still digging

[Armee]

 

Your mind is amazing. I can't believe the power of EMDR and flash in the...hands...of your mind.

to  know myself, know i'm ok w/o being perfect, know that being a regular human is - well, i went from ok, to more than enough to wonderful. 

like others here, the idea of making a mistake, especially when it regards someone else is so devastating to me!

I feel this very strongly, San. It's too much that these people put on us. No one is perfect, but no one should be made to feel like they have to be perfect to be acceptable and loved.

i had to stop there before hopefully taking them on in our next session.

our last round of flashing found my mind wandering.  all of that was too much to take on.  we'll see where it settles, and maybe take one of those expectations/ways of being at a time.  i'm pretty pooped right now.

I love this part of your post today because of the self care it shows you know when to turn down the dial and give yourself some rest, listening to your mind and body.

[Armee]

Your mind is amazing. I can't believe the power of EMDR and flash in the...hands...of your mind.

to  know myself, know i'm ok w/o being perfect, know that being a regular human is - well, i went from ok, to more than enough to wonderful. 

like others here, the idea of making a mistake, especially when it regards someone else is so devastating to me!

I feel this very strongly, San. It's too much that these people put on us. No one is perfect, but no one should be made to feel like they have to be perfect to be acceptable and loved.

i had to stop there before hopefully taking them on in our next session.

our last round of flashing found my mind wandering.  all of that was too much to take on.  we'll see where it settles, and maybe take one of those expectations/ways of being at a time.  i'm pretty pooped right now.

I love this part of your post today because of the self care it shows...you know when to turn down the dial and give yourself some rest, listening to your mind and body.

[sanmagic7]

armee, thanks so much.  you fill me up with your kindness, thoughtfulness, and your way of seeing.

unfortunately, since yesterday, my ex has played prominently in my mind.  dreamed about him during my nap, then while watching the news w/ my D, we heard the observations of the 'man in power', his rage at not getting his own way, etc., and i immediately flashed to my ex.  similar behaviors, same rage when he thought he was being disrespected.  it was horrible and i had to leave the room.  i thought 'ive lived w/ this man', and couldn't tell my D why i was so upset cuz it was about her F.

the more i pick at the memories of him, of being with him, the more upset i become.  seems to loom larger and larger in my mind.  instead of diminishing, the realizations, feelings, everything i absorbed is returning w/ even greater force.  he thought our marriage was 'good', but never contested the idea that i wanted out.  i know he was afraid of me, as he was of all women.

i'm thankful i've been given one more day.

[Armee]

 

Maybe all this...

the more i pick at the memories of him, of being with him, the more upset i become.  seems to loom larger and larger in my mind.  instead of diminishing, the realizations, feelings, everything i absorbed is returning w/ even greater force.

Is what you need to move through and feel to heal.  That in order to diminish you need to feel the full weight of it. Because you didn't, back then? And once you move gently as you can through this stage this piece of his memory will be processed and will leave you in peace.

If that criminal man baby on the news reminds you of your ex, you were in a severely abusive relationship indeed.

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs, san. I totally resonate with being triggered by similar people in the news lately. Hoping the processing goes as easily as it can for you to gain some peace and rest.

[sanmagic7]

hey, armee,

i think you're on point about having to go thru all this again, only w/ feelings/emotions/mental reactions this time.  the weight of it is now hitting home in a terrible way.  abusive relationship?  yep, much more than i ever realized.  that trigger was nearly overwhelming in how many points i could pick that pertained to my ex.  frightening to think of, horrible to understand.  glad it's over in one sense, but it's still with me; even now i'm still feeling it.   

hi CF,

thank you so for your thoughtfulness and kind words.  they really help. 

have been having dreams, EF's, lots of intrusive thoughts about my ex since tuesday's session.  i'm invading my life area that consisted of him, icky L, and D1 all abusing me at the same time in different ways, from different angles:  wife, client/friend/employee, and mother.  i'm stunned when i think about and remember how i was metaphorically running around attempting to make sense of words and situations, put out fires, fix things for others, pander to their unreasonable needs. 

it hurts my stomach to think of this, and i'm sure i've written about it all before, but it's becoming all new to me now. 

i think i will have to imagine my F chasing icky L away.  i know he loved me, even tho he didn't know how to express it too well, and. . . . . no, that won't work.  if i went to him w/ my problems w/ her, he just wouldn't understand. 

watching a tv show the other day, i broke down in tears (my T and i talked about how i need to cry for myself in all this).  they were showing a situation where the woman had people who went way out of their way to keep her safe and cared for, and to bring her back home.  i couldn't help but flash back on all the people who professed to love me but weren't there for me, wouldn't take the risk, wouldn't listen when i actually asked for help, and in fact, turned their backs on me.

too too sad.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Wow, you are going through so many emotions at the moment, and I can sense how much you are feeling them - it comes out over the 'page' of your writing, and I feel it.  I wanted to send you a hug of support,   

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

i think it shows your sensitivity, hope, to be able to feel my emotions.  thank you for your support.

just working on staying alive and sane.  i was able to do a little bit of writing today, which felt good to get it out of my head.  however, my energy level is still very low.  making it from today to tomorrow . . .

