still digging

[Blueberry]

You go san! That T did terrible things to you. Your anger is right and great!

[sanmagic7]

lovin' that enthusiasm, blueberry.  it brought a smile to my heart.  i still remember the circumstances here on the forum when you suggested alexithymia for me.  how right you were!  now, years later, those emotions/feelings are beginning to present themselves in my life, recovering my humanness.  thank you so for pointing the way for me.

[Not Alone]

did the emdr flash technique on all this, and i went from having a litany of people in my life who were like this to the knowledge that my recent experience w/ my D and w/ strangers/professionals on the phone have been patient, kind, and allowed me to take my time or make mistakes.  i felt more relaxed and able to see that most people i have to interact w/ now are decent people.  my T told me i've done the hard work of eliminating the other kind from my life.  That's a good realization to know.

(bold highlights-added by not alone) Yea!  My therapist says, "I'm allowed to be human."

That therapist should have lost her license over the anti-theraputic, harmful relationship she had with you. I still hold some harm from therapists, and what you experienced----uhhhh!

[sanmagic7]

thank you, notalone, for your support and anger on my behalf.  it took me 8 yrs. to finally report her to the state, and they investigated, told me my complaint against her was valid, and normally she would have been somehow reprimanded.  unfortunately, the rules of dual relationships hadn't yet gone into effect when this happened to me, so nothing could be done.  last i saw, however, she had moved back to her own country, so i think her practice here had been eliminated.  i felt satisfied by the board's ruling and that she wasn't here anymore. 

[sanmagic7]

yesterday i spent the entire session just puking out everything i could remember about my relationship(s) with icky L, and it left me feeling covered in muck.  because  i have (still) so much about her that was demeaning to me, ways to put me down, burst my balloon when i did something i was happy about, and etc. ad nauseum.  also the idea of me having to play dual and triple roles at times with her, including during training exercises and w/ other professionals makes my head spin. 

ok, done.  i found myself answering a post incorrectly this morning - i guess i'm still reeling.  need more time for a break.

[Armee]

 

[CactusFlower]

Hugs, San.

[sanmagic7]

thank you armee and CF for your caring hugs.  it's so comforting to have people in one's corner. 

[sanmagic7]

terrible EF yesterday.  our own heat wave is coming, and as we've began making adjustments to ensure we'll be ok this time (it was a close call last year when we moved - i was nearly ready to go the hospital twice before we got a/c which we had ordered the week before. my D finally called and began yelling we needed it ASAP because of a medical crisis w/ her mother and we got it finally but it could've ended very differently).  so, not only did i flash back to that, but also to all my years in mex., living in the desert, living in a/c 8 mos. out of the year, barely able to make it to the grocery store once a week when they opened at 7.  by then it was already too hot, and i had a difficult time coping w/ it the rest of the day.

so, the idea that it's going to be hot, then hotter for about a week just sent me flying back to my suffering at the hands of hot weather.  it was an awful day, lots of meds.  more cigs than usual.  someone talked about how quickly abuse can happen, how little time it can take.  so many of us have had one abuse after another and wonder why they're having difficulty being able to heal from it.  this was the first EF i've had in quite a while.  the mind remembers as does the body, and both can suck us back to where we were in a heartbeat.

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs, San. I hear you on how our environment can flash us back sometimes. We're... not far from Mexico, and this week of being in the 80's has been a relief from the 99's. I'm just grateful I'm no longer in a humid state in the US because dry heat really is different. I don't know how I'd survive these temps AND humidity. Wishing you safety and coolness from under my evaporative cooler!

[Armee]

 

Those EFa really do suck us right back there. I've described it before like being sucked up by a giant vacuum cleaner. Being aware you're in an EF is promising for it being hopefully short-lived. Stay safe. The heat is no joke even without flashbacks.

[rainydiary]

I hope you are finding some relief and that you find ways to stay as cool as possible.

[sanmagic7]

hi CF - yep, i normally think 80 is pretty hot, but after months of 90 and 100, 80 felt cool.  not any more.  funny how our tolerance can change. thanks for your support

armee, i liked your vacuum cleaner analogy for EF's.  i agree.  no willpower or mind power involved - your feet just get swept up from under you!  i was able to flash emdr thru the EF, and was able to feel better after that.  not so worried now, thank the stars!  and thank you, too for being you.

thanks, rainy.  we've got our 2 a/c's installed and they're both working really well.

therapy was interesting yesterday.  as i was flashing thru my EF, an image of a desert snake wrapped around my brain came to mind.  i was then able to picture myself going inside my head w/ a machete and began hacking that snake to pieces, putting them in a bag to dispose of.  when i finally reached the snake's head, it got pretty rough, but i did what was needed to do, was able to back out of my head and toss those snake pieces in a wood chipper (guess i wanted to make sure it wouldn't come back to life.)

we did another round of flash technique, and i went back into my brain to make sure all the pieces were gone.  instead of pieces, i was horrified to discover many, many little snakes living in the folds of my brain.  there was no way i could tackle them, and i left, feeling loaded down w/ despair. my T was able to reframe them as danger signals, that they help keep me safe from the overwhelming amount of trauma still residing in my mind.

i asked her how it is that i've been in therapy w/ her, emdr from the start, for over 2 1/2 years twice a week and i'm still so full of trauma?  i noted that we'd barely touched my ex, haven't touched hub #1 or my D1, and still aren't finished w/ icky L (the heat thing took up her time).   it's like everywhere i go, everything that happens around me produces another trigger, something that sets me back and needs to be reckoned w/ before i can even attempt to move forward.

she told me i've been stuck in a black tunnel of trauma and am working to survive.  yeah, she brought it down to that level.  i recall pete's book saying 'from surviving to thriving' and thought, no way.  i am lucky and grateful to be surviving on a day-to-day basis.  it was another reality check on the substance of me, how i've made it to today, and having a daily goal of making it to tomorrow.  that's it.  my life expectations have gotten that condensed. 

i don't see this as a temporary thing, either.  the dark tunnel is too long, too fraught with dangerous memories to allow me any sense of peace of mind.  i simply put one foot in front of the other, day after day, and cope as best i can.  and, yeah, fall back on those old coping skills.  i am here to help my D now.  i've accomplished all i need to for me, i still write - have started my 3rd novel lately - and still laugh daily.  on paper i look great.  but my essence is struggling to survive inside a dark tunnel.  that's kind of grounding to me for some reason.  like i just took a deep breath of acceptance. 

[rainydiary]

I hope you continue to find moments of acceptance if that is supportive.

[sanmagic7]

thanks rainy.  absolutely supportive and appreciated.

worked on more of icky L today - so much poison, so much denying me, dismissing me and who i was, why i was that way, so much criticism.  my final image was that of her arm in arm w/ my F.  she totally reiterated all that he'd said and done to and about me as a person, and i had to stop.  to attempt to break thru that barrier and know myself, know i'm ok w/o being perfect, know that being a regular human is - well, i went from ok, to more than enough to wonderful. 

like others here, the idea of making a mistake, especially when it regards someone else is so devastating to me!  being everything to everyone at the same time in the way they needed was reinforced by her, and has led me to having a lot of problems w/ asking for what i need/want, making boundaries, feeling free of anxiety in my relationships w/ others . . . they are a formidable force to reckon w/, and i had to stop there before hopefully taking them on in our next session.

our last round of flashing found my mind wandering.  all of that was too much to take on.  we'll see where it settles, and maybe take one of those expectations/ways of being at a time.  i'm pretty pooped right now.