or even thought of it, as applying to me, but once she said it, something clicked inside.  it explained so much, and completely fit.  and, i can see it as having happened with my F, with my 2 exes, and with icky L.  no wonder i felt floaty so much of my life.  i had no real sense of myself until the past few years.

that's a disturbing thought now, in light of this new description.  very disturbing.  and i've felt the disturbance within me since she said it.  i need it to settle for a bit.  in the meantime, i'm taking it easy on myself.  this is a difficult concept to accept.

[Not Alone]

        

[sanmagic7]

thanks, notalone, for those lovely hugs.  i can just wrap myself within them and feel just that little bit safer.

[Armee]

 

My T has described this as brainwashing, too. Many times. It is and it started so early. And for you it came from many directions including your spouses and therapist and employer and family. That is so disorienting! How do you stand firm in yourself and your worth and sanity like that? Somehow you have. I was only brainwashed by one person and it was by one person without evil intent. And it has destroyed my sense of worth and left me shame-filled and frozen. Just a fraction of what you have been through. You have so much strength to keep going and not just accept a limited way of living.