[sanmagic7]

i think i tumbled into a huge EF yesterday.  the night before, while watching a tv series, i was majorly triggered several times, plus the plotline was extensively intense.  one of the biggest was a pregnancy scene where the hub made sure he'd be there while his wife delivered.  that triggered me to my own experiences, and then my D made a remark about how sweet that was of him, and i froze.  one of those pregnancies was hers with my ex, and she doesn't want to hear anything about him, so it was as if my entire being shut down and i stayed silent.

a very strange sensation at the time, which carried over to yesterday, when i couldn't feel much of anything at all, even tho it was a very positive day in many respects.  i found myself guessing at everything throughout the day, like i used to guess at how to respond, react, acknowledge, and then put out the appropriate words and gestures.  like i was living w/ no feet on the ground. 

my D eventually asked me a question about the show we were watching (was i enjoying it as much as the past season?) and i hemmed, hawed, explained around the question (a past pattern) until i finally gave up, told her what had been going on w/ me all day (but not why), and she accepted that.  it was a terrible feeling, but familiar.  still, it gave me conscious notice of how i've lived so much of my life.

i don't know how i'm feeling today.  i'm here, but that's about it.

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs, san.

[Larry]

hi san,    i appreciate you.   

[sanmagic7]

thanks, CF - much needed, much appreciated

thanks, larry, and back atcha

didn't sleep much last nite, still feeling out of sorts, don't know how else to explain this.  i feel almost inside out, don't care, no emotions, altho i was able to smile a bit yesterday, so that's good.  otherwise, pretty rough. still.

[Armee]

Aw, San. 

Having to turn off emotions about such a huge part of your life can't be easy. I hope some day this becomes a topic that your daughter can hear about honestly. Your reaction to the trigger and then having to stifle it all makes perfect sense. Of course everything turned numb and uncertain. Perhaps talking to a friend can help?

[Blueberry]

idk about you san, but when my emotions go awol for a while, it's sort of good. It gives me a kind of break, although some everyday things are obviously more strenuous and difficult. So for me, it's not necessarily a negative thing. There's a lot going on for you below the surface, so to speak, these past couple of days.   

[sanmagic7]

thanks, armee, i hope so, too.  she's focused her trauma history on her sister and several men in her life, which, to be honest, is huge w/o putting her F in the mix.  i don't think she sees the connection, tho, between her F and the emotionally unavailable, truly messed up men she's been involved w/.  very emotionally and mentally abusive.  everyone in their own time, right?   

hey, blueberry,  i guess this was different for me in that i'm working on getting my emotions back cuz i've been w/o probably for 60 yrs.  because of that, it felt like i was sent back in time to a place i absolutely don't want to be anymore, trying to get away from.  it was horrible for me.  and, yes, there have been lots of things under the surface but at that moment everything froze into what i was for most of my life.  guessing at how to answer, think, feel, respond.  it's a whole thing.  thanks for your perspective - it helped me clarify mine.

i did call my friend over the weekend, broke down sobbing.  she was very accepting, knows my ex, very supportive, and i felt safe enough w/ her to let the tears out - they, too, had been bottled up inside w/ all the emotions and feelings.  i'm still coming out of it, tho, so not feeling too stable yet. 

the hardest part of it was realizing how much i was grasping for responses to my D's questions, and how much of my life i'd spent doing just that.  w/o emotions and feelings, i felt like a flailing zombie since i was in my early teens, except that i had a good intellect.  going back to that was mentally frightening cuz i could see how it had played out thru my lifetime.  how i'd guess, skirt around questions cuz i didn't have an opinion, feeling, emotion to pull out as an answer. 

and, now that i'm writing this, i can see the spectrum playing its own hand in this in my social awkwardness, lack of eye contact (i remember questioning myself about that many times - why am i looking over the top of this person's head while i'm speaking w/ them?).  when some people wouldn't accept what i was telling them, or called me out for not really answering their question, i'd be at a standstill inside, not unlike what i've just gone thru.  i'd scramble for an answer that made sense, and sometimes i could pull it off. 

when talking to my T about this, she said i was safe now, and i immediately asked 'am i?"  i told her this could easily happen again, and she had to agree.  she thought we could work on the fear of this happening cuz i told her i had a lot of fear in me now (altho as i write, i don't feel it as much, maybe cuz at the end of the session she took my fear, locked it away for me).  at any rate, this has been a horrible experience and i can feel it impacting other parts of my life right now - we've had some summer days and i am running for the a/c, especially at night, afraid of what happened last year.  it's like i'm hyper-sensitive to heat now.  ugh?! 

how long can one person stay strong?  until they can't i suppose